“Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” –Thich Nhat Hanh
I decided to approach a topic that I feel all too familiar with. Recently, I went home to Tulsa for fall break and found out some information I wasn’t too pleased with. Several weeks ago, I broke up with my on-and-off again “boyfriend” of two years. It was a difficult decision to make, but I felt as though I needed to end an all-consuming, rather unhealthy relationship. I had a lot of anxiety about going home; I wasn’t quite sure how I would feel being back in the same town he lived in. There were too many memories, too many places we had gone together, and too many feelings there. I dreaded going to my favorite places, remembering that I would be reminded of all the time we spent together and all the time I invested in the relationship.
That Friday night, everything was actually fine. I barely thought of him and spent the whole night with family and my best friend. A bright future loomed ahead and I truly believed that getting over the relationship that caused me so much stress and anxiety was attainable. Of course I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I needed to take care of myself. I felt like the whole relationship was one-sided and I was trying too hard and getting nothing in return. That Friday night I felt empowered. I felt happy. I felt like everything was mine.
The next afternoon, my cousin asked me to go to get food with her. We sat in the drive-thru of a Church’s Chicken when she asked me if I knew my ex had dated this girl that was now just a senior.
I was shocked. My stomach dropped and I lost my appetite. We had been together on and off for those two years and he led me to believe there was no one else, even when we were on one of our many “breaks”. After much prodding and begging her to ask the girl what had happened, the girl had confirmed she had dated him from December to August of this year. On top of that, he had cheated on her with girl in a grade above her. Suddenly, my whole world crumbled. I felt a mixture of emotions, from immediate rage to a creeping sadness that stayed with me. How could someone I love cheat on me? Moreover, how could someone say they love me and then date other people?
I felt so foolish, but everything began to fall together even as it felt like it was falling apart. His behavior for the past year began to make sense. The missed phone calls, all of the unreturned text messages, it pieced itself together. I wish I had seen the constantly broken plans as something to question. I wish I had demanded more answers. I wish I had gotten more worried when he would get angry if I posted anything on twitter about us; I wish I would have seen the fact he never wanted to make things official as something to question. The whole time he assured me it was only because he didn’t feel the title was necessary.
I couldn’t help but think about all the times he repeatedly looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me, and I couldn’t help but think that all the times he bailed on our plans were because he was hooking up with someone else. It felt incredibly unfair and still does.
Although the pain is still in my heart and my anxiety has reached new highs, I have learned one thing after these few days of finding out I gave my heart to someone who blatantly treated it like it wasn’t worth anything: I have learned that I never deserved that sort of behavior. I did not deserve to be lied to, to be made a fool, or to have someone I trusted carry on other relationships.
I didn’t deserve for him to tell his “girlfriend” at the time that he didn’t care about me in particular, and I didn’t deserve to have someone treat me like an option when I so deserved to be a priority.
Cheating is a sticky situation. I have had friends who have cheated on their boyfriends only to regret it completely, and I have had friends forgive those who have cheated on them and continue their relationship. That is their business and honestly it’s up to the individual on whether or not they can continue a relationship after cheating occurs. I just know in my heart that I could not continue seeing someone who repeatedly went behind my back and who toyed with my heart.
I did not warrant that sort of behavior. Long-distance relationships do not warrant cheating. You acting like a psycho or having mood-swings because of PMS does not warrant cheating. Gaining extra weight does not warrant cheating. Cheating is cowardly.
What’s so hard about this sort of situation is that you want answers. You want to know why he could have done such a thing to you. Honestly I want answers, but I know that I won’t get them. I have to accept the fact that no matter what he could tell me, he still cheated and that was not okay. There is absolutely no point in wasting my precious time and energy in searching for answers from someone who never gave me the truth from the beginning.
Before you start acting irrational after finding out you’ve been cheated on, take a deep breath. If you are truly done with the relationship, don’t text him asking for answers. Do you really want to know why he slept with someone else? Will it really make you feel better if he tells you why he didn’t have a shred of respect for you? He did it, didn’t he? You can’t change his actions but you can change how you act in return.
I know it’s hard, and trust me it’s not fair, but you can control how you act toward the person that cheated on you. You can make the decision to be classy and not to send him angry text-messages and vicious voicemails. You can make the decision to not slash his tires and leave his clothes on fire in his front lawn. Even though it sounds appealing, it wouldn’t do any good. It would honestly just show him that he has control over your feelings. Say deuces and move on; you deserve it.
Take time to appreciate things about yourself. Take up a hobby. Exercise. Show yourself that you don’t need anyone who didn’t go completely out of their way to show you that you’re fabulous. Don’t dwell on negative feelings. Go boldly in the direction of what you want. Date around, meet new people. The more time you spend on yourself and not worrying about what that jerk is doing, the more time you live a happier life. Why spend your time on someone who can’t benefit you? You are worth more than someone lying to you, because trust me, there will be plenty of people who would wait in line just to get a date with you.
Think about what this situation can give to you. It can breed a new perspective. It can show you the warning signs of a cheater. The biggest blessing of all of this is now I know how I want to be treated. I know I deserve to have someone take me out on dates. I deserve a returned phone call or text message in a timely manner and I deserve someone to want to make me their girlfriend. I honestly don’t know why I settled for someone that seemed so unattainable.
Through all of this, I know I can emerge as a winner. In the words of Katy Perry I can “go from zero to my own hero”. That’s totally true. I don’t have to waste my time with anyone who doesn’t need me. And at the end of the day, through this totally messed up and unfair situation, I know that at least I tried. I trusted someone, and that’s more than most people. At least I decided to make the conscious effort to move forward with my life, and that the only person I really need is myself. I am awesome and if this means feeling uncomfortable and sad for a while, so be it. I have an awesome future ahead of me, full of love and happiness, joy and lots of laughs. I don’t need to be defined by anyone else and neither do you.
But sometimes it’s hard to make those promises to yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling weak for a while. There’s also nothing wrong with seeking a counselor or a friend to talk to. But something that really has helped me understand my worth would be when I wrote myself my own love letter. It sounds totally corny, but I wrote down everything I loved about myself, everything I admired and appreciated about my personality. It put a lot of things into perspective. Sometimes you have be the love of your life. You are whole on your own, and no one can complete you, only make you better. Just realize that for now, you’re going to get through this, even if it seems hard. The biggest healer is time, which can be tough to swallow. But in the end you’re the only one who can make yourself happy.
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” –Oscar Wilde
Photo Source: www.mtv.tv