I don’t remember what week this is.
WE ARE IN BALI, FOLKS. I am absolutely living vicariously through them. In Kentucky, we have been experiencing subzero temperatures and it’s really freaking terrible.
There are three girls remaining: Kaitlyn from Kanada, Whitney with the Disney Princess voice, and Becca who looks like a tan Carrie Underwood and my cousin, Jami.
First date is…. KAITLYN FROM KANADA. We like her. She has tattoos on the back of her arms and a nose ring. She gets me. I get her. We are pretty much friends after we’ve been on this long journey together. Chris and Kaitlyn walk around the streets of Bali and talk to the locals. This is classic Bachelor stuff. Chris literally hugs every stranger he talks to. I could not be on this date because hugging strangers, or anyone for that matter, is my worst nightmare. They go into a very spiritual place, and have to wear sarongs and talk to more strangers. As they are walking around again, there are monkeys everywhere. They are adorable with their little eyes and faces. But, at this point, they are pretty much attacking Chris. About 18 of them have jumped on his back. He even got peed on and laughed about it. Either he is a really good sport or I am just a huge whiner. Probably the latter.
Next, is the infamous “Last Supper” as I like to call it, even though they never eat any of the food on the date. The Last Supper is the time where they get the Fantasy Suite Card and someone usually says, “I am falling in love with you.” This will happen on every date, I am sure of that. Kaitlyn and Chris are currently talking about this. I want to pay attention, but they are both sweating profusely. Chris needs to wear darker shirts. I can’t stop staring at his pit sweat. Meanwhile, Chris has gotten the Fantasy Suite card out and Kaitlyn awkwardly reads it. I hate when they read it. We already know what it says. We already know Kaitlyn will accept. Can we just see the luxury you get to stay in all night already? My life is on hold while they pretend to “think” about if they are going to stay together. They obviously decide to spend the night together. There is a bathtub filled with roses and candles on the ledge. I thought about my hair burning in that fire. Not surprisingly, Kaitlyn tells Chris she is “falling in love.” Date over.
Whitney gets the next date. She and Chris get to spend the whole day on a yacht-looking boat thing, and I feel like Kaitlyn really got jipped. She had to walk around and sweat all day. Whitney and Chris have a fruit picnic on the boat. Where are the carbs? They talk about faith, hope and love (not really). I have no idea what they talked about, because I muted my TV. Whitney’s voice was completely unbearable. They jump in the water and swim for like four seconds until they get back on the boat and makeout the rest of the time. When in Bali… makeout (or hug the locals).
The Last Supper got pretty serious. Chris is scared Whitney won’t want to leave her job as a fertility nurse in Chicago to move to Arlington, Iowa. Whitney assures him that she will, because she just “wants to have babies.” Chris gets a big ol’ Iowan smile on his face, because that’s exactly what he wanted to hear. Whitney always tells Chris she is falling in love with him, so she says it a few more times, just to be sure. She reads the Fantasy Suite card and says she has thought a lot about this. Okay, Whit. You’re going. Don’t act like this is going to be suspenseful. They go to the Fantasy Suite. Whitney says she is falling in love again. Date ends. Oh and #BBN.
Becca gets the last Bali date of the week. Recap: Becca is a virgin, so stay tuned, because we could get a new Fantasy Suite answer. Becca shows up to her date with Chris standing in a garden. They say they miss each other and they kiss in the garden for a while. Do their ankles not itch? Becca and Chris also mingle with the locals. There are lots of kids around. Whitney is home watching this and getting seriously jealous that she didn’t get to hang with the kiddos. They talk to someone who is apparently a medium. He says that Becca and Chris should make love tonight. Awk. Becca is hysterically laughing and Chris is, too. And, so am I, because Chris has no idea why Becca is laughing so hard. He just keeps on laughing. They go to a creek looking-body of water next and makeout.
This Last Supper is going to be great. Becca will tell Chris she is a virgin. She is nervous there will be a Fantasy Suite card. Obviously, Becca. Act like you have seen the show before. Ugh. Becca is really pretty. She is sweating so much and she’s still pretty. Just wanted to say that. Chris is sweating bullets, you guys. I mean I know I’ve said he sweats a lot before, but he just took it to a level not even on the sweating charts. Becca says she is falling in love. They makeout. Clearly. Chris slides the Fantasy Suite card to her. DRUM ROLL PLEASE. They go to the Fantasy Suite. She hasn’t told him yet. I think she wanted some alcohol. And, then… she says “I am a virgin.” Chris NOTICEABLY sighs. And, is completely speechless for one TV minute; I counted. Then, he said he respects her for her decision because it says a lot about who she is. Becca was thrilled with his response, because she’s completely falling in love (obvi), and then says she’s “all in.” Kind of cryptic. You do the math.
Chris wakes up with a lot of anxiety. I don’t know what he thought he was going to wake up with. He is crying and it’s adorable. A boy crying is what’s up. Chris spends a lot of time sitting and thinking by numerous bodies of water. Chris squared (Prince Farming and Chris Harrison) have a chat about the girls. Chris (not Harrison) is very confused about Becca. He wants clarity. So do we, Chris. So. Do. We.
Rose Ceremony time. Everyone is looking so tan. Summer is never coming back in Kentucky. Anyway, Chris arrives and says he needs to chat with Becca. OH, GOSH. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is saying how she thinks Chris is sending Becca home. That gets awkward fast because Chris and Becca come back holding hands. Alright, the Rose Ceremony is underway, again. First rose goes to… Whitney. Second rose goes to… Becca.
KAITLYN FOR NEXT BACHELORETTE, PLEASE.
You guys know I have been saying all along I think Becca will win. But, after the dates this week, I am 99 percen sure Whitney will win. Sorry to Becca who looks like a tan Carrie Underwood and my cousin, Jami.
xoxo
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