For as long as I can remember, I’ve had many identity crises. Who am I? Am I acting fake in front of others? Do I have personas?
Not gonna lie, I feel like Hannah Montana didn’t help me with this as a pre-teen.
It’s not something I talk about often. As an introvert and someone with generalized anxiety, it is hard to understand if how I behave to others (profs, friends, co-workers) is authentically “me”.
I change a lot. I feel like even my voice changes dramatically depending on if I’m talking to a customer at work or a guy I want to impress.
I even contradict myself. What I’m coming to learn is that I don’t ‘lie’, but in different situations I can understand different arguments about things. Honestly, less foundational beliefs can change depending on my mood; I know that sounds bad. When I’m tired I don’t have the energy to argue that people should or shouldn’t do something, and if I’m in a stricter environment I can more easily solidify rigid rules for myself and others.
So do I change?
I feel like a completely different person. With my best friend, I’m the glamourous, gets-all-the-guys, fake blonde hair and fake teeth, don’t-let-her-be-your-wingwoman girl. This is because my best friend is shy and doesn’t care about her looks nearly as much as I care about mine. Relatively speaking, this is my identity.
With my boyfriend, I am the sometimes-needy-but-still-cute, dorky, logical, conservative, religious, honest person I am comfortable being. This is why, as an introvert, I find it a lot less exhausting hanging out with him than anyone else. This alone isn’t the ‘true” me.
With family, I am the baby who gets what she wants and is sometimes annoying, but is also the most outgoing and goofy of all of the kids. When my siblings come home to visit I feel a lot less stressed and anxious at home. I feel comfort in once again being the youngest child – not the only child – in the house. I am louder, friendlier, more helpful, and generally happier.
Perhaps you’ve felt this way: you change depending on who you’re with and maybe even where you are.
Psychologists are exploring this as a way for us to categorize our “selves”. They argue that we are not one set of personality traits and behaviours. I am not the “most me” in any of these situations. They are all equally me. This is still hard to grasp today because I convinced myself for so long that I must be putting on a mask when I change. Others have called my personalities my personas after seeing me change from how I act in church, as a camp councillor, and as a camper.
My limited mindset about myself and who I should be was actually dangerous. I set a mould for myself: a strict set of beliefs and roles and personality traits that I should be to be authentically me. If I acted any other way to friends or coworkers, I would feel guilt in thinking I wasn’t being true to myself.
I also limited what opportunities I should take: “No, I don’t do that. I’m not that kind of person.” This could extend to career choices and more adventurous excursions.
We need to take on different traits in order to feel more comfortable and accepted in different environments and societies. We need to stretch our beliefs about ourselves so that we can accomplish things we didn’t set out for ourselves to do.
So who are you? Well, a lot of things. You don’t have to feel ashamed of acting one way towards one group and another way to another. You don’t have to justify those changes. We are who we are are and we should all learn to love how variable our roles can be and how adaptable we are as humans.
My identity crisis is solved and I love all me(s).