Ah, 2023. I never quite thought I’d make it past 13. Then I thought I’d kill myself before 16. Then I thought I’d die before high school graduation. Somehow, I keep staying alive and getting by. As a result, I’d like to begin a series where I share lessons I’d give to my 13-year-old self that I somehow end up learning. Hopefully, I’ll learn to not just exist but to live and learn to appreciate even the negative parts of life as I age.
“You are deserving of the love you give”. Someone once told me that and I’ve thought about it every day since. Maybe it’s my mother’s words screaming in the back of my mind or projections of my fears flashing in front of my eyes, but I always thought I was hard to love. I poured and poured into other cups, stretched myself too thin, and gave at the expense of my sanity. It took me years to realize I gave too much to people who would never do the same. When I finally found my people, I often wondered if I was worthy of their affection, their time, and their love. No matter how many times someone tells you they love you, it means nothing if you don’t truly believe it yourself.
After ages, I realized the root of the issue wasn’t me simply always assuming the worst in people, and therefore they must be lying when they say they love me. The issue was that I was projecting my insecurities onto other people’s genuine intentions.
Hearing “you are deserving of the love you give” made me take a look around the people I surrounded myself with. They were people I was myself around, people who cherished me and my loud and cackling laugh, people who let me break down and build me back up again, people who saw me for me and not an idea they had of me.
So I guess what I’m trying to say to my younger self is, you absolutely are deserving of the love you give. You can give, and give, and give, but you are also allowed to receive too. People would not share their time, energy, and efforts if they did not want to. This funny thing called free will is really amazing. So if you can choose who you give you’re all to, recognize that people who are giving it to you choose to because they want to.
You are deserving of everything good that comes your way. You are deserving of the love you give. And most importantly, you are deserving of love.