Recently, I was having a conversation with a few of my guy friends, and eventually we happened upon the topic of relationships. Although it was interesting to hear a guy’s perspective on relationships, of course, this topic led to an intense debate. What really struck me about this conversation was the moment when one of my friends asserted he would “definitely” have sex with an attractive woman the first time they spent time together, but this same friend also claimed he could never imagine being in a relationship with a woman who was willing to have sex on the first encounter. Upon hearing this, every other guy in the room quickly agreed. I was so furious, not because my friends have beliefs, but because I know they – as guys – could never imagine being thought of in the same way by women. I remember becoming so angry with them that I could not even begin to articulate my opinion in that moment. I could feel my body temperature rising. My face was so hot that I could practically feel it pulsating. If I were a cartoon character, I’m certain there would have been steam propelling from my ears.
As angry as I was with my friends, they definitely made me think. Girls are taught that our worth is directly linked to a man’s opinion of us. Starting from a young age, girls are forced to confront destructive double standards – arguably one of the most powerful being the “prude-whore double standard.” This means that, as women, we should be willing to have sex with men when they expect sex from us, but we shouldn’t be too experienced – because that means you’re a whore. Women are expected to be “sexy virgins.” Moreover, we are socialized to be small, cute, and helpless – should any woman dare to defy this “norm,” she’s immediately criticized for not being feminine or lady-like.
We live in a society in which it’s “normal” for women to receive conflicting messages on how to conduct ourselves. Women need to be intelligent – but not so intelligent that we begin to question and push back against the societal expectations and double standards of women. Women are expected to be sexy – but not too sexy, because then we’ll attract the wrong attention (or even worse, we could send a man mixed signals and if we choose not to have sex, well then we we’re probably asking to be raped). And, women should be strong – but not so strong that we “lose” our dainty feminine appearance, or make men feel uncomfortable or less masculine.
Although I’m sure many people live under the assumption that our society is much more progressive, but many of these double standards have been able to withstand the test of time. It’s beyond problematic for the men in our lives to perpetuate these archaic notions because they do so at the expense of the self-esteem of young girls and women.