There’s no doubt that having supportive, caring, like-minded friends drastically improves our quality of life. We all crave human connection and companionship and even the most cynical people want someone to share their contempt with. However, a friend that no longer improves your life and actually negatively impacts your wellbeing is not worth keeping around. The moment that you realize you may have to break up with a friend, or naturally drift apart, is an uncomfortable and unsettling time.
When I look back at friendships that I’ve let go of, I don’t necessarily view these people as evil or unpleasant people. I can recognize that there was a reason I became friends with them, and they have qualities that make them enjoyable to be around. However, much like how we go through different phases of ourselves throughout our lifetime, we go through different phases of friends. It just happens. When you’re in a partying and drinking stage of your life, you may be closer to a friend that is always the life of the party. But then if you grow out of this phase while she’s still pulling weekend benders, you might drift apart because of different priorities. This does not mean that either of you is above one another, you may just not relate to each other anymore. And that’s okay. There may come a time when you’re with this person and you have this sudden realization that you just don’t have anything to talk about anymore. You’ve grown apart, and you may grow together at a different point in your life, but you shouldn’t feel like you need to force the communication.
In my experience, I have found that the friendships I have that have lasted the longest are the friends that I recognize as fundamentally good, well-intentioned people that have similar values as myself. If there are moments throughout a friendship that you start to realize that this person is acting in a way that doesn’t reflect your values and good character, it could be time to let them go. Forgiveness is an important trait, but boundaries are important as well. It’s easier to let things slide when we’re younger and we keep the same people around because they’re familiar and comfortable to us. However, once we are older and more mature, we begin to understand that the people around us are reflections of who we are as well. Our parents are not organizing our playdates, and attending the same school isn’t a thing to have in common anymore. As an adult, you have complete and utter freedom to choose what relationships improve your overall happiness instead of just hanging onto people out of convenience. This freedom can allow for some tough but necessary endings.
A female-friendship breakup in particular can surface complicated feelings. Just like how you would approach a relationship breakup with compassion and consideration for the other person’s feelings, it is necessary to bring that same care to a friendship breakup as well. The reality is most women, when they decide to let go of a friend, don’t even give them an explanation at all. This is because most women prefer to avoid confrontation. This leaves the other person left wondering what went wrong and with many unanswered questions. Women also tend to have more emotional intimacy in their friendships and share many more details of their lives with each other. This can make a friendship breakup hurt even more because you don’t understand why that person felt that way and at one point, you were the person who knew why they felt everything. This doesn’t mean that friendship breakups are to be avoided, it just means that there should be recognition for how this affects the other person, in order to be considerate of their emotional wellbeing.
There really isn’t any protocol for breaking up with a friend. When we quit a job, we give two weeks’ notice. When we break up with a partner, we usually follow a familiar script of “we just don’t belong together.” We can expect these endings to a certain degree because we enter into a job or relationship knowing that people leave jobs and relationships frequently. If a friendship feels on the verge of burning out, sometimes it’s better to finish on good terms than letting it drag on. Letting go of a friend will cost you the relationship, but the peace and clarity it will bring are priceless.