Whether you are pro commitment or completely terrified of it, it is a very serious concept. Nowadays so many people are afraid of commitment because of the change in dating culture. Some of our writers wanted to share their own stances and feelings towards the topic as a way to reach out to those who may be confused of feel similarly and need someone to relate to:
Phobe:
When I was younger, being in a relationship always seemed like the ultimate goal. It almost seemed like the idea of being in a relationship was more appealing than actually finding someone I genuinely liked… since I had a habit of always liking more than one guy at a time. Despite my inability to commit, I found a few guys who I fell for -hard- and one or two that I can even say I loved. But I’m not here to tell you about the boys I loved, rather, I’m here to explain, and defend, why I’m not and don’t want to be in a relationship right now. Simply put, I can’t handle it. And I don’t know why. I wish I knew, though. I wish I could be one of those girls who wants to be in a relationship. I used to be that girl, but not anymore. Now, the idea of a commitment sends me into a weird anxiety-filled downward spiral. I feel my stomach tighten and I get lightheaded. If I’m being honest, my commitment issues stem from my trust issues and the fact that I like being single. I like having no one to explain my actions to – except my mom. I like coming home to an empty bed or maybe sharing it just for one night. A warm embrace is nice from time to time. I like flirting and exchanging gazes, sharing mischievous smiles and fleeting embraces. I honestly love it. But I think I love it too much right now because the minute I start getting attached to someone, I run. I run because even just the thought of a relationship makes my skin crawl. Everything seems like too much. Everything feels like too much. I feel everything too much. I guess in a way, my constant running from commitment is a way to distance myself from getting hurt. I’ve always known I’m a little too sensitive, and maybe this is how I learned how to protect myself. I know one day I will be perfectly content and I will be ready for something else. But for now, you’ll find me doing my own thing, discovering new things about myself and slowly, accepting who I am and falling in love with that person instead.
Phobe turned Pro:
Growing up, I always wanted a “fairy tale romance.” My parents had an amazing relationship that withstood everything life threw at them and my grandparents were together for well over 50 years. I wanted to have that person that I could always fall back on. I wanted someone that would work with me and whom I could work with when life got hard. It was after my mom died and my dad started dating every woman in sight that I started to think that I would never find what I wanted. There was always a new woman at the house and sometimes they would come back to back and perfectly timed. My father was a man-whore and I started to wonder if that was all I would ever find too. It turns out that it was me I had to be aware of. I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago and he has changed me so much. We had a rough start and there was a lot of emotional cheating on my end and eventually there was physical cheating on his. We were off and on and I started noticing that the patterns my dad once had with women, I now had with men. I’m not here to talk about that, though. My focus is commitment.
It took longer than I ever would have imagined for me to realize that I wanted to be committed. Do you know the saying, “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone?” That applies to this situation. I did not realize that I wanted to be in a committed relationship until roughly an hour after I broke up with my boyfriend. From May until September we ended up having a weird friends with benefits thing going on which included me meeting his family. The whole time I was reminding myself that this wasn’t going to last and to not get comfortable, but I’ve seen enough FWB movies to know that that isn’t true. Luckily for me, I have had a fairly decent ending so far.
Pro:
I love being fully committed to my boyfriend because I always know that I have someone to turn to if something is hard. When I go to sleep at night I know that there is someone out there that wants to see me succeed and wants to help get me there – a concept that is still rather new to me. As great as it is knowing he is there to help me along the way, I love being able to be there. Whether it is an encouraging text before a test or a reminder to go to class or if he doesn’t do well – it’s being right there to hold him and encourage him to keep working. He has a lot of big dreams and I want him to reach them and whether I am there to see him at the finish line or not, I want to do everything I can to help get him there. Yes, it is great knowing that I will always have a formal date and a cuddle buddy, but the big stuff – the life stuff – is what is the most important. Our values don’t line up and that is an issue for him, but as long as we aren’t horrible people and want to see the other improve as a person both personally and academically, then I guess we’re alright. No, I didn’t get what I planned on, but the rest of my life hasn’t gone that way either. Shit happens, but I got a really great guy out of it and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
Phobe:
My commitment struggles became more apparent when I saw my brother begin dating. He and I are very open with our relationships and he is a lot older than me, so I got to see his dating experiences before I could even start mine. I saw him break up with girls, I saw girls break up with him, and I saw all the sacrifices that he made for them. He was a different person with them, he gave them a part of him and was willing to keep giving. It hurt me to see him hurt, and I told myself that I couldn’t put myself through that or give anyone as much as he did. Relationships are high risk and uncertain, and some people are willing to go through that. I would rather put my energy in other things that would give me a higher return on investment, in my opinion. It sort of sucks when you see people in relationships but I don’t think it is my time and I’m not rushing it. I’m pretty satisfied with the single lifestyle and I wouldn’t mind it being that way for a while as I make myself the best person I can be.
Pro:
I know all about commitment… I have always been the commitment type of person. I never was good at causal relationships and hookups. I am currently in a serious relationship which I have been in for about 3 years. I love it in every way. However, I do not think monogamy is natural and it doesn’t work for everyone. To only be with one person your whole life is weird. That being said, there is a difference between monogamy and commitment. You can be in an open relationship and be very committed to someone. Some people are in monogamous relationships nearly their entire lives and are happy … that is awesome. I might even be one of those people. On the other hand, I might wake up one day and be unhappy in my relationship, or my partner might be unhappy. Even if you’re in love with the person you’re with, you can still be unhappy. At that point in my life, I might want to be in an open relationship or my partner might want to be and it’s actually very relieving to know that one day that could be an option. There is a comedian, Dan Savage, who coined the term “monogamish.” This is when two people are committed to each other but have sexual relations with other people. Savage and his husband follow this lifestyle and have been together for many years. So, no matter how two people decide to handle their love life, it is important that they are open with each other and doing what makes them happy. I think everyone gets stuck in the idea of what a relationship is supposed to be. What people don’t realize is that you can create your own relationship structure and cater to you and your partner’s needs. I think that’s the best way to have a long and happy relationship.
Phobe:
For a large part of my life I grew up with a single mom. Seeing her get hurt time and time again gave me the impression that relationships are the pits. As I was going through my teen years, being in relationships and trying to figure out exactly what I wanted out of them made me realize that the idea of commitment truly scared me. Now that I am in college and have been able to explore the relationship world, I have realized that I am not cut out for commitment. I hope in the future I can dip my toes in the pool that is commitment and not completely break out in a rash.
Pro:
The biggest advantage to being in a committed relationship- both romantically and platonically- is the support you can receive from your partner. It requires an immense amount of trust and understanding to reach a place of total comfortability but once you get there it can be magical. You have someone you can call when you are flipping out about anything, whether it’s the bachelor or your house burnt down, they are there for you. That can be terrifying. Allowing yourself to be completely open to another human being who has the potential to break your heart can be scary. It’s 100% supposed to be. Love/Like/Friendship isn’t by any means supposed to be easy, a lot of people jump ship as soon as it starts to become not so easy, that’s the moment you chose whether you want to commit to a person or back away. I think it’s fantastic to commit, but under certain circumstances. It should be a partner based decision and realize that if it ends it’ll be harder than almost anything, but sometimes the right people are worth the risk.
Phobe:
If you are around me enough, you are bound to hear my friends make jokes about my love life. A few snips about, “is that your boyfriend”, or, “I see a boy’s name on your phone, who is he?”. And let me tell you, all of this is meant as one big joke. I have had maybe two titled “boyfriends” intermixed with a multitude of flings in my life. The term “boyfriend” has weighed a little too heavy on me since coming to college – to be honest it has been something I’ve completely avoided one way or another. You see, I get myself in situations where either I pick a boy who sees me as a challenge and is a commitment phobe himself, or I get guys that i’ve been told are perfect for me very attached and I bolt when things get too serious. Basically I am in a constant rut going in between these two types of situations. There was even a point where a boy who I was admittedly in love with felt the same, and I purposely sabotaged it because I was scared. The damage I had done was actually so bad that it took over a year for him to even speak to me again. The thing that people don’t understand is that the moment I start thinking about the concept of “belonging” to someone, or having to be accountable to one person, my heart speeds up and the fear sets in. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very one boy at a time kind of girl, but once the “talking” stage starts to turn into something more serious I bolt. Growing up I was around a multitude of unhappy relationships and that level of toxicity in my own life scared me – not to mention I have my own problems to deal with. Honestly, I want to just keep working and focusing on myself because how can I add another person into the mix if I don’t even fully know who I am?
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