Let me just start by saying that I’m not overly picky when it comes to men that I date. I just am selective about who I invest my time into. I would happily date Patrick Verona or Peter Kovinsky. They just would have to exist in real life…and then ask me out. Minor details. I would even accept a real-world lookalike, but the ‘90s rom-com boyfriend seems even less attainable.
But seriously speaking, there have truly been very few boys that I really thought I could date. There are even fewer that I would say I came close to admitting that I loved. It is a funny thing to date while knowing exactly what you are looking for. You quickly weed out potential suitors after the first date and are consistently waiting on the next person to pique your interest, while knowing that they will most likely only survive one week of scrutiny before falling to the wayside. And while I am not explicitly dating for marriage, I’m not dating just to break up either. Dating in your twenties can be very odd.
However, there are a few individuals that have defied all odds and lasted longer than anyone would have expected.
These people embodied the specific archetypes that each college student can relate to having dated, which means that this will either be a hilarious walk down memory lane or a brilliant cautionary message to each person that reads this article. Let’s hope for your sake that it is the latter.
1. The one that led you on
You know that one person who took you on a date, acted like they were interested in you, maybe even started planning a second date with you and then ghosted you? It is a funny experience to be convinced that someone can see a future, or at least the start of something, but then they stop answering your text messages and you are left to wonder if you are, in fact, the problem in your dating life.
This one, and there probably isn’t only one, is undoubtedly the reason for your trust issues. This is the person that you waited up all night to text you. The person you sent millions of funny TikToks to under the false pretense that they enjoyed your sense of humor. The person that you thought every Instagram reel that said “this is your sign” that a person liked you was about. And suddenly, you realize that they really did not care.
The cure for this sense of disappointment is sitting in a pair of comfy pajamas with ice cream while watching a romantic comedy that will prove that love still exists in the world. I would recommend a movie about a bad boy chasing after a good girl. Those always seem to prove the point that love will find you one day, and until you are ready to accept that truth, it is the perfect movie to yell at while you reflect about how you absolutely hate the world.
2. the one that you lost interest in
I cannot decide what is worse: to have interest lost in you or to lose interest in another person. Truthfully, it is probably the former since losing interest in another person is not indicative of you as a person. However, there is a special kind of sadness when you consider someone as worthy dating material only to find out a groundbreaking secret that makes you think twice about getting into a relationship with them.
In my experience, these revelations usually come in four forms: parental issues, impending life crisis, bigotry and sometimes there just isn’t a spark. I don’t really know which one occurs more, but I will say that these are the main reasons why I suddenly lose interest in a prospective partner. In my experience, people need to sort out these issues on their own before entering into a relationship where their focus is split between themselves and their partner. Therefore, my interest tends to wane when these problems are revealed.
Honestly, there is no need to get over the guy in this situation, but there it is necessary to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt of allowing your feelings to fade. It’s okay to change your mind about someone. Everyone thought boot cut jeans were cute for a time and look at how wrong they were. But to address the elephant in the room of whether you loved this person or not, you probably liked the idea of them. However, as every person has learned from romantic comedies, the idea of a person and who they actually are can be two very different things.
3. the one that love bombed you
To be honest, I don’t really understand why love bombing is still an issue in the 21st century but here we are. When you are love bombed, an individual becomes so infatuated with you during the first few weeks or months of dating that borderline stalking ensues. With constant gifts arriving to your house, frequent bump-ins when you know that the person does not reside anywhere near you or near constant communication, love bombing is a definite way that someone makes themself less appealing to date.
Depending on the level of severity, I would almost definitely recommend a restraining order or moving if this happens to you. There is also the option of utilizing your college’s resources in the Title IX office to issue a no contact order. This behavior is scary and off-putting. More often than not, the behavior is something that you won’t even recognize until a friend or family member points it out. In my personal experience, I didn’t even notice that it was an issue until I had to break up with them.
The best method of dealing with this archetype of a partner is to make sure that you are safe. Furthermore, do not allow yourself to place the blame anywhere except on the person love bombing you. The fault for another person’s actions can never be placed on you. It is not your fault that a person utilized this strategy of showing their affection or that you were manipulated into thinking that was what love truly was about. Your job is to heal and move past this hurt.
4. the one that you lost yourself in
This archetype hits a little too close to home for some people. The person that embodied this was probably the person that you saw yourself spending the rest of your life with. Or, they were the person that you were closest to and your confidant for anything and everything. Regardless, losing this person left a huge whole in your heart that you felt could never be replaced.
However, if you are honest with yourself, most relationships that end with one person losing their identity in another will always be toxic. These relationships were built upon the idolization of the other party, so obviously there is going to be some codependency and other issues that will never be fully discussed. Furthermore, you probably weren’t willing to admit that there were hardships in this particular relationship because if you did, there was a big chance that it would have ended, which would leave you completely lost.
The only way to truly cope from this kind of relationship is to find yourself. Maybe this will take the form of experiencing new things like signing up for a cooking class, learning how to tap dance or finding a new passion outside of your major. Focus on the people in your life who love you for exactly the person that you are. Whatever the case may be, finding yourself and being happy in who you are is the most important thing that you can take out of this failed relationship.
5. the one that never really liked you
I hate to say it, but we have all been there. We have all had that one person that we clung onto and held out hope for thinking that they would show an inkling of interest in us only to be disappointed when they find another individual that appeals more to them. If you are the one person reading this who has never been in this situation, just keep reading and don’t ruin this moment for the rest of us.
The truth about this person is that you will never really know if your feelings were an idolization of who they could be, a deep care for what they meant to you or a legitimate love for them as a person that would have developed in a relationship. The good news is that ice cream and donuts exist for a reason. This is the moment where you go and buy some sweet treats and curl up with “Bridgerton” playing on your laptop as you shut out the world. We have all been there, and no one will judge you for this, whether you own up to doing it or not.
Love is a funny thing that is hard to define and even harder to recognize. In any case, what is important to remember is that there is no reward for saying that you love someone quickly, just like there is no reward about holding off for years before saying it to someone. Many people have been in a situation with at least one of these archetypes that could have fooled us into thinking it was love. So, here is to all the boys and girls that we thought we loved before.