Disclaimer: Alcoholism is not a joke. Please drink responsibly.
We can all admit that alcohol makes the holidays easier. Under the influence, you’re suddenly able to handle Helicopter Mom, Judgmental Granny, and Pervy Uncle with ease and grace. Unfortunately, we aren’t all blessed with a family that embraces the booze.
If you find yourself at a Thanksgiving gathering where alcohol or public intoxication is frowned upon, you’re going to have to improvise.
Here are my tried and true tips to getting lowkey turnt on Thanksgiving:
1. Pregame
As a college student, you know the advantages of pre-gaming. Get sloshed in your pajamas, ride with a designated driver (I recommend a sibling or a trusted cousin), and enjoy a tipsy reintroduction to the Great Aunt you always forget exists.
Spice up the apple cider with a splash of rum, pour some Bailey’s into your coffee mug, or add a shot of vodka to your orange juice. If you’re sly, you can use a normal flask. If you need an extra measure of camouflage, buy a sneaky flask! They come shaped like cell phones, tampons, hairbrushes, and bracelets.
3. Make a toast!
Champagne is associated with celebration, not inebriation. If you bring a bottle or two of champagne, everyone will feel culturally obligated to imbibe. Make a sweet toast about thankfulness and family, clink glasses and down the champagne as quickly as you can without it spewing through your nose. Refill and repeat.
4. Spike the punch
You don’t want to pour so much liquor in that you give your family alcohol poisoning… but maybe just enough that your racist and homophobic cousin will throw up and fall asleep with her hand resting in the toilet bowl. If your family isn’t awful to begin with, this will just enhance the evening!
5. Drunk in the trunk
Are you more of a beer person? Keep a cooler stocked with stout in the trunk of your car. Escape outside every so often to chug one with the classic excuse, “I’m getting the meat sweats, I need some fresh air.” If you decide that this method fits you best, please give your keys to your mom. Do not drink and drive.
6. Limit your food intake
The more you eat, the more you’ll have to drink to feel warm and fuzzy. I’m no scientist but I think if you cut down on the carbs, you won’t have to hide as many PBRs under your skirt.
7. Hang out with Embarrassment Aunt
We all have an aunt that your grandma calls a “fallen woman” even though the worst thing she ever did was cause a hometown scandal by sleeping with a married Little League coach. Because she’s the black sheep of the family, she already knows how to get lowkey drunk at Thanksgiving. She also has some wicked gossip on everyone.
If you’re not around anyone, no one can judge you for using a holiday as an excuse to get tanked. Now that’s something to be thankful for.
Drink responsibly! Do not drink and drive! Don’t drunk-text your ex or boss! Happy holidays!