As you peruse this morning’s paper, you come across an ad for a beautiful, isolated country home being sold at an unbelievably low price. SCORE! It boasts an amazing floor plan, five bedrooms and 3.5 baths. And let’s not forget the two gorgeous fireplaces! Do you attend the open house?
NO!
You are done. You have safely avoided any peril awaiting you, but you’ll forever be a basic family and not the proud owner of a totally haunted house.
YES!
Pack up your picturesque, suburban family into the minivan and go take a look!
As you drive up the road, you notice that there isn’t a line for the open house. Lucky you! Quickly approaching, however, your cell phone connection begins to fade in and out. Don’t worry, it’s probably just the spotty service from your overpriced cellular plan.
Upon reaching the porch (which is a wrap around!) your dog, Fluffy, refuses to enter and barks profusely. He pulls loose and runs into the forest. Giving up on calling after him, you decide to finally enter the gorgeous three-story home. Fortunately, things start to look up, for the door is opened by an unseen force. What excellent service! Do you go in?
NO!
Well, it looks like you made the long drive to the middle of nowhere for nothing. Now, go find your dog.
YES!
It’s evident that you haven’t learned a thing from scary movies, but at least you’re one step closer to death . . . I mean buying an affordable house in this crumbling economy.
You enter the home and are in complete awe of the layout. The pictures simply did not capture its magnificence! But, as you and your family walk toward the kitchen (is that marble countertop?) your eyes scan over a few bloodstains on the wall. Oh, well . . . it’s nothing a good paint job can’t fix.
Before climbing the stairs to the next level, you hear strange laughter coming from the cellar door. How nice! It’s probably just the neighbor kids, which means your little Sally and Jack will finally have friends. Do you continue with the tour?
NO!
Gather up the family and run . . . no, SPRINT back to the car. I suppose you will live to see another day, but the basement “occupant” won’t forget about you anytime soon.
YES!
Well, kiss your sweet kids goodbye . . . they’ve been pretty much marked for future demon possession. But, YOLO! Go on upstairs. I’m sure it only gets better from here.
While on the third floor, you finally get the chance to see the enormous master bathroom, complete with the COOLEST shower you have ever seen. Yet, as you begin to open the cabinet to snoop through the owner’s medicine, you notice a mysterious figure flick across the mirror. But, when you slam it shut, all you see is your reflection. What a relief!
In the distance, you can hear your kids playing in one of the bedrooms (which would actually make an amazing play room!) As you enter, Sally tells you that the creepy a** doll in the corner said this house would be a FABULOUS place for your family. Really . . . who can argue with that logic? Do you go outside to see the backyard?
NO!
Unfortunately, you have stayed far too long and now little Sally has become possessed by the Devil. But, the rest of your family is safe . . . for now.
YES!
Damn, girl. Well, at least as you head outside you see that Fluffy has returned. YAY! In your excitement, however, you overlook the bone that he’s carrying in his mouth . . . which looks mysteriously like a human arm.
As you take in the breathtaking sight that could all be yours (the fog from the forest really does add a nice touch) you notice a cemetery next door. A great yard and a playground for the kids? SOLD! Yet, the fog must be playing tricks on your eyes, for you could have sworn you saw a red balloon in the distance.
The real estate agent finally comes out to meet your family (like, seriously . . . where was he?) Despite the tardiness, it’s still impolite to point out his decaying flesh, so you simply smile as he tells you the history of the home. Apparently, the last owner died after taking his own life (and all those who occupied the house). But, no worries . . . the bodies were never found. Do you purchase this home?
NO!
As you drive away empty-handed (but with a very possessed daughter) you see an ominous shape waving goodbye from the upstairs window. You may not have bought the house, but you certainly haven’t escaped its grasp.
YES!
The clouds darken above and lightning strikes in the distance. The real estate agent hands over the deed, congratulating you on your purchase. But suddenly a pit opens beneath you and swallows your entire family. Good luck in the underworld!
