Finding someone special is a goal we’ve all wanted at some point in our lives. How could we not? With relationships being so prioritized in the media and our social lives, it’s not surprising that we would want something that so many others rave about.
Many times, I’ve found myself in situations with someone who I’ve thought I was at the brink of forming something worth mentioning. All the feelings and actions were there, but I just didn’t have the one thing that made it official: a title.
Being both impatient and inquisitive, I often inquired to the man I’ve given my affections to why we haven’t progressed to the next level, and so often have I been hit with vague, open-ended replies. Some of my favorites are, “I want to focus on my career right now”; “I want to see where this goes”; and the classic, “We’re just chilling.” All of these responses completely evade my original question and raise a new question, “How didn’t I see this coming?”
From my own personal experiences, I’ve comprised a list of three reasons why my “situation-ships” never progressed to relationships.
1. I Gave Too Much: I like to think of myself as a loyal person. I take pride in my commitments and enjoy knowing that I’m doing right by my significant other, even when he isn’t present. In hopes of achieving “relationship” status, I make it clear to him that he has my commitment—at least, commitment that he would receive if we were in a relationship. At this point, he knows I’m invested in the relationship, and that he has my undivided attention—which wouldn’t be easily given to another person, as long as I continued to feel such strong affections towards him.
I also regard myself as a very considerate person who shies away from actions that I know will make my significant other angry. Instead, I indulge in activities I know will make him happy. Being a considerate person, I began taking on other responsibilities: assuming the “girlfriend” role, such as cleaning up behind him and providing for him in areas where he could easily provide for himself. Perhaps this was all an attempt to convince him I was worthy of his time and desire.
2. I Didn’t Demand Anything Back from Him: Once I performed tasks and roles for him that he could have easily done for himself, I often saw a drastic decline in the appreciation he had for me. It wasn’t so much that I was seeking to be repaid for the tasks I did for him, but it was that they began to seem less as favors and more of things he expected from me. I knew there was something missing in the way that I wanted him to think of me, but I persisted in this “situation-ship” because I still desired his presence and wanted him to desire mine.
I realized that equal efforts weren’t being put forth in the formation of our relationship, but I persisted because I still felt that I was so close to achieving what I had worked so hard for.
3. I Was Settling for Less: Although it took me longer than I’d like to admit, I was okay with not being where I wanted to be with him. I began making excuses for him, and for myself, of why things had not accelerated at the rate I desired them to. I began to rationalize with myself, mostly because of where my life had gone once meeting him.
I had become a part of his world: I thought his friends were my friends and I was scared of what my life would be if he wasn’t part of it. Even though all my friends told me he was no good, I was scared to admit that they were right. I began settling for less because I thought my life was better without hearing “I told you so.” I feared that my friends would laugh at me because of all the effort I put into him, just to have it all be a waste of time—exactly as they had predicted it to be. I felt I would lose them, too, due to my own inability to be in their presence because of irrational fears that they would joke about my situation.
This caused me to submit to more of his tendencies that I didn’t approve of. I became more determined to try and change his thoughts and actions so he could be the man I wanted him to be, ultimately so I could show him off to my friends. My final straw was when he began to do things I couldn’t accept, and my efforts to convince him against his ways turned into arguments of why they were a problem.
Based on these three reasons, I was able to realize that he would never ask me to be his. I had already given him everything he could possibly want from a relationship, and there was still nothing. There was no reason for him to desire anything more for us because even without a title, I had already given him everything he could possibly want.
I realized that I paid too much attention to the possibilities of what could and would happen if I did not have him in my life, which never actually came true. Once I ended everything, my friends rejoiced. They were so happy to see that I wasn’t stressed over his actions anymore and they were so happy that they had more time to spend with me. I began spending more time with my friends and more time around positive energy, which helped to stop me from texting him and made me more confident in knowing my worth.