After three years living in a basement of a chaotic townhouse I finally took a big girl step and broke my apartment virginity. I do love the calm atmosphere, the clean kitchens and the lack of fall millipedes giving me near heart attacks on unsuspecting Tuesday mornings. However, in all honesty, the shiny walls, semi respectable neighbors and feeling of competence, did not shy away from the most awkward/annoying/hilarious part of living in an apartment building…the one form of transportation with a mirror large enough to look into your soul. You all know what I am referring to – the dreaded ELEVATOR:
1. That Person that you.. – Used to know in elementary school that you inexplicably tried to tackle to the ground when you were drunk the night before. That girl who has without fail appeared next to you in every one of your classes since that first year tutorial where she totally judged your comment about Freud’s psychoanalysis theory as applied to Jersey Shore. That friend of all your friends that you’re just not friends with who you ate lunch with that one time six months ago as you bonded over a shared love of sauce-less foot long subs. Living in a student town provides an endless supply of these “acquaintances” ranging from “may as well be a stranger” to “smile at in Weldon”. These are usually the luck of the draw in elevator etiquette as most of the conversations are pretty standard, however they tend to get more awkward the more they are repeated. A simple ecstatic ‘hey’ followed by a quick general run down of how they’ve been since said drunken meeting/class/infosource run in/time we have chosen to never speak of again, nicely rounded out by as many forms of “see you around” you can come up with before – oh PING darn this is you’re floor? Well- Have a nice life! (Disclaimer: You are both secretly praying to the good lord that this meeting will NOT be repeated in any sort of near future. You are both aware of how funny that just was. You will both without fail forget about this meeting in at most 72 hours. And guess what? You are both just fine with that)
2. The Good Friend – Arguably the most awkward, as a simple elevator run in can turn any good friendship into a meeting of two strangers (let me also point out that when other people are around, one must multiply the awkwardness by ten.) It begins with the surprise “omg, hi!” (The surprise never seems to die down either. It’s not like you’re living in an apartment building that is 75% students, 65% of whom you know on a personal level or anything). The length of the 6-floor ride is not enough for a full conversation or debrief but much too long to just leave it at a simple hey where are you coming from (which you probably already know/can easily assume). You both struggle for the words but nothing seems right. You are strangers in an alternate universe as you struggle to comment or relive some memory from the conversation you most likely had an hour ago. “Why is this so difficult!”, you whine to yourself. You try to come up with something (anything) to say, and just as you maybe think of an even slightly intelligent comment to say to this person you have shared most of your young adult life with – the elevator pauses and you blurt out a mandatory but equally uncomfortable “I’ll call you later” as you continue the ride up feeling like you’re whole world has been turned upside down.
3. The Stranger Who Wants to Talk
“Will you press 11 for me?”
you press 11 for them
“You look freezing”
“Ya haha its pretty cold out there”
you look back at your phone
“Been studying hard for midterms?”
Wait what did he just ask? Oh sure, stress me out more why don’t you… um… how am I supposed to put “no I am NOT and that is because both my social and school life is in shambles thanks to that terrible friend of mine I can never say no to” into a neat short sentence that requires no context?
“Ya they’re killer”
You have never said killer in you’re life, but at this point – anything goes
“Well have a safe day then! Keep Warm!”
Frustrated by this stranger’s confusing interruption, you sigh heavily and finally make it back to where you left off on your Facebook feed as you exit into another cold, dark London day. “What type of world does he think we live in”, you wonder.
4. The Stranger who Doesn’t Want to Talk – Closed mouth smile as you walk in. Press button. Stare at button. Take phone out of pocket. Look down at phone. Scroll. Click. Back in pocket. Look at ceiling. Look at door. Look in mirror. Realize you look like one of those people who check themselves out in the elevator mirror. Quickly revert gaze. Elevator stops. Walk towards door. Extra five seconds of mandatory unconscious bouncing waiting for door to open. Exit. Exhale.
5. The Man with the Dogs – You all know him within five minutes of living in this building. The elevator stops. You hold your breath and hug the corner as tight as you can as the little scrawny one shoots you looks through the mirror. “Why me…”, we all wonder, “Why today?”
6. The One Time Hookup that was a Mistake the First Time and Most Definitely a Mistake the Second Time – The door opens. You have no exit strategy. You will handle this like a MAN – yes you will. Who cares that your face is beet red and your heart is racing faster than you even thought humanly possible. The second party is equally uncomfortable but is trying to be smooth or maybe he just doesn’t care. Or maybe… no… he couldn’t not remember me! He says ‘hey’ (he definitely remembers). You say hi through a muffled giggle. You look at your phone and count down from 100 as the floors seem as if they’re moving backwards. There are some knowing smiles and maybe a goodbye. You exit the elevator with a new spring in your step and call everyone on your contact list and explain in excruciating detail what just happened. You don’t know if you’re happy, sad, embarrassed, or pissed off, but one thing is certain – you are definitely going out tonight.