Real Live College Guy Sean: I Want A Relationship, But He Doesn’t. What Now?

Broke from calling late night love lines for advice? Looking for the lowdown on the hoedown when it comes to college guys? Real Live College Guy Sean is here to help you pick apart the mind of the average college guy. Whether it’s avoiding that awkward weekend hook-up, or full-on relationship advice, Sean is here to save the day!

We talk every day. We've been sleeping together for three months. His friends love me. My friends love him. He says he "doesn't know what he wants" but apparently that isn't a relationship. I've already waited this long, waiting a little longer could still possibly turn into a relationship, right? We've had the talk about us one hundred times, and he says that he just doesn't feel comfortable in a relationship. Am I being stupid? - Played at Plymouth?

Hey there, Played at Plymouth,

You’ve been hanging out all the time and you’re pretty much exclusive, all that’s missing is the label. But for whatever reason, this guy simply isn’t ready to be in a relationship. Maybe he has too many things going on in his life. Maybe he’s still hung up on someone else. Maybe he’s trying to stay single for the end of the world on December 21st. Who knows? The point is, he just isn’t ready. It’s a pretty unfair situation.

Firstly, make sure he’s not playing you like a game of Angry Birds (people still play that, right?).

Sometimes, scummy guys who simply want a friend with benefits will say almost anything if it results in sex. Is it douchey? Yes. Is it effective? Also yes. But news flash: if he only texts you after 10pm, you’re probably a booty call.

Luckily, I don’t sense that this guy has these intentions. For many guys, if they haven’t committed after this amount of time, they may never commit. However, if he’s introduced you to his friends, that’s a pretty good sign that he isn’t just in it for the sex, and maybe just needs a little more time. What you need to do is gauge how long you’re willing to wait for him to come around versus how badly you want to be in a relationship. If you’re tired of being in a flirtationship, and are at your breaking point, give him an ultimatum. Forcing his hand is a bit of a risky move, but it will get him to think about what life would be like without you around. If he stands his ground, think about your needs. If you’re truly tired of waiting for him to come around, maybe it’s time for you to move on to someone who is more rabbit and less turtle when it comes to forming a relationship.

In the meantime, think about holding off on the physical part for a while. Not only will this make him think about the situation more clearly (and with a correct part of his body), but also if he sticks around, it will tell you where his priorities are. If he becomes distant or agitated and demands sex… I think you know what to do.

The point is, it’s totally okay to ask to define the relationship. Sit him down and be sincere. Lay out your needs clearly and let him know that you’d like a relationship now. But overall, don’t hound him about it daily. For many guys, myself included, there’s nothing worse than being asked “what we are” almost hourly. But, if you’re clear about your desires and firm on your needs (as you should be), there’s nothing wrong with forcing the conversation a bit.

I don’t want to sound like I’m only sticking up for this guy, but remember that relationships are a two-way street. If you think he’s worth the wait, then wait. Since he’s told you he isn’t comfortable in a relationship, I’m pretty sure that he won’t dive into one with someone else. However, let him know that you have a deadline. Three months is quite a long time and if he still is unable to commit, it may be time to put your needs ahead of his and move on.

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Sean is a senior at the University of Pittsburgh majoring in communications and minoring in film studies. Attending NYU in the fall to pursue a Masters in Journalism, Sean enjoys writing about virtually anything. In his time at Pitt, Sean has worked as a DJ for an automotive program on campus and abroad in London.

Sean is originally from Rhode Island, which is far from Pittsburgh, but he is fond of the scenic drive. Sean likes tea instead of coffee, photography, and fire alarm testing (through his cooking). Sean also enjoys playing guitar and piano, skiing, golfing, and practical jokes. You can follow Sean on Twitter at @seanmcfarland1.

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