I’ve always liked studying. Like, I really, really like it. I’m a goal-oriented person. A career person. An active person. I like to make things happen. I like work and volunteering and making things happen just makes me happy.
Lately, though, I’ve realised it makes me exhausted, too.
I get a lot of hints (subtle and not so subtle) about how I should probably work less. My family and friends do it all the time, though in a sort of resolved way. After all, they know what I’m like. Sometimes, the remarks can feel like compliments. You’re the busiest person I know makes me feel happy. If anyone can achieve that goal, you can makes me feel so strong and capable and validated. Even the occasional you never listen to me when I tell you to take a day off ignites a stupid sort of pride within. Lately, though, I’ve started getting comments from others, too.
Within a year, my favourite teacher, my physical therapist and my boss (who honestly is a bit of a workaholic herself) have been making these really gentle comments about working too much and how people can burn out and that maybe, possibly, I should consider seeing someone about my overachieving.
I never thought it a problem before. Sure, I sometimes work until 2 am and need to drink a lot of coffee (I mean, I drink a lot of coffee on a regular basis, but like, you know, a lot) the following day. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by work, I get anxiety attacks. And when I’m really stressed out, I cannot imagine going without my tranquilizers for extended periods of time. And sometimes my heart starts beating really quickly when I remember I’ve forgotten about that one thing and have absolutely no time or energy to adjust my schedule. You get the idea. But also, I have a family I’m close to. A lot of friends I’m very grateful for. A gym routine. Hobbies. An anxiety medication that keeps my panic-fuelled intrusive thoughts at bay. I like to bake and garden and take walks and read books. And most of the time, I feel really happy. Surely, all of these things mean that even if I overwork myself a bit, it’s fine. It’s under control. Right?
Last year, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. And the way I reacted to it really made rethink the way I live my life. Did I give myself time to rest and settle into a new routine? No. I pushed myself harder than ever before. I worked and studied long hours and wrote university applications and started a society and took on a leadership position. I did some tutoring and a third job, too, at one point, though that was only for a bit. I secured two internships in my field (though I didn’t manage to do the other because of my illness). I kept going to the GP’s appointments and tried a bunch of medications and even then, I’d need days – sometimes weeks – of sick leave. That really made me panic.
I need to be able to work.
Chronic illness is unpredictable. It’s exhausting. It’s debilitating. And this condition that has now became chronic for me, well. Guess what’s among the things that makes it chronic for a lot of people? Stress.
As I’m writing this article, I’m wondering if I’ve made myself sick, if this is just my body’s way of saying I’ve had enough. Slowly, I’ve started letting go of some positions I currently have. I’m considering not working this summer. If I will, it’ll be just one job this time. No extra hours. No additional internships. I’m thinking of counselling, too. I feel fine, but if I rationalise it, I get that I have a problem. This overachieving thing I have, it might come across as one of my quirks (and I certainly present it as such), but ultimately, it’s a sign of something. A sign that something needs to change.
I find it difficult to articulate all these thoughts because I don’t want people to view me differently. But I’ve decided to publish this (yay for anonymity by the way!), in case someone who reads this has similar experiences. I think students often do. If you’re in a similar predicament, talk to some people. Really think it over. Change what needs to change. Take care of yourself.
I know I’m certainly making it a priority for 2021.