Every time I write, I wonder if there is a limit to my vulnerability. This is it for me. This is my vulnerability. We are going through strange times. It has gotten stranger knowing that my first semester of sophomore year is coming to an end sooner than I gave it credit for. However, I value the health and safety of others and myself, so I am trying to be understanding.
In a few days, I am turning twenty. It shocks me. I do not act as a potential twenty-year-old, nor do I look like one. This year, I had so much time to reflect on many aspects of my life. In particular, I was enamored by the idea of love. Love is such a broad term, but I mean the romantic kind. Like many people, I am trying to figure it out. What does it mean for me? Because what I define as love might differ from another person. Or maybe, we have this universal idea of what it is: a strong connection and bond with another.
I have had enough of what could potentially be heartbreak. I almost refuse to call it that because it is scary to know how much of an influence someone can have in your life. This could be something else. A temporary crush. But simultaneously, I am grateful for these experiences because it helped me grow over the past twenty years.
If anything, it is hard to imagine how this potential heartbreak could be something I am grateful for because it is painful. As someone who has received a lot of rejections, I can honestly say that it was not easy the first time. It was not easy the other times too. There have been a couple of times when I am just moping around for a week, but it takes time to get over the sad feelings. During those times, I suggest taking time for yourself and even reminding yourself that it was probably not the right person or maybe the right time. We are in no rush for love, but we should be able to love ourselves first. I attribute some of that hurt to having too much hope. But at the same time, I am thankful for always having hope. You would think that I am more pessimistic because it never seems to work out. However, it is not like I leave these situations with nothing. I can grow from it.
Part of me wonders why I am brave enough to tell someone else how I feel about them. It is something that baffles my friends. Someone once told me that it is because I trust them. They also said that I want to be honest and vulnerable. I never thought of it that way. I would have attributed it to impulsivity or lack of care for what may happen. I assumed the worst. However, when I heard that, I almost felt like I regained pride for my own feelings. These experiences are fleeting. I never want to live in regret because I did not say anything either. As long as you are respecting someone’s feelings and boundaries, you can be honest. I learned to maturely handle these rejections in my own way. I am grateful because it helped me realize my own worth. I am a brave person who did something many people are too afraid to attempt.
Moreover, I saw myself seeing my worth. It is difficult to realize that the person you really like does not feel the same way. Yet, I keep moving on because I am able to love myself through this. Love has made me a stronger individual. I learned through trial and error about what is right for me and what I should avoid for the future. We should never settle for less. We should not settle for people who never put the effort into any sort of relationship we had with them. We should not settle for people who do not align with our core values. Compromises are great, but we need to surround ourselves with influences that make us better individuals. I made mistakes with how childish I handled things in the past. In those situations, I had to take a step back and reflect on it. We need this reality check to help us realize what we can improve. I decided to take on a more open view of love.
Thus, I would like to give my gratitude for love. It hurt, and at times, my anxiety got me to the point that I was on the floor panicking. Those are not the pretty sides of love. But then, we have to remember that love gave us hope. Even if it does feel like a fantasy, it gave you a reason to smile at the time. Love can help us grow because we are learning to navigate those feelings while growing love for ourselves. For what it is worth, I am excited to see what direction life takes me because I know I will be okay.