It is a new month, and I couldn’t be more excited. I had a self-realization at the end of the month of February that really struck me. I realized that I was not where I wanted to be when it came to my character development and goals for my future academically, and career wise. I was still doing the same thing and making the same mistakes that I felt like was keeping me from, being the young woman I know in my heart that I am. I was just letting time pass me by, and I hated it. I just did not know how to get out of my comfortability. I always talk about wanting to be successful and wanting to be the woman that I envision myself as however, my actions were not aligning to her. This made me cry, think, and make the decision to make better choices to really walk in the woman that I know that I am. I had to look in the mirror and say this is not who I am. This is not who I want to be. This is not the woman I was destined to be. I had to put my pride to the side, ask for help, and make changes. The first of the month is always my favorite time. I love the beginning of the month because to me it symbolizes new beginnings, a time to reflect, make new goals, and work towards being better and doing better.
Ever since I was a little girl I felt the same way about it being a new year. I would always make new year’s resolutions towards my goals and this year was no different. However, it was like going into the new year and getting settled. I lost my motivation to reach those goals and got sucked right back into old but at the end of February I knew I had to make a change. I am not okay with settling. I am not okay with being less than what I know in my heart I am. I am not okay with selling myself short and to me after reflecting, crying, and praying I knew March was the perfect month to boss up. However, this time around it was not for anybody else to see me looking good on the gram, people clapping at me, or making others happy. It was for me and it’s something about you making a decision for yourself. The joy hits differently, and that’s what I did.
One of my most favorite things about myself is I love to reflect. I love to journal, and write about how my day was going, what I learned, and mostly what I can do to better myself. I am committed to character growth, because I want to be a better person, and I want to be all the woman inside of me. I don’t want to be half the woman or talk about the woman I wish I could have been when I am in my 50’s. I want to be walking her out. I want to be living and breathing in that woman as I speak. I don’t want to talk about the opportunities that I wish I would have taken. I want to be living them out. I saw a quote that said visualize yourself at the highest level and walk in it. That’s how I feel right now. I want to experience myself at the highest level. I don’t want to cut corners. I want to be that woman that I know in my mind I am, and I’m working towards. Who is that woman? You may ask and to me she’s herself. She’s not putting on to make others like her or happy. She’s just her. She’s just confident. She’s just happy. She’s just inspiring. She’s just outspoken. She doesn’t take into consideration what someone is saying about her when she speaks or walks into a room. Her overall goal is to experience herself at the highest level and not rob her spirit of anything. She is determined to say what she’s going to say and feel what she’s going to feel without worrying what others are saying. So, that’s the woman I am currently striving to be. However, reflection helps me get to her. Reflection allows me to think about what changes I need to make? What am I currently doing that robs me of the joy and experience of wanting to be that woman?
I sat down and brainstormed. I’m a writer who just started writing, and I haven’t written in months. This is my first piece really being myself and starting back writing. I want to feel it. I want to be intune with what I’m saying. I never brainstorm when i’m about to write, but when I wrote this article the first time I said, “It’s too bland. It’s too general. I need help getting back into this.” I was not confident at all releasing this piece. I felt like it could be better. I felt like it wasn’t my best. So, I brought a journal and brainstormed this article. I broke down what I was trying to say in this article. What was I trying to feel? I wanted to talk about my new beginning and how I got to this place in that little bit of time which is back on track. The biggest answer is reflect on what you need. Put your pride to the side. Ask for help. Ask for guidance. Humble yourself and realize I can’t do this without God. I wrote down 4 reflective points on what I learned about myself and the changes I would have to make. My biggest problem was knowing in my heart who I am and who I was destined to be but still trying to be someone that I wasn’t. We are in our 20’s. I am 20 years old. I am not going to act like I have it all together. I am still young, but I reflect on how I can be better. We all do it. We all try to be someone that we are not to fit in with people and if that’s not you then this article is not for you, but I know I do even at 20. In my heart I know i’m suppose to be an activist, an educator, speaking up for the people, fighting for what is right, making my voice heard, that young lawyer, that young politician, that rebel who wants to take on the system, that confident black girl who is not letting the world tell her she can’t do it, that young girl from a small country town who could have let my environment dictate my success but didn’t, that young black woman who gives young people something to look up to. Something to hope for and aspire to be. That is who I am. That is who I have always been but for some reason I wanted to be something else. I was trying to fit in with my friends. Something I have always struggled with as a child up until now. Why? To fit in, to be down, and to get people to like me. I was afraid. I was too afraid to be alone. I was too afraid to stand out to the point where people may not want to be around me, because they thought I was “too smart”, “too talented”, “spoke too well”, “spoke too proper”, and that made me want to fit in. I was afraid to be different, so I would shrink myself into this girl that I wasn’t that I thought I was and being her did not make me happy. I was trying to be that girl that met everyone’s standards except my own. So, whatever the person I met needed that’s what I was at the time, and I said that’s who I am and now I say that’s who I am not. Now I have a standard about myself. Before I didn’t. I pretended so, other people could think it but now it’s all about me. That’s my first reflection point. I realized i’m trying to be everything that i’m not, and i’m losing the true person I am. I was scared to be that girl but now being that girl makes me so happy and so, proud of myself.
As I continued to reflect I realized my goal in life was to make others happy. Every decision I made was based on others. At the end of February it got to the point where I had to want to be happy myself. I had to want to be a better person myself. No one could want it more than me. I had to disregard what everyone else wanted and say, “What does Tho’Mesia want?”. That was when change struck. We have so many people rooting for us and looking up to us. So, we play these different things to make them happy. Whether it be family, friends, or teachers it has to be just you. I have to think about what I want?, what makes me happy?, am I making this decision for someone else or me?, and it goes back to robbing my spirit. My spiritual Godmother told me in church one time, “Don’t rob your spirit. If you see someone who looks nice tell them. Don’t rob yourself and don’t rob someone else”. That sticks with me. To be liked by others I was robbing myself of who I truly am. Now, I wake up every morning thinking about me. I think about my future goals, and career and how today is going to be a great day. I think about how I’m about to work towards my goals. I think about what I need and what I want. I don’t care, at least I’m trying not to think about what others want from me. It’s all about me.
I hate fear with a passion. I despise fear, because I have lived in it and fear will destroy your life if you let it, but I guess this is back to being, I’m not robbing my spirit. So, I rise above fear. I don’t let fear control me anymore. The reason I was trying to be someone that I wasn’t was because of fear. I was too scared to be different. So, I played comfortably and pretended like that made me happy but it didn’t. Many of us are scared to be who we actually are. So, we play small. We hang around the same people, because we are too afraid to be big. We do the same thing that’s not getting us different results. Why?, because we are scared to stand out. We are scared to be the woman, or man we know deeply God has made us to be. That was me, and I saw that. I was trying to be someone that I’m not but one thing I learned about a person that is truly being themself they don’t have to seek it . It comes naturally to them. Whatever their passion, or gifts are, is already inside of them. I got tired of playing small. I got tired of trying to be someone that I wasn’t. I know in my heart I’m big. I am a force to be reckoned with on this earth, because I know my future is bright. I’m too smart to play less than and rather dumb. I can’t stay there. I had to go.
That’s my favorite part about reflecting. It allows me to see where I can do better and it strikes something in me to work towards that everyday. I will make sure I am being myself and if I feel like I’m trying to play anything I stop it right there. Going into this month I feel amazing and so confident. I know this month I am going to reach all of my goals and be that girl I know I am. I am excited to be the woman that I know I have always been. The woman who wants to make change. The woman who wants to be a voice to those who feels as if they don’t have one. The woman who is confident. The woman who is not afraid to be heard and use her voice. I no longer am trying to be someone I’m not just to fit in. With me doing that I will never grow and get to where I need to be, or I am supposed to be.
This is my challenge to myself and encouragement to anyone reading this post. Be yourself. Be who you know in your heart you are. Don’t worry about what others think about you or have to say about you. Just be you. With all of these realizations I am so much more confident moving forward in my life, and I am so thankful for those around me who helped me realize this truth. It wasn’t all by myself. I can’t take the credit. I give all praise to the man above who struck the change to want to change and my spiritual leaders who gave me that motivation to go through with it and want it for me not them or anyone else but for me. Do it for you. Thank you