Let’s just start this article off by saying that, in no way am I the authority of what is considered “fashionable.” That being said, I think it’s safe to say that I speak for the majority of dudes out there by saying that the trends in women’s clothing have gotten more and more insane over the years. Not to say that it hasn’t always been ridiculous (remember jean skirts?), but, in recent months, women’s clothing has exhibited an upswing in irregularity that can’t be ignored.
Also, considering that we live in Isla Vista, there are certain fashion trends that are not acceptable due to pure functionality. Now, you’re probably thinking, “Like, whatever! I don’t dress for stupid boys.” We understand that, and we also understand that you could probably dress us better than we can dress ourselves, but being Bros means we are also entitled to our Bropinions.
Let’s take a look at a few dos and don’ts of Isla Vista trends:
Fashion Don’ts
(At this point, I think it’s pretty necessary to point out that at the center of the bro-no list sits one fashion mogul–Brandy f—ing Melville. This chick and her entire clothing brand are the root of all evil.)
#5. Heels
Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing better than a good pair of heels on a girl. But, in I.V.? Unless you’re going downtown, on a date, or going to a party that’s literally themed “what not to wear when you go out at night,” heels are a bad choice. When parading up and down DP on a Friday night, heels don’t make you look sexy. Rather, they make you look slightly hooker-ish and they scream, “I don’t live here!”
#4 High-waisted skirts with a crop top
I have a personal vendetta with the 2 inches of skin that show in between the high-waisted skirt and crop top look. It’s the worst. Please cover that up. There is nothing attractive about that area of the body, it’s like a black hole of rib and skin. I’m all for skirts, they’re actually pretty sweet. But please stop with the ridiculous combination.
#3 Ankle boots
I don’t think bros despise these things just because they look stupid–the reason they suck is because they’re frightfully unsafe looking and serve zero purpose. If you’re gonna wear a boot, make sure it at least goes past the top part of your anklle. Honestly, I feel the need to follow every girl who wears these things, waiting with a first aid kit in case she takes a bad step and her wobbly ankle breaks from these ridiculous shoes.
#2 Muscle tees
I don’t specifically know what to call these…but these are those tank tops that show a girl’s entire side. Not that this look is that bad–it’s actually kinda nice, but the graphics on the shirts are always something stupid. They say things like “Bad Girl,” or have a trendy pair of lips blowing out smoke…or something else stupid in an attempt to be artsy and unique (except it does just the opposite).
#1 High-waisted shorts
Where to begin….here are some phrases that you will never hear out of a bro’s mouth: “Nice high-waisted shorts!” or “I really wish I saw another girl wearing high-waisted shorts!” or “Those high-waisted shorts are really flattering!” Don’t wear them. Please. Every bro gets to ask one favor of woman-kind in his life, and this is it. Please, stop. We can’t handle the awkward butt-line these shorts provide any longer. Wedgies are not attractive. Fashion is not worth having a perma-wedgie all time.
Fashion Do’s
There is really only one “do” in a bropinion regarding women’s fashion–Lululemon. Lulus are God’s gift to mankind. MANkind. Forget how comfortable they are to wear, these things are made for dudes to look at. The yoga pant is the single greatest invention of all time, and no one does it better than Lululemon.
Other than Lululemon, my fashion advice is extremely poor. To be honest, guys don’t know what the hell girls should be wearing (if we dhad any say in the matter, you girls would be in bikinis all of the time), we just know what annoys us. But even then, we’re probably wrong. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t take this bropinion too seriously.
This has been a bro’s opinion on lady fashion.
xo Weston Nielsen