When I was younger, I always looked up to “college girls.” They seemed to have an energy, a zest, that couldn’t be harnessed until one moved out of the house. They were so sure about their careers. They were so popular and social. The “college girl” had her life together. Needless to say, I am not this girl and because of the pandemic, it’s hard to even come close.
Coming to college during the pandemic entailed one heaping serving of disillusionment, mixed with 3 cups of stress, and a dash of loneliness. This recipe yields seven servings of depression per week. I thought that by coming to USC Columbia, I would finally feel like I fit in, but instead, I felt more isolated than ever.
Symptoms of Sadness
During the first few weeks, the only friend I had was my roommate. There were often nights where I wouldn’t eat dinner because I didn’t want to go without someone else. It felt like eating by myself in my dorm would only solidify my beliefs that I was alone. I would cry at night and blame myself for “failing” to make more friends. I thought that something was wrong with me. I felt like I didn’t “fit in,” and no one wanted to be friends with me.
It seemed like everywhere I looked, all of the girls I saw were wearing a combination of running shorts, leggings, and a tee shirt. These girls were so beautiful in my eyes, and they fit my definition of a “college girl”. A month into college, I decided to try wearing a pair of leggings to fit in. But, when I put them on, I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror. My curvy body, which I was so proud of in high school, was swallowed in fabric, making me look large and shapeless. I blamed my body for not being thinner. I thought that it was going to be impossible for me to fit in and make friends if I couldn’t follow the unspoken “dress code.” I had even convinced myself that I needed to go on a diet to lose weight. I have to admit, I gained weight since quarentining in March, but I was no means obese or even overweight. I had always been active growing up, so I hadn’t struggled with body image issues before this point.
Isolation Without Quarantining
I felt hopeless, helpless to survive the next four years without changing who I was. I have struggled with depression and anxiety before. The protocol for me to survive was to talk about my feelings with those closest to me. All of the sudden, I was 100+ miles from my family and my friends…the only support system I had known. In a flash, my lifelong dream had turned into a nightmare in front of my eyes. I hated being in college, and I hated myself for not adjusting better, quicker. I felt disconnected from everyone, whether I knew them or not.
Convinced that I wouldn’t fit in, I felt no motivation to join clubs even though I was in six or seven organizations in highschool. Most days, I didn’t feel like joining my class Zoom or completing my work. I used to be able to have so much on my plate. Now, it felt like a burden to get out of bed. My grades weren’t affected during this time, mostly because of the perfectionist attitude I have when it comes to school. However, I did sacrifice sleep, showers, meals and more so that I could finish assignments on time when I finally mustered up the motivation to complete them. The stress of submitting tests, modules, quizzes, and journals on top of attending class often felt like a burden too heavy to bear. I didn’t know my teachers well enough to ask for extensions or even ask for help. After all, I only saw half of their faces, or they were connecting virtually, which is less personal than the classes I’m used to.
Visiting the Doctor
Over time, my feelings about myself and school during the pandemic only intensified until I reached a breaking point. I hated who I was. I hated my body. I hated the life I was living. These feelings festered until I decided to harm myself to relieve the pressure I felt and punish myself. Soon after, my roommate and my boyfriend encouraged me to make an appointment with the Student Health Center to see a therapist.
Time passed as I waited on my appointment, allowing me to pinpoint what I felt and reflect on why I felt that way. The therapist that I talked to was more understanding than I expected. I felt comfortable opening up, and more than once I held back tears explaining my situation. The advice that my therapist gave me was to get back to my roots and to try to join a club. Luckily, HerCampus magazine took a chance on me. Coming to a full circle, my first article is focused on mental health, my origin story as a writer for HerCampus.
Coming Up with a Cure
To those reading, and have related to my story in any way, I would say this: Who you are is never the issue. You are beautiful enough and perfect exactly as you are. We can make it through this pandemic together in one piece as long as we fight to be here. It might feel like too much effort to go for a run, join a club or even make it to the dining hall to eat, but take care of yourself. Whether that means organizing a spa night with the girls, taking a shower, even getting out of bed to get breakfast, I urge you to try and take a step towards progress. If you don’t relate to my experience, I urge you to call your family or hug a friend. More than ever, it’s important to connect to those who feel disconnected. Encourage your peers and make an effort to make a space for them, even while social distancing.
Think about who you were before the pandemic. If you enjoyed being a part of organizations near you, reach out and join something new. If you loved going to the gym, schedule an appointment at the gym near you or go for a run. If you have no alternatives, I recommend scheduling an appointment with the Student Health Center and talk to someone about how you feel. COVID-19 has changed our present situation, but it doesn’t have to change us. I felt the pressure to be the “college girl”, but I quickly realized that “she” was an illusion. It was impossible for me to be someone I’m not. I didn’t have it all together and even still, I struggle with depression, stress, school and organizing my life. Through my pain, I realized that I felt best when I wasn’t worrying about where I was falling short of the “college girl” image. The closest I’ll ever come to being the “college girl” is being myself. After all, I’m in college and I’m a girl. Who I am is enough.