How do we stay connected but not attached? This is my million dollar question. My ex and I had a really solid relationship for two years, and as we approached college we were struggling to come to a conclusion of how we should continue. We were not only dating, but best friends, and wanted to keep each other in our lives while still being able to live and grow in our own college experiences.
Beginning my freshman year, I realized I was not alone in the confusion of this transition. So many people had just gotten out of relationships or were still in contact with their former partner. Each person had made a different decision on how to navigate this adjustment; long distance, area code dating (only dating when you are both in the same area code), minimal talking or no contact.
I quickly realized that the people who had chosen no contact with their ex had the ability to throw themselves into the new community and begin moving on. Area code or minimal talking is supposed to give individuals the ability to fully embrace the college experience while still staying connected. My ex and I decided to take the “minimal talking” approach, and it was much harder than I had expected. We continued talking a lot, and although we had agreed we weren’t dating, I came to this realization: I hadn’t truly broken up with my ex. Keeping in contact kept me attached, and I didn’t feel any desire to put myself out there or pursue other people. I felt really confused and frustrated by the failure of our attempt to “stay connected.” With our main priority being each other’s well-being and the soundness of our overall relationship, we agreed the healthiest decision was to cut contact for a while.
It was comforting knowing others around me were going through a similar experience. Starting school, I met so many people who had just gotten out of a relationship and were still working on letting go of the past. I noticed a shared belief of the idea “if it’s meant to be we will find our way back to each other,” with the understanding that beginning our new college lives was not the time to hold onto what our previous relationships had been.
Love makes things complicated, especially when the decision to break up is not based on anything negative, but instead circumstance. People have asked me if the turbulence of this transition made me feel like it was the “right person wrong time.” I personally do not claim that term, because relationships give you growth and perspective. I like to think that our story might continue one day, but I recognize our past is a chapter that has finished. Growth can’t happen if I stay waiting for what we could be in the future. Reconnection is possible, but a stage of healing and personal growth needs to happen first. Will I see him over Thanksgiving? Probably. Will that spin me back into another round of attachment? Potentially.
What I’ve realized is there isn’t one correct way to handle a transition like this. My biggest advice is to practice strong communication and work together. It is a complicated and overwhelming process. Every relationship is different, and everybody approaches it differently. Regardless, I learned that detaching while staying connected sounds gratifying in theory, but is practically impossible to accomplish in reality.