Disclaimer: This is a satirical response to Total Frat Move’s article “50 Ways to Be The Perfect College Girlfriend.”
Because 10 days is too long, Kate Hudson.
This may seem like a counterintuitive article for dating advice. But before you click away, I would like to protest that this “how to” might help some of you not feel alone with your frustrations about the seemingly impossible standards of the “perfect girlfriend.”
Less than a year ago, the website “Total Frat Move” posted an article describing a list of idealistic qualities a “perfect college girlfriend” would live up to. Predictably, many women were outraged. As if this list wasn’t ridiculous enough, the contributors were far from being the next Ryan Gosling. So following many other responses by my peers, here is a little satirical insight on how to lose a college guy based on Total Frat Move’s expectations.
1. Be bad a beer pong.
Ugh, come on girl—you can’t be on his team and then lose. It’s super unattractive and totally supports the belief that women are athletically inferior!
2. Be too good at beer pong.
Seriously? It’s terrible that you feel the need to belittle him in from of his friends. This suggests that you might be too dominant for him, or worse, you might try to have a relationship as equals. Ew.
3. Be too skinny.
This speaks for itself, honestly. Just think back to your middle school days, where the boys on the bus laughed at your lack of boobs.
4. Be too fat.
Please only have fat in your butt or boobs, ladies. That’s obviously humanly possible. And please disregard his dad bod.
5. Be too clingy.
If you are texting them every week, then you look way too desperate. Guys are so busy playing video games, trolling Hillary Clinton online, and drinking Natty Light to keep up with once-a-week communication.
6. Be too distant.
You’ll be called the B-word. But whatever, you were ugly anyways.
7. Keep your options open.
Why would you ever need another guy when you have all the 3 a.m. booty calls that you could ever need from him?
8. Keep your options closed.
Do you want a relationship or something? That is more terrifying to most men than an apocalypse. Maybe wait till you’re 30 and his mom needs him out of the house.
9. Be a virgin.
You might fall in love with him after a night on his beer-stained sheets. Too risky.
10. Don’t be a virgin.
Guys hate competition. Your only way out is to make a list of all the guys you’ve slept with to dispute his insecurity that his member might be the smallest you’ve ever seen.
The truth is, the dating world is hard. And as long as the misogynistic double standards for women remain socially acceptable, it will stay that way. Although it is easy to be frustrated, remember that you are not defined by the list of eligible suitors in your recent texts. Real, unconditional love is worth the wait.