As a newly single college girl who had no interest in flirting with any more frat boys, I decided to give Tinder a try. I know what you’re thinking, you’re judging me, and it’s cool because I’m judging me too. I’m here to vouch for Tinder, not as a means of finding your Prince Charming (although who knows I guess) but as another opportunity altogether. You see, when I first joined Tinder I had no idea how to date…but the weirdest part was I didn’t know that I had no idea how to date. I had been a serial monogamist since I was 13 years old so in my mind I was practically Carrie Bradshaw. I’d dated my boyfriend from high school well into college and by the time we broke up I quickly realized the college-dating scene at a large university varied from that of my small town high school.
I sat in my corolla, a single college senior who for the first time in her life was ready to “date” as opposed to quickly settling down with a boyfriend. I guiltily installed Tinder onto my phone, deleting it within seconds before reinstalling it hours later after I’d allowed the idea to mull around in my head for a while. I drew a hot bath for myself, poured myself a glass of cheap champagne and resolved to spend the rest of my evening scrolling through hundreds of eligible bachelors on my new iPhone game (after all the grocery store below my apartment didn’t have the new Cosmo yet). The first lesson I learned on Tinder was how picky you’re allowed to be. If a “potential suitor” lacked original photos, I kicked him to the curb, if Tinderman clearly couldn’t tell the difference between “your” and “you’re” there was no way I was swiping right. Never in my short lived dating life had I ever been so picky. I began filtering out men based off of the spellings of their name, the creativity of their descriptions and whether or not (in my mind) it seemed likely the suitor would turn out to be a serial killer stalker. I crawled into bed that night with a renewed sense of power over my dating life.
The Tinder “swipe” process quickly evolves into something more, after a few “swipe right”s (matches) and way more “ew no”s, it is assumed a few men will begin messaging you. I doubt it is uncommon to fall head first into a full-fledged panic attack at the sight of yout first “Tinder message”. I asked myself all the normal questions a college woman should ask herself when a stranger begins pursuing her online. Who is this man? Why is he interested in talking to me? Does he really expect me to drop everything and meet him for dinner tonight? How can I be sure he isn’t catfishing me? How can he be sure I’m not catfishing him? And most importantly, do normal people really just agree to meet up with random strangers from phone applications? I wondered if I was paranoid or had simply spent too much time reading about Ted Bundy. Against all odds, and better judgment I began Tinder dating like a mad woman. I went on so many dates I became accustomed to eating my meals for free although I never stopped hyperventilating in my car before each one. Let my experience be a lesson for you, here are a few guys you are guaranteed to meet in the “Tindersphere”
The Grown Up Frat Boy – This guy is just like a regular frat boy but all grown up and graduated from college. He’s pretty to look at, has copious amounts of alcohol available at all times and overuses winky faces via text. Unlike the frat guys you’re accustomed to, he has his own apartment, a real job and even more cheesy one-liners up his sleeve. This guy will gaze into your eyes longingly over dinner, call you “baby” on a second date, and as many college boys do, make promises he has no intention of keeping. He says he wants to take you out on his boat, on a hike, to meet his friends, etc. It’s all music to the ears just know this is one of those “they all say things you want to hear when there are ulterior motives involved” situations so be cautious.
The Techy Nerd – Your first date with the techy nerd will probably be a chill meet up for coffee, he might spill tea on himself, casually bring up binary code, and stutter a little bit as he hugs you goodbye. His awkwardness is mainly just awkward but a small part of you may find it endearing, especially those of you who lay awake fantasizing about Peter Parker. After a date or two you will be convinced Techy Nerd is not only obsessed with you but head over heels in love with you. He can’t stop ranting about how beautiful you are, he laughs at all your jokes, and most importantly he goes out of his way to plan out sweet dates. You start envisioning your life talking nerdy instead of talking dirty until he becomes so wrapped up in coding and compilers or something, how can a guy who designs phone apps in his free time really not be bothered to text you back?!
The Hipster- Naturally Seattleites will be drawn to the Hipster due to his suspenders and thick rimmed glasses. The Hipster will most likely draw you in with intelligent conversation, witty jokes and the alluring curiosity that come along with a guy who invites you to play croquet with his handmade croquet set on a first date. It’s so cute how he wears the same jeans as you and drives the cutest little mini cooper and sends you those ironic selfies of him wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt to bed. Dates with your hipster suitor will never be ordinary (or mainstream) but even ladies as “not basic” as you just want to see a non indie film and grab coffee at mainstream Starbucks once in awhile.
The Insta-Husband – Insta Husband is ready to settle down from the moment he meets you. You’ll know because he’ll show up with your favorite flowers on your first date, which may seem oddly coincidental, as you don’t recall ever mentioning your favorite blooms. Insta-Husband will quickly toss around jokes about how beautiful and genetically superior your children together will be and will find it odd that you haven’t yet decided where you want to raise a family. You’ll laugh off his premature commitment until he starts grilling you on your family’s history of fertility, your parenting style and whether or not you carry the red headed gene. Suddenly you’ll feel all kinds of claustrophobic and breaking things off with “Insta-Husband” will be a no brainer.
The “DTF” Bro – You’ll know “DTF” Bro because as soon as you meet up for lunch he’ll suggest tequila shots and a quick trip back to his apartment. DTF Bro seems like a good time, and appeals to the inner freshman party girl within you but the relationship is unsustainable. While he drinks Coronas at noon and plays Mario Kart with his roommates you’re dashing off to class with your damp term paper that smells slightly like Budlight mixed with unemployment and desperation. Some DTF Bros are even bold enough to suggest physical intimacy before you even meet in the flesh or exchange phone numbers. This dude is most likely trouble for both your heart and your GPA. Even if you are looking for a casual hook up, anyone who is willing to become intimate without first discussing sexual health and birth control should be a sign you must proceed with caution.
What can these Tindermen teach you about dating? About life? About yourself? I’m going to sound like a complete lunatic when I say this but I can honestly preach that Tinder has taught me more about dating and yes even myself (outside of dating) than I could have ever imagined. Tinder has taught me how to date (you know like real dates not just “hanging out”), how to stop over analyzing three word text messages for four hours and most importantly how to find fulfillment and value in myself outside of others.
There are going to be guys who tell you you are beautiful just to make you feel like crap when they don’t text the next day. There are going to be guys who surprise you with the perfect date only to move on to the next girl before he even drops you off at home. There are going to be guys who make you homemade candles and text you nonstop for weeks only to freak out and go missing the minute you mention meeting for drinks with you and your friends.
Moral of the story, you wonderful you, are just as gorgeous, intelligent, hilarious and worthy of love, whether or not your Tinder date sees it or not. Tinder can be inflating, and humbling and in the end a great reminder that who we are doesn’t change just because Mr. Sexy-Six-pack conveniently looses our number.