I am more than my race. I didn’t realize that needed to be said, but it does. When people look at me I want them to see me for who I am versus what I look like. I am worth more than the print out, poster child for diversity that you use me as. I’m not a token to be thrown around so that you can feel better about yourself.
If I have to explain the issues of plastering fake diversity everywhere to another middle-aged, white man I may lose it. I held value well before you used me for your gain. I hold value outside of what I look like and what you see me as. I’m not a tool that’s used to get a foot ahead. I am a person with valid feelings who’s seriously getting pissed off.
It’s not a compliment when you tell me that my English is good. It’s not a compliment when you tell me that I don’t have an accent. It’s not cute or ~quirky~ when you ask where I’m really from. I guarantee that you are not original and that I’ve probably heard that comment you’re about to say at least ten times. You have a friend who’s Asian? Cool, I have a friend who’s White. Maybe y’all are related!
Don’t try and tell me that you like the way I look or that you have a thing for Asians. I already didn’t want to talk to you, and I promise this just proves my case even more. I’m tired of educating you. I have math homework to do, leave me alone. Please do a simple Google search about microaggressions, and then get back to me (or preferably don’t).
It’s great that you’re trying to appreciate my culture, but I don’t need to know every single detail. Please stop asking me to pronounce words for you because you like the way I speak. I’m not the gatekeeper of all things Asian, please stop coming to me with all your questions. I’m busy enough with all that’s going on in the world right now, I don’t have time to hold your hand through your Koreaboo transition.
When you only see me as my race and how that affects you, you completely disregard me as a person. You are telling me that I hold no value to you besides how you perceive me. When you choose not to see beyond my race, you miss out on me as a whole. You miss out on getting to know someone with hopes and dreams just like you. You miss out on a person who wants to change the world. You miss out on memories, laughs, and inside jokes simply because you can’t see me for who I am.
I am so sick and tired of this diversity narrative. Trying to shove diversity down throats isn’t true diversity. If you have to go so far as to pick and choose pictures to publish to make yourself seem more inclusive, then you are part of the problem. You are part of the problem that I wish I wasn’t involved in. You are part of the problem whose solution was pushed into my hands to find. I didn’t ask to be a part of this narrative, yet it has become mine. I didn’t ask for this.
It’s a hard thought to swallow when you realized you are being used for diversity purposes. Do I mean less than others? Was I solely picked because of my race? Why do I have to fit this special criteria to be deemed relevant? It makes you question your entire being. There are days I question the authenticity of some organizations I am a part of simply because I don’t know if people are accepting me for me, or me for their betterment. Navigating college and adulthood is difficult enough without my entire personal life in turmoil. Add a bit of uncertainty about my value and we suddenly have a major problem. It’s hard being part of the few that sticks out. It’s hard not looking like everyone else around me. It’s hard being different and that difference being shoved in my face every second of every day.
I want to say I know who I am and that I am confident in that person, but when my value is constantly questioned by others, it makes me question it too. Am I only worth what others see as a diversity poster? Are these people seeing the real me or do they only see what I look like? There are days I come home and pass out on my bed simply because of the mental toll. I shouldn’t have to explain my feelings for them to be valid, but there are days where I constantly have to, and it’s draining.
I shouldn’t have to advocate for myself. I shouldn’t have to explain over and over again. There are so many things I shouldn’t have to do, but this was the hand I was given. Every day makes me stronger, especially the days that hurt the most. Honestly, sometimes it does suck, but I know some people love and care for me and are there for me no matter what at the end of the day. This may feel like just my journey to weather on my own, but I know that my people are standing with me along the way. Life is hard sometimes, but I’m incredibly strong and I will weather this storm, and all the other ones in the future.