I’m terrified of falling in love.
Being a college woman in the 21st century, I think it’s safe to say this is pretty common. We tell ourselves that A’s come before baes’, and degrees before dates. Well…of course that’s our logic! It’s the 21st century, and it is perfectly sound and reasonable to society… but it wasn’t always this way.
Growing up, my mother, aunts, grandmother, and great grandmother each told me to not settle; they told me to prioritize my ambitions before becoming a wife and mother. They emphasized that they regretted getting pregnant too fast, or not attending law school. They said they wished they had dated more before marrying – some of them felt they had rushed into it because society had pressured them to do so because getting married and reproducing was a woman’s main duty, and it came before everything…even her basic need to pursue her own ambitions. Women were taught to forget themselves and prioritize men and their needs; women were forced into an identity crisis that spanned centuries upon centuries.
As a result of this advice, I told myself that I would not settle down or get married until I was at least in my mid-twenties, and that I would experience several relationships before settling down. I appreciated the perfectly valid advice women in my life gave me, and, as a result, I decided – and decide – my future as an independent woman. I don’t believe that I need a significant other to help me define my identity, and I won’t see myself as an undesirable old maid if I’m not hitched by 22. I find happiness in my studies, and validation through accomplishing my goals.
This lifestyle doesn’t seem outlandish at all, in fact, society has turned the tables so that women are now encouraged to pursue their career goals over relationship goals. In other words, playing the field is widely accepted in lieu of marriage and commitment. It’s easy to go on a lunch date for Indian food every once in a while, or flirt with a tall, dark, and handsome guy at a frat party. Playing the field is great because it means zero commitment, which translates to a zero-percent risk of falling in love. It’s safe, it’s foolproof, and it keeps women from producing offspring while still studying physics.
But…there’s a major problem with all this, right? The fact is we’re human. We’re not made of stone, and we can only go on so many first dates before we feel a connection with someone. It’s easy, as strong-willed women, to convince ourselves that we don’t feel something. We plague ourselves with doubts, we think of our female heritage, and we hesitate when we begin to get to close to someone else. We’re terrified of finding our soul mate because we know we won’t be ready for them until we accomplish x, y, and z.
We get so caught up with our future that we sometimes neglect to see what’s presently in front of us. We convince ourselves that we’re not in love because that saves us from the unknown territory of relationships that last for forever. We’re terrified of potential regrets of tying ourselves down, and so we bar ourselves from our own feelings.
Look, there’s nothing wrong in being determined with goals and the future, but imagine if one day after you’ve accomplished everything, you realize that you’ve accomplished nothing that actually matters? On our deathbeds, I doubt we’ll be saying, “I wish I had double-majored” or “I wish I would’ve gone into the medical field.” We will instead be saying, “I wish I had loved longer, and realized what was important.”
It seems simple, but it’s really not. Believe me, I know. But because I’ve let several incredible people slip through my fingers in the name of creating my ideal future, I think I’ve learned my lesson. It’s okay to fall in love, to be vulnerable, and it’s even okay to marry before 25. Take the advice of women before you, but also know that love is very hard to come by. If you feel it, don’t deny it regardless of what society may say.
Yes, love is terrifying because we have to relinquish some control of our own lives, but in a world full of hate…love is what matters the most.