There are certain experiences that are hard to articulate in words, with the fear that the majority of people reading will misunderstand. Beyond a doubt, this is one of those scenarios, but the words I fail to express are worth nothing.
I was that child. The girl who did everything imaginable, far from the extent of stardom but far past proficiency.
I played the piano, learned the violin, sang in choirs at school and out of school, ice-skated, danced lyrical and ballet.
I ran cross country, led a club, was in key club and the national honor society, volunteered at the American Cancer Society and an organization for autistic children, went to service trips abroad in Panama and Ghana to serve communities in need, held a position as worship team member and a small group leader at church.
The list goes on. Truth be told, a lot of us were that child–the one striving for perfection and the one with opportunities through the means of our parents. I was blessed and am blessed to have all the opportunities I did growing up and I will be forever grateful. Yet with all that striving, I never understood the feeling of being enough. I had the mentality of being always ready to handle more and as a result, I spent every waking moment doing what would “get me where I wanted to be”.
Through the years, people have always asked me if I “had a life” and, bluntly put, no. My relationships stemmed from my endeavors and my basic needs for social interactions were fulfilled in those activities.
College, however, is when I first started having the mindset that this was my life and my opportunity to take on all that I believed would make me fulfilled or happy. As I dipped my toes into several of my formerly refined passions, what I thought would be my best selling points as “Melody” were no longer my greatest strengths. After having spent my whole life identifying myself as a singer, I made it into the final rounds of a two a capella groups to be cut from both.
So I spent my time discovering other enjoyments- writing for Her Campus, joining sorority life, singing in the woman’s chorale, helping out at the student food collective, getting more involved into the gym-goer lifestyle. But that couldn’t be enough, was it?
The eagerness inside of my soul kept reminding me, no, that’s not enough. You’re not enough. Do more, achieve more. You’re capable, you’re wasting your potential. Dream, reach, dream higher.
So I expanded my potential and the rest of my time I reached for all the opportunities I could, beyond the activities I pursued out of enjoyment. As of now, I’ve spent my time working at two labs, volunteering for a music tutoring organization, working a side job at a little boutique, helping out at the hospital, forming my own club for raising funds for paraplegia research, writing an e-book, going abroad to shadow surgeons, a summer interning under an amazing surgeon, and working at a pharmaceutical.
I love the grind- waking up early at 6:30 am to gym, asking myself what my goals are for the day, scheduling my day top to bottom, working through the day task by task, studying as little as six hours a day, sleeping between 1:00-2:00am but fulfilled because I had the most productive day by pushing myself to my max capacity in growth
How could I not be happy?
[Dreams] x [Hard Work] = [Happiness]
Or so I thought.
This past month, I experienced what can only be described as purely unexpected unhappiness because although I was meeting my goals, dreaming bigger than ever, feeling as if my life was heading in the direction I had always imagined it to go, I was unhappy. The truth is that I have been trying to be Wonder Woman for twenty years of my life and I have finally come to the realization that I am not invincible.
I am human.
I need more than 5 hours of a sleep a day.
I need to blossom the relationships in my life. I need time with my irreplaceable family.
I need to know that my worth isn’t tied to my accomplishments, that I don’t need to be on the grind 18 hours/24 a day.
I need to invest in self-love.
I am enough and so are you. We are so used to believing that in order to be someone with immense value, we have to be doing everything not even humanly possible to achieve expansive milestones in becoming an asset to the world and to those around us.
Hear me out. You are not meant to be perfection. The best version of yourself, the best version of myself, the best version of him or anyone, is not meant to be perfection. Please stop striving for perfection as I guarantee that the only feeling you will ever develop is inadequacy, the idea that you should be consistently doing more, and never being “good enough”.
As you keep going forward, remember to take a few moments to look back and appreciate how far you’ve come <3 Strive to be amazing and to consistently climb towards the peak of your potential but remember that our best selves should not equate to an unrealistic standard of perfection.