I want to begin this mini segment by saying a huge thank you to my friends, acquaintances and those who I have talked to three times in real life without getting the chance to do so more due to COVID-19. Because of all of you, I was able to put together this segment – two strong, powerful, and educational articles. I’ve learnt so much from all of you, about you and about the societal problems and issues regarding sex that people never actually talk about. I also want to apologise for not being inclusive enough. I’ve gathered all experiences and insights featured in this article from the LGBTQ+ community and heterosexuals. However, I did not consider, nor do I personally know, those who identify themselves as the opposite sex, or are non-binary. So with that being said, this is not a perfect piece, but I still believe that it will be helpful to so many people.
You, reader, are about to read people’s confessions, secrets, desires and struggles. Names and identifying features have been changed to respect privacy. I also encourage you to share this article with your friends or your partner and have these meaningful conversations. Hopefully, you’ll take something away from it.
Insight #1: Sex is a by-product of a relationship.
“The thing that needs to be normalised is the physical part of a relationship. There is far too much emphasis on it. I think people shouldn’t put that much pressure on their relationship and go crazy about sex because if you do, you run the risk of being disappointed and viewing your relationship differently. I personally, choose to focus on the spiritual connection I have with the person. Energy, being understanding and communication are very important to me. Everything else can be learnt and improved on. Obviously, sex is important, but I think I view it more as the by-product of the relationship. When people in the relationship are enjoying themselves on the spiritual, metaphysical level, and enjoy each other’s company, it is then that they’ll truly have the best sex experience. If you don’t consider and really value these things you can still have great sex, however, it probably won’t be a lasting relationship. All beginnings that don’t have a concrete, real and strong foundation run the risk of breaking.
Now, when you actually reach the point in the relationship where you do decide to have sex, the most important part of it should be learning and really understanding your partner’s needs. As a person, you have to prepare in terms of how to pleasure your partner, what are their spots and how to set the mood. You could even take into consideration what sex toys you would like to include. It would be unfair to just guess and do something without their consent. It’s not shameful to ask or talk about it, it actually just shows respect and consideration.” – by a King, who chooses not to have sex until marriage for religious reasons.
Insight #2: Lesbian porn is nonsense.
“First of all, lesbian porn doesn’t make any sense. From the acrylic nails plunging in and out of actors with the same force as stuffing a Turkey at Christmas. The storylines that reek of fetishisation and the heterosexual male fantasy – and don’t even get me started on the scissoring, God forbid. Which is why I present to you real lesbian sex, a perfectly crafted fusion of passion and pure chaos. Let me set the scene: you started having sex approximately 10 hours ago and the sun is now coming up. In this time, you’ve orgasmed several times, moved in ways your hips will not thank you for tomorrow, slotted in one or two chats about past trauma, and discussed moving in together. You gaze tenderly at your partner drinking from your shared water bottle and recall the raunchy night left behind you. The thing I love the most about lesbian sex is that it always feels so magical; new or same partner, soft and sweet or a Rihanna S&M moment. Even as someone who suffers from my mental health, my body-image insecurities fly out the window at the speed of light when I’m in the heat of the moment. You can literally fart in their face during oral sex and you just laugh it off and move on (totally not speaking from personal experience). There is such a beautiful balance of pleasuring your partner and feeling admired while doing it, rather than having a one-minute-wonder wiggle his meat sword around you for his gratification. Obviously, no two people are the same, but the touch of a woman is truly amazing.
Also, one time during sex with someone we used the strap on, and as she pulled out, I queefed and it sounded like Donald Duck. She just looked at me and said ‘I love you’.” – by a Goddess on the reality of lesbian sex.
Insight #3: I’m not keen to have sex after hearing my friends’ experiences.
“In high school, when sex became more of a topic, I did start to feel a little bit of pressure to have sex. After I grew up, I stopped seeing the need to have sex; I’m just not enthusiastic about it. I think it has to do with what I have never in my life heard anyone say: “OMG sex is so great, you have to try it!”. Honestly, I’m not sure if anyone I know has had good sexual experiences. One thing that is hard to comprehend is all the times I have heard people complain about sex, and wondering why they won’t discuss it with their partners. Like, if it’s not enjoyable, why can’t you talk to your partner about it?
I think that the media is confusing people. Movies and TV shows always portray sex as a very magical thing, with both partners climaxing together and feeling the same sensations at the same time – but then my friends’ stories show the opposite. If I didn’t hear these real stories, I would think that I’m missing out, that I’m not normal as I’m not experiencing the ecstasy of lovemaking. But the reality is that the media is merely lying to us all and romanticising sex.” – by a Goddess.
Insight #4: Women make us nervous too.
“I’m a romantic man. I need candles, wine and music. Everything needs to be running smoothly. But then I’m nervous, my palms are sweaty, and I feel my heart rate going up. I try not to think about the signals that my body is sending me, and I start concentrating on my partner. However, the night gets ruined because my penis wasn’t fully functioning or even working at all. Then I begin to panic. This continued to happen a couple more times, and I started feeling miserable. I began to ask myself, ‘what kind of man am I if I can’t satisfy the woman I’m with?’. Eventually, I decided to take Viagra. It did help, but the only downside was that I couldn’t orgasm. Nothing seemed to help or work. This was when I decided to not ignore my anxiety any longer; I started openly talking to my partner and work on myself. If it wasn’t for my partner, who was very supportive throughout the whole time, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. She helped me feel more confident; her positive outlook on every situation allowed me to see what I was missing before. I no longer feel as anxious or nervous when we have sex now, and every time is now better than the last.
Not all men are alpha men. Not everyone can find it easy to talk to a girl, form a relationship or be super confident in bed – and that is OK! We all have our struggles and lessons to learn. Every journey is a part of your life, and you need to learn to enjoy it.” – by a King.
Insight #5: Sex with women is way easier than with men.
“Everything is just easier with a woman. She’s naturally softer and knows better what you might like. In general, sex with men is way less pleasurable. To me, it feels a bit clunkier and as though I’m having to mentally tick off different boxes like ‘give a blowjob, make this noise, then do this’. It’s rarely about us – women, or simply just enjoying their partner’s presence. The problem is they don’t know how to have sex after watching too much porn, and then dare to get angry when you tell them what to do.
Only one man has ever made me orgasm. I’ve been with him for a couple of years now. I think the secret to making a woman enjoy sex more is to keep questioning whether she likes this or that either before, during or after sex and putting in the effort.” – by a Goddess.
You have just read five insights into what it means to have a normal sex life, with more to come next week. No lies, romanticised experiences or glamorisation – just the complete truth. Nevertheless, you still can’t compare yourself to these stories, and you can’t apply them to your own life. What you can do though, is learn and expand your understanding of ‘normal’ sex.