By Samantha Nader
It’s just a regular day. Since we all live in an age when we’re obsessed with technology, the first thing I do when I wake up is grab my smart phone and check Facebook. Still burrowed under the covers and clinging to the warmth they provide, I skim through my newsfeed to see all of the notably drunken status updates, the photos of people snuggling drooling dogs and cranky cats, and the weird memes my crazy aunt always posts on my wall.
And then I see her.
It’s that girl from my Wednesday morning class whose friend request I accidentally accepted in a haze of sleepy stupidity, but it’s too soon to unfriend her without her noticing. And that’s when I see it. Her most recent status update is an ode to her boyfriend that goes a little something like this:
“OMG I love my boyfriend so much. He brought me candy and tampons in bed. He is so much better than any other guy out there and we’re a forever kind of thing. You might think you have the best boyfriend in the world but you’re wrong because I do. People can hate on us all they want but they won’t come between me and my sexy man. #sorrynotsorry #haterz #truelove”
I’m sorry, WHAT?? I wish I could say that I’m exaggerating, really, I do. Unfortunately, Facebook has become a breeding ground for girls to post obnoxious and uncomfortably intimate statuses about their significant others, along with a series of pictures involving snuggling, kissing, and general vomit-inducing canoodling.
I don’t mean to sound like a relationship-hater. I myself am “Facebook official” with my boyfriend, and I have no problem with posting a picture of us together at a family event or at the beach. But that’s the point isn’t it? Public places. Family friendly. Sweet, not intimate. Sharing a fun moment. Not a picture of your lips glued together and your hands clinging tightly to exposed skin.
Rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t want your grandmother to see it, you probably shouldn’t post it on Facebook.
You, Miss Thang, are a relationship snob. I’m sure your boyfriend likes it when you tell him you love him, but I bet even HE doesn’t like it when you post about it on Facebook like that. If he does… then you’re clearly right for each other.
Either way, I am going to block you. If I want to watch anyone make out, I’ll hide under their bed in the dorms, but until then, I hate you, nameless girl on Facebook, and so does everyone else.