You know who you are, even though you pretend you don’t. You were so great at keeping up the façade of being the “nice guy”, and I fell for it.
You used to make me feel gorgeous. You’d compliment me, flirt with me, and I felt safe and happy around you. You said that our relationship was something you never wanted to let go of, and for the first time I felt like I had a guy who actually “got” me. I never would have expected that you would be the one to try and break me.
Viewing this all retrospectively, I realize how stupid I was. I would text you and you’d rarely text back. You’d have a bad day and I would walk on eggshells around you because I never knew when you’d explode or enter your “silent mode.” I tried to be supportive and kind, but you acted like I was beneath you. One day you were sweet to me, and the next you acted like you didn’t know me.
Instead of paying attention to only me, you started flirting, hanging in bed with, and playing other girls. We weren’t “official” at the time, so I knew I shouldn’t take it so seriously…but I did. And when I flirted with other guys, or other guys flirted with me, you punished me for it. You tried to make me feel like I was cheating. You ignored me, wouldn’t text, and I felt so confused and alone.
I barely contained my tears while I was with you, then once I hit my car I would cry for hours.
I thought that the reason why you started ignoring me and barely acknowledging my existence was because there was something wrong with me. I began to ask myself if I was entertaining enough, pretty enough, and skinny enough, because there was no possible way something could be wrong with you.
I went on cleanses, limited my calories, cut out carbs, sugars, and forced myself to do late night workouts all in hopes of shedding a few pounds just to gain your attention again.
Then you found a new girl. I started comparing her body size, her appearance, her accomplishments, and everything else to mine. Demeaning her was the best solution to the hurt I was feeling because, of course, I couldn’t blame you for paying her that attention; I turned against another girl I didn’t even know because of you.
I don’t even miss you, and I never thought I’d get to that point, but I have. I honestly don’t miss you at all. Living without you and your mind games has shown me just how valuable I am. I am beautiful, I am strong, and since I’ve left you behind, I’ve accomplished things and met people I never thought I would.
With you, I started to become someone I didn’t recognize, and I still can’t believe I almost lost myself to you. But despite everything, I wish you the best and hope that one day you’ll wake up and realize that you’re not god’s gift. But I am forever grateful to you because you helped me to realize that I deserve so much better, that I am lovable, that I am strong, and that I deserve a man who recognizes that.