“Can I Steal You For A Second”
No, but really, can we talk about the craziness that millions of viewers tune in to watch every Monday night? That’s right, The Bachelor, ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies). One guy and twenty-eight girls all after one thing: FAME. Just kidding, love. This season, the “unlovable” Ben Higgins is hoping to find the girl who will mend his broken heart. In case you forgot, Ben was on Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season of The Bachelorette. You can’t blame the girl for not choosing him in the end. She ended up with a Ryan Gosling look-a-like and we are all applauding her for that. Anyways, viewers feel pretty hopeful that Ben will find his one and only this season but, there are a few things we need to cover before that happens. Here is a list of topics every Bachelor fan is thinking right now:
1. I think we can all agree it is important to start with where the craziness begins—Lace. She is the perfect example of just how much wine these girls are actually consuming through out their duration on the show. Lace seemed pretty promising when she first stepped out of the limo but she proved us all wrong the moment she planted a kiss on Ben…and then asked for a redo just a few hours later. Lets not forget about the eye-contact issue during elimination. Oh and girls, if you repeatedly say ‘I’m not crazy”, chances are, you are indeed crazy. Lace ended up leaving the show on her own terms to work on herself and her own issues. Lace, can’t say we are sad to see you go, but glad that you are focusing on you girl!
2. The Twins. Really? In what world would you compete with your sister for the same man? Bravo, Bachelor casting, you really outdid yourself on this one. For some absurd reason, Ben realized he could no longer continue to date both sisters. He chose to eliminate Haley (Right? That was the one?) in the comfort of her mom’s home and her twin bed to cry in. Very classy, Ben Higgins. The good news is the two received plenty of camera time this episode. The bad news is that is probably the most they will get! Sorry Emily, we Bachelor fans just don’t see you sticking around much longer either.
3. So, where exactly do these girls come from? When you audition do they say, “Hey, use this make-up wipe so we can see if you’re still attractive with out it?” Really though, I DO NOT look like that. Do you have to try on a bikini in front of the casting directors? Is there ever a one-on-one date where Ben and I would be skiing? I could definitely look good in a snowsuit! Also, do these girls have a savings account built up before the show so they can afford the gowns and jewelry? They are certainly not wearing Forever 21. Should I stop eating these pizza rolls and shave my legs if I plan on auditioning? I NEED ANSWERS.
4. Chris Harrison, what will happen when you are old? Are you drinking the same thing Pharrell’s drinking? Will The Bachelor still air when your face starts to age? Are YOU single?
5. The “unlovable” Ben Higgins. Oh, because you are just so damaged. You are amazingly good looking, athletic, have a college degree, have a job, and you want to be a father. You want to know what unlovable is? Come see me when I first wake up in the morning and then we will talk. I get the “unlovable” approach reels women in because we love to “fix” people but really, look in the mirror.
6. Can we quit with the hot tubs and convertibles? Enough is enough, people! First off, lord knows how long it takes these women to prepare for a date. If I spent hours on my hair and make up, do you think I would want to ride in a convertible to just to arrive to a hot tub? HELL NO. Where are these tubs coming from, anyway? They’re in a dessert. They’re in a liquor store. It’s madness.
7. Lauren B., Caila, Jo Jo, and maybe Becca. Final four. Why? Well, can you remember any other girls’ names at this point?
8. Jubilee. Okay, so her one-on-one with Ben was a little hard to watch. Do we think they are a match? Egh, probably not. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to find love though. Oh and Jubilee, please stop letting these basic bi**ches get to you. You served our country and have the body of a goddess. You are the real winner here.
9. Last but not least, drumroll please….OLIVIA. Where to begin with this girl? First impression rose and its all gone downhill since then. Olivia, you had SO much potential. That was before we knew about your weird toes, cankles, and bad breath. We did love you though. Your make-up the first night was amazing and you and Ben really did seem to hit it off. You disappointed us very quickly. After your lack of sympathy for Ben’s deceased loved ones, Bachelor fans around the world thought your time was finally up. Well, we thought wrong. If we have to deal with your make-believe relationship with Ben, manipulation, bitchiness, and cringe-worthy talent show performances for weeks to come, please do us all a favor and CLOSE. YOUR. MOUTH.