We’ve all done it: sitting on the toilet, scrolling through Kylie Jenner’s Instagram feed, thinking, “Man, how could I have a feed like that?” It seems impossible to rack up thousands of followers, but it’s pretty easy with 10 simple rules.
1. Decide if your picture is actually good enough to post. If you love the picture, you probably shouldn’t post it. Any pictures of food are off the table unless your entire feed is about food. You can’t let people know that you eat. Any sign of human tendencies on Instagram is an automatic no. Instead, post pictures of inanimate objects you don’t care about, with muted colors to show your mysterious side. Only post pictures that you think your followers will like, because it doesn’t matter what you like. Only the followers matter.
This picture? Sad! Who allowed this?
2. Make sure your caption is truly Insta-Worthy. Does it say a cute inside joke between you and your friend in the picture? Don’t use it. They can’t know you have more than superficial relationships in your life. Did you see an inspirational quote online that really spoke to you? Don’t use it. Being inspired is so cliche. Sometimes, the caption is more important than the picture, so Don’t. Mess. It. Up.
Look at this little girl. Who cares if she believes in herself?! Confidence is for people who have lives outside of their phone! Horrible!
3. Hashtags can be a mystery for so many people, so I’m gunna have to break it down for you. Don’t use more than three, or people might think that you want to use social media to share things with people. You don’t want your picture of fruit to show up on the fruit tag, for normal people to see. Don’t take #OOTD pictures, because it’ll let people know you wear clothes. Like I said, you can show no signs of human life. Also don’t use hashtags like #blessed, #love, or #happiness because no one can know that you’re happy. You are only funny, cool, and deep.
Stupid picture. Don’t put your ugly outfit on my hashtag feed! Disappointing!
4. Don’t post more than once a day. If you have two really great pictures that you’re desperate to post, either save it, or post it at least 8 hours later. If you post more than once a day, you have to wait an entire week until you post again. Any more than that makes your followers think that you’re desperate for attention. No one wants to see you more than once a day. It can get so annoying to see your friends having fun multiple times. It’s almost like you want to ruin everyone’s life. [CAUTION: THE PICTURE BELOW INCLUDES MULTIPLE INSTAGRAM TABOOS. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK]
Wow. This account is so disgusting that it broke 4 of the sacred rules. Delete your account.
5. You should always use a filter because basically everyone looks ugly without one. No one cares if you accept and love your body, cellulite, acne, and all. All your followers want to see is perfection. If this means using a separate app to erase every flaw on your entire body, do it. Unfortunately, the Instagram filters aren’t cute, so you need to download at least 5 other apps to apply filters to your pictures. It doesn’t matter if you have to delete pictures of your dog, family, and friends, or emergency contacts on your phone to make space for these apps. Do you want to be Kylie or not?
I don’t care if that Kelvin filter is ironic! UGLY!
6. The most important thing to think about on Instagram is the number of likes you have on each picture. Like I said earlier, it doesn’t matter if you like the picture. It only matters if other people like the picture. If less than 30 people like your picture, you need to take it down immediately because it’s ugly and probably so are you. If your record number of likes isn’t even over 30, why are you on Instagram???? A good way to get likes if you can’t muster them up from tips above is either forcing everyone you know to like your picture, or buy the likes online! Tons of people are willing to follow and like your pictures, as long as you pay them. If it means that you can’t buy toothpaste this month, it’s worth it! The correction apps will whiten your teeth anyway!
Eleven likes? I’d rather cut off all ten of my fingers and one toe than run that account. Boo!
7. Selfies are notorious in the Instagram community. Everybody loves them, but everybody hates them. Unless your makeup is NikkiTutorials level, don’t post a selfie. It just makes you look self centered, and gives millennials a bad rap for loving themselves. If you think you look good, remind yourself that Instagram doesn’t care, and too many selfies will make people unfollow you. The only non-makeup selfie you can take is one that makes you look fun and relatable, like a screenshot from Snapchat with the dog filter, or you kissing your sister’s baby. [Side note on babies: they are an Instagram hit. As long as you don’t spam the feed by posting pictures of babies that you care about, your follower count will shoot up.]
I can’t believe this girl thought ironic uses of anime terms would cover up the fact that she’s the most self centered person in the entire world. No one has more love for herself that she does. Sad!
8. Your feed needs have a cohesive theme at all times. This might mean that you can’t post a picture that you want because it doesn’t have blue undertones, but oh well. That’s the price you pay for not getting perfect lighting in a picture of you and your sister at her wedding. Some people use backgrounds behind every picture in their feed, but unless you’re running a company, magazine, etc Instagram, don’t use backgrounds. It might make your theme cohesive, but then it looks like you’re trying to make your theme cohesive. No one can know that you care. Try to make a theme by always using the same filter on pictures of the same people doing the same thing. Make your followers really have to look to tell that the pictures are different. People get scared and confused when they see too many colors. Look at this picture. The theme must be “a mess.”
What is this picture? Is this a promo for her account? Is it a heaping pile of trash? Are those two options the same thing? Mad!
9. I’ve heard a lot about “ratios” in college, whether it be at parties or math class. However, the most important ratio of them all is your follower to following ratio. You can never follow more people than are following you. I don’t care if you have to unfollow your mom, your best friend, or that corgi account that always brightens your day. You need to make sure that your followers think that more people like you than you like them. It’s an automatic Regina George status, without getting hit by a bus. If you’re like a certain girl I know (*cough* it’s me) and follow 700 dog accounts accounts, you need to reevaluate your life, unfollow all of them, and immediately leave Instagram. You might need to leave the country as well. Following things you like that don’t follow you back is just embarrassing.
Why is she following so many accounts? People are boring! Only follow accounts that you know will follow you back! BAD!
10. Finally, the most important rule of Instagram: ignore everything I just told you. Rules are stupid and Instagram is a great way of sharing your life. You can share any emotion on Instagram, because you’re entitled to emotions. No one cares about how many followers you have, no one cares if your feed is a rainbow of mismatched pictures, and no one cares if you take multiple fire selfies. In fact, you should take a ton of fire selfies because you’re hot as hell. My one actual tip is to stay aware of what you post. If you wouldn’t want your current or future employers to see it, don’t post it. Otherwise, just live your Insta-Savvy, drama free life and take whatever pictures you want because you’re a fierce, independent lady who doesn’t need people telling her what to do.
LOOK HOW HAPPY SHE IS ON HER SKATES. GOOD!
Follow HerCampusatUVA on ALL social media at @hercampusatuva !!!
(thumbnail photo courtesy of wikipedia.org)