It seemed like a classic story. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl become friends. Boy kisses girl and then… it gets really complicated.
Can we just take a moment to review what happened?
We met in first year and were friends, not necessarily close. I never looked at you twice but always enjoyed your company.
Then we went into second year, and I liked your roommate. It’s really funny to think that you and I only became close because I came over to hang out with him. We got really close and next thing I know by third year I was coming over to hang out with you instead. Then it got confusing.
Now we’re in fourth year.
I thought about you platonically for so long until you started initiating things, and with all the mixed signals I developed some genuine feelings. For a while I couldn’t differentiate if I just really cared about you or liked you, and I didn’t let myself feel anything until I was sure that it was leading to something. Once I let my guard down, I saw so much potential.
At the very least, I expected that you truly cared about me too, but by the end of it, you did not act like you did. I was also so sure you had feelings for me… At first it was as simple as “no way he would download the whole Lana del Rey album without knowing any of the songs just because she’s my favorite singer if he didn’t like me.” Very soon it was “no way he would be holding my hands against his chest, caressing my hair and telling me I was beautiful if he didn’t like me.” It just did not make sense to me otherwise.
Then you kissed me and I thought we had made it. I had been waiting for it for so long. How could I have known that your intentions were nothing beyond a possible hook up with me? You changed the entire narrative. You called me “babe” and immediately I knew I had been wrong about everything. Things escalated physically. Within the span of minutes, I went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I was in shock.
I felt really degraded in that moment because that’s not where I thought it was going. I just felt reduced to my body and nothing beyond it.
If all you wanted was to hook up then why didn’t you just get a girl off of Tinder or at a bar? Why me when you knew how I felt? I explicitly told you how I felt and from what I remember you said you liked me. Then you changed your mind and said you just wanted to be friends and the next time after saying that to me you invited me over for wine and cuddled with me. This is not how friends act. I have plenty of guy friends with whom I’ve hung out one on one without their “testosterone,” as you like to use as an excuse, getting in the way.
It wasn’t even just a one-time thing…This had been going for a while which just contributes to my confusion.
How did you not feel anything through all that? It’s one thing if you don’t want to pursue it for whatever reason but another to completely dismiss it. There was something there, don’t tell me there wasn’t, because I never felt anything until you brought me here.
If you honestly think I’m wrong and truthfully just perceived platonically this whole time, then why did you let get this far? That’s just mean.
Don’t say sorry. I know you’re sorry. That’ not the point. Even after talking to you about it, I still don’t understand. What could I have possibly misinterpreted? Did I just the imagine the whole thing? I was so sure.
Even though we never dated, this still feels like a breakup.
The worst part is that I tried to be careful…. did not let myself or act on anything for as long as I could…but I guess I wasn’t careful enough.
Xoxo,
Your “friend”