Part 1: December 9^th– January 25^th 2016

The beginning of our relationship was unreal. We first met on October 3^rd, when we both chose to volunteer at an animal shelter with our accounting professional organization. Although we didn’t talk that day, we both noticed each other, and it took us until the second volunteer event to finally talk. We made jokes and talked for a majority of the time, and found out we were in the same accounting class. I knew instantly he was something special.

That week, I followed him on social media and we started talking through that. We then quickly exchanged numbers and texted every day. We couldn’t go a day without talking, and I was the happiest I had ever been.

A few weeks went by and he asked me to be his date to his fraternity’s date party. The second he asked me I was instantly flooded with anxiety. The realness of everything surprised me. I wanted to be with him in theory, but in reality, it terrified me. I avoided these feelings and tried to act as if it didn’t affect me in that way, but knew they would catch up to me.

After going to his date party, I invited him to mine and unfortunately, after I sent the text, I realized that he would be in Florida for a conference for the accounting organization. Instead he came over and we stayed up to almost 3 am watching movies, making jokes, and laughing to the point that my housemates told us to be quiet. He had to leave to catch his flight, and I didn’t want him to go, but then he did the best thing and finally kissed me. I was ecstatic.

He came back to Philadelphia and continued seeing each other and talking as frequently, if not more, than before. Then, my birthday came around and he asked me if I would go out to dinner with him for my birthday. I agreed and after trying on many outfits, we went and he asked me to be his girlfriend on December 9^th. The next day I wrote in my journal,

“Yesterday [he] asked me to be his girlfriend and now I am terrified…I am lying to him by being depressed. When I see him, I want to be happy but I am just not capable of enjoying even the smallest things” (December 10, 2015).

We finished exams and went back to our home states. Nothing eventful happened during break but we would facetime and text each other often. We returned for New Years and I met his home friends and celebrated. During this time, I became to not enjoy many things anymore. It was in no way about him, but I just wasn’t happy.

“[He] and I have been together for a month. He is amazing, but I have so much anxiety about myself and my life that I can’t enjoy my relationship, at all…I am trying to feel better, but it is so hard” (January 14, 2016).

The depression became to increase, and I got to my breaking point. I ended up breaking up with him, out of fear that I was holding him back with my depression. After the breakup, we didn’t talk but we still had classes together and on that Friday I got to my breaking point and had an anxiety attack in class. I took a quiz, which I can’t remember taking, went into the hall, called my best friend Emily, and began sobbing to her. I knew that it was time that I was honest with him.

I texted him for the first time since breaking up with him and asked him to come over. He answered quickly and came over. We talked for a long time and I told him that I’ve been fighting back my feelings of depression and anxiety for years and for the first time in years, everything came pouring in to me and I became so overwhelmed that I needed to take the break. He didn’t understand at first. He wanted me to be able to talk about it with him, but I’m not one to talk about my feelings and tend to deal with things on my own so that I don’t become dependent on others.

We continued acting friendly with each other until February 8^th. On that day, he asked if I wanted to get back together. By this time, I had my anxiety and depression under control, but still wasn’t ready to get back together. I told him that I needed to figure out my issues, and that I still wasn’t in a place to be in a relationship. We stopped talking.

Part 2: February 18^th-19^th 2016

February 18^th was the first time we talked since. I felt as if I made a huge mistake and wanted to give us another chance. He was good to me and respected me. He was worth it. He was worth being with even though I didn’t feel well with myself, or at least that’s what I thought. We got back together and the next day we choose to talk about everything.

“My life is a mess. I am a mess. I thought I wanted to be back together with [him], but I don’t know. I do care about him but he treated me pretty poorly when we broke up and I can’t ignore that” (February 19, 2016)

We both apologized for ignoring each other, but then he told me that he tweeted a video in reference to me. It was directed towards the fact that I have male friends, insinuating that I was a slut. He slut shamed me. The guy who I thought would never hurt me, hurt me in the worst possible way. By the end of our conversation I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to be with him after all, and told him that I wanted to think it over. I felt bad changing my mind, but I felt so betrayed.

I chose to not continue our relationship. When I told him, he became angry with me saying that it was unfair of me to trick him into talking with him and giving him hope. I wanted the hope too, but felt hopeless after he belittled me, so once more we stopped talking, but this time he blocked me on all social media and deleted all pictures of the two of us that he posted. I felt hopeless, sad, and depressed and chose to remove the pictures I posted too.

After we broke up, we didn’t talk for a long time. His friends stopped talking to me in class and the anxiety of seeing him or his friends scared me, so much that I lost the ability to focus in class, but after apologizing again, we started talking again during spring break.

It was always easy to talk to him and it made me feel comfortable, regardless of if we were together or not. However, he was only interested in talking to me when he thought we would get back together.

Part 3: March 27^th– April 27^th 2016

After returning from spring break we decided after talking everything over and apologized for everything we did wrong. We got back together. This time I felt that our relationship was stronger than ever. I felt like my depression and anxiety were under control, for the first time in a long time. This time around, I fell in love with him, I felt safe with him, and knew that we could last.

We asked each other to our formals the day we got back together. I was so happy to have him back in my life, but my roommates would constantly ask, “are you sure that’s what you want?” Unsure of how to respond to that, I said that it was what I wanted, but I seemed to get that question from just about everyone I told.

My depression and anxiety were down increasingly, but my feelings would resurface when we would talk about our time when we were broken up. He would tell me that his parents and friends weren’t very happy with me and that his sister hated me. This made my very self-conscious. I wanted his family to like me, but it sounded as if he only told them bad things about me. My anxiety made me feel as if I wasn’t good enough for him. I was just that crazy girl he was with, that no one would understand why he was with.

After going to each other’s formal, finals began and tension between the two of us only increased. I was very worried about my classes and spent most of my time studying. The week we broke up he asked to hang out, but I had planned on studying. It was one of our dumbest fights, but it ended with him coming over and breaking up with me. I was devastated. All I wanted was some space to focus on studying, and it ended with him breaking up with me. That night I cried and had a friend come over and eat ice cream with me. She told me that I was better off without him. He didn’t like many of my friends, out of jealousy, and he wasn’t secure in the relationship. I knew she was right but I still wanted that little bit of hope. I wanted him to value me and to accept and understand me. I sought out for his approval, so two days after we broke up, he came over and I apologized again. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to be with him.

We turned our breakup into a break, and wanted to see how the summer would go. We didn’t talk every day but we did facetime every Sunday and texted occasionally. During the summer, one day, I went on his snapchat and saw that he posted a couple pictures and videos. One of them had drugs in it so I asked him, “your snapchat?” In the other snapchat he had a picture of a girl I recognized from school. He assumed I was referring to that snap and instantly replied, “What am I not allowed to have friends?” This really confused me, but I let it go. I didn’t want to start a fight and after I corrected him on the snap, he replied, “Oh I thought you meant the girl, I assumed the worst.”

Weeks went by and we started talking about getting back together. The first time we talked about it, it was a surprise and he forced an ultimatum on me: either we get back together or we breakup for good. I was surprised and chose not to get back together, by the end of the conversation he told me, “fine, but never talk to me ever again, I mean it.” I cried the entire night and felt terrible. I wasn’t ready to get back together within one conversation, I was surprised, and you can guess it, but I called the next day apologizing. By apologizing more and more, I realized that I was the only one apologizing. I felt sorry for hurting him, but at the same time, I felt equally as hurt. It wasn’t fair for him to have made me choose what I wanted with no warning, but I accepted it and apologized once again.

I then decided to drive down to Philadelphia to see him, while he was taking summer classes. We spent the weekend together and by the end of it got back together.

Part 4: June 3^rd– July 4^th

This time was a little different, comparably. During the summer, I worked five jobs and wasn’t able to get much time off to visit him, so we didn’t see each other at all. Instead we texted, called and argued. Our biggest argument occurred after I responded, “kk,” to him. He didn’t like when I would use acronyms and told me that. That is just the way I have always talked. There was nothing new about it, but he wanted me to change that. I really didn’t want to argue about it, but the way I talk is a part of who I am and I didn’t want to change that part of me. I have always been a silly and funny person, but after he said that to me I became sad and self-conscious of the way I talked. I started talking more formal and felt embarrassed for talking a way that I always had.

We slowly began to stop texting each other as I asked for just a little space. We went on with our days as we were states away. We made up and he apologized for what he said, but I was exhausted from working and just let the argument go. I didn’t text him the same way after.

Then came the Fourth of July weekend. It was the Thursday before and I was just notified that I was off for the weekend. I was thrilled to not have to work and be able to relax and have nothing to worry about. I was texting him the next day and he asked if I was off for the weekend. I told him that I was and then received texts asking why I wasn’t coming down to see him. At the moment, I didn’t think of the idea to see him, but was confused as to why he was upset. From my point of view, I was thinking I would have to work and by that point it was too last minute to drive so far for the weekend. Of course I wanted to see him, but I was also so busy that I didn’t think of the idea and he never offered to come visit me.

We ended up fighting about it all weekend, and I realized I had enough. I was tired of being scolded by my boyfriend for not driving over 5 hours to see him, when I was working close to 50 hours a week. I felt tired of fighting for someone who didn’t fight for me. On July 4^th I went into Emily’s room crying that I couldn’t do it anymore and I broke up with him for good.

“I can get through this. I understand it will be hard, but I took that risk. I knew there was a chance of feeling hurt, but I risked it and I promise I will never regret risking it with [him]” (August 22, 2016).

After being back to school, and seeing him, it was hard. I have a class with him now and have had constant anxiety attacks. I have lost 15 pounds from stress and am working on rebuilding my self-esteem. This boy is in no way solely responsible for that. I have no regrets from the choices I made, but I do regret the mistakes I made in the relationship and for not being completely honest with him, when instead I kept everything inside and let myself self-implode. My depression and anxiety did affect my relationship. It made me constantly worried and uninterested when I was in love with a boy who cared so much about me. We were not perfect for each other, but we did learn from each other and for that I am grateful.

“I am smart…I have the self-respect and self-worth to realize that no guy is worth the stress of losing 15 lbs. I did my best” (September 23, 2016).