It’s not a secret that girls love a good bitching session. As much as I hate to add to the stereotype of girls as catty and gossip-loving, it does have some truth to it. I am not immune to this, and enjoy few things more than bitching about inconveniences in my life. Naturally, this impulse to chat infiltrates into friendships as well; sometimes it improves a friendship but, more often, it hinders one.
The best advice I could give someone trying to understand the complex dynamics of girl friendships would be, don’t even bother. Truth is, we don’t understand it ourselves. All we know is that, inevitably, a friendship with another woman will be surrounded by drama during at least one point in time. Whether it’s about grades or a clichéd fight over a guy, girls just can’t seem to get along with each other without a few significant altercations. The proof of this statement is constantly reiterated through many girls saying they “just get along better with guys” or proclaiming themselves as the exception to otherwise terrible and insensitive girls.
So why do guys seem to get along better with their friends than girls do with theirs? After giving this question some serious consideration, I could not come up with an indisputable answer. All I know is that it is very rare for me to hear a guy friend talk behind his friend’s back, or to in depth examine a situation to determine if one of their friends is mad at them. Guys just seem to take everything at face value. If you like someone, they are your friend, if you don’t like someone then they aren’t your friend. More importantly, if a guy doesn’t like someone they don’t tend to go out of their way to display that fact.
In the last few years a strange phenomenon of acting friendly towards someone you secretly dislike has been named. This relationship has been deemed being a “frenemy” and can refer to pretending to be someone’s friend when you really aren’t, or to being friends with a person but at the same time viewing them as a rival. It is this second category that I notice the most among many girls, as manifested in the desire to outdo female friends. Much attention is given to the struggles women face within a patriarchy (which I don’t dispute) but what is largely ignored is the restrictions placed upon women by other women.
Magazines proudly boast columns about who wore it better, which female celebrity looks better without make up, which woman can get the best looking man, and many, many more. So is it really any wonder that this competitiveness finds its way into our friendships? We are constantly told that we need to one up each other, to be better, to be fitter, to be more desirable than our friends. The same level of competition is not felt among male-female friendships because the sex divide makes it virtually impossible to directly compare one to the other. There is often a similar phenomenon between sisters and the comparison of their achievements, looks, and demeanors. Having an older brother, we were not directly compared. In fact, many people often comment on how different we are from each other. I can’t help but to wonder if our differences were so easily explained away due to our differing genders, and if he was a girl would our similarities have been more closely scrutinized.
What I don’t understand is why men do not feel a similar, somewhat consuming desire to compete with their friends. Regardless, we need to follow their example and appreciate our friends rather than feel threatened by their achievements. I think we all need to take these strategies from bro friendships:
- If something is bothering you, immediately tell the other person. Guys possess the ability to fight (sometimes physically, which I don’t recommend) but then to ultimately resolve the issue and repair the friendship. Rather than keeping things bottled up and discussing behind a person’s back, we need to directly confront them.
- Think less. A large portion of our lives is lived through screens, whether on a computer or a cell phone. Naturally, we spend too much time online and overanalyze every little thing. She didn’t like our Instagram picture, are we in a fight??? I sent that text an hour ago and she has yet to reply, what is wrong with her?!! This is a large generalization but, in my experience, I find that guys care much less about social interactions and more about real life ones. This is what we should do. So put down the phone and go talk to your friend if you are worried there is an issue.
- Put your friends before a relationship with a significant other. Many men use the age-old saying “bros over hoes” and, despite being slightly offensive, there is some wisdom there. How many times have you heard of girls fighting over a guy? Probably too many to count. Yes, guys also fight over girls but they also don’t usually resort to calling their competition a “slut” or trying to ruin their social life. We all need to decide what is more important to us – an old friend or some random bar guy- and put whatever wins first. Hopefully it is your friend.
I’m sure there are many more ways to improve a friendship, but the underlying theme is just to be kinder. Rather than gossiping about a poor decision your friend made, discuss it with her. Celebrate your accomplishments together and more importantly support each other if you don’t succeed. I am definitely guilty of many of the negative traits described in this article, but the first step is realizing it and fixing it. After all, who else can you have a better time with than your best girl friends?