I—like many other guys, I’m sure—have no idea what the hell we’re doing when it comes to the opposite sex. We’re like astronauts or scientists exploring a new planet, but instead of a degree in physics or biology, we know things like how to reheat leftover pizza and how if we drop our phone in the toilet it probably won’t work anymore. Though it’s kind of tough speaking for half the population, I feel like most guys can agree on these ten things. I’m offering up what I know from my 20 years of experience, and from this I hope it helps you girl types get an idea of how we feel.
1. Remember to listen to us, just as much as you want us to listen to you – Contrary to popular belief guy’s are often times great listeners, and we aren’t always doing it just to get into your yoga pants. With that being said, we appreciate it when a girl is willing to listen to us as well. And sometimes listening to guys takes a bit more work than just hearing what we have to say. It takes a lot of “reading between the lines” with guys. That being said…
2. Shut up and take a breath – We get it. You have problems. We all do. Sometimes though, it’s nice to not always have to hear about them. We’re always here for you if you want to talk, but don’t turn us into your emotional punching bag. And always remember to talk about happy things as well as the bad (Such as
puppies, rainbows, and how awesome and good looking you think we are).
3. Dreams aren’t as interesting as you think – If there’s one topic that girls seem to have a great fascination about it’s their dreams. And it makes sense. The regular female hormone cycle often causes women to have much more vivid and wild dreams. Though you may think that your boyfriend wants to hear about your adventures surfing with Abe Lincoln in your dream, he may not be as interested as you are. There’s a quote from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia that sums it up pretty effectively. “I hate listening to people’s dreams. It’s like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I’m not in any of them and no one’s naked, I just don’t care.”
4. NEVER call it “small” – You know what I mean. I know this may seem like it goes without saying but it is important to stress that guys are sensitive and a lot of us have a ridiculous amounts of insecurities. One of these insecurities concerns the size of our certain…you-know-what (Hint: it’s our penis). Though I am sure you would never do this, try to avoid the following words and phrases when handling a guy’s package: small, tiny, bite sized, “is it in yet?”, “let me get my glasses”, laughter, microscopic, sad, gross, etc.
5. Your period is not a get-out-of-jail-free card – Guys know that once a month, for a week you turn into a crazy emotional beast who is both angrier and hornier than she ever will be during the rest of the month. That being said, you’re still accountable for your words and actions done during this period (zing!). The excuse “I was on my period!” is one of the most annoying and over used excuse I’ve ever experienced, and should be abolished.
6. Text back and text back well – That’s pretty much it. There’s nothing more annoying than texting a girl and getting one or two word responses like “yeah lol” or “k”. The last one wasn’t even a fully formed word. Adding an emoticon like a smiley face or a winky can also go a long way. Personally, nothing makes me happier than receiving a full message followed by a smiley face.
7.Don’t be a selfish lover – If a guy has a good enough heart to please you, why not return the favor? If youare one of the girls out there who is decent enough to return the favor , bless your sexy sexy giving sexy heart. It’s common courtesy and prevents a lot of blue balls. Also, on the topic of sex…
8. Handjobs suck – I’ve never received a good hand job. Wait—no scratch that. I’ve received thousands of good hand jobs. But they were all done by my right hand with no help from anybody. Girls have no idea what the they are doing down there Honestly, just stop and skip to something else. We don’t need you making a mockery of something we all mastered when we were twelve, just saying.
9. Don’t talk about your ex – Don’t talk about your ex. Just do not do it. Oh, he played guitar too? He volunteers at the orphanage while fighting fires on the side? I don’t care. I really don’t. I get it, he was a big part of your life. But I’m here now, and I’m not him. Like I said, guys are insecure, and by doing this you’re only causing us to compare ourselves to this other guy thereby affirming these insecurities.
10. When cuddling, tell us when you’re uncomfortable! We probably are too. – There have been too many instances where couples are cuddling and they’re both very uncomfortable although no one will say anything about it because they think the other person is comfortable. THEY’RE NOT! AND MY ARM FEELS LIKE IT’S ABOUT TO FALL OFF.
Honestly, we could fill a book with the kind of things we wish girls knew and I’m sure girls could do the same thing. We both make mistakes because we’re really different. The best we can hope for is to have just a simple understanding of what we want from each other. And often times it’s just as simple as looking at it from the other’s point of view.