Collegiette, I know you think spring is the last chance you have for romance to blossom; in addition to your goal of hitting the academic jackpot this semester you wouldn’t mind a fling or two or one per remaining week in the semester. Luckily, I can aid you in this most righteous of female endeavors so that you, Collegiette, can entice two/five/seventeen suitors with one sniff! 1: by updating your stale wintertime fragrance stock and 2: by investing in the most heartfelt of stocks, the stock of love.
Yes, just spritz or if you’re desperate, drench, yourself in a mannetic fragrance to mannify your appeal so that you can become a mannet. Ok, my man puns are all spent. My selections have undergone an incredibly careful vetting process so that I can guarantee you romance, or at least our generation’s fastest version of it, this spring.
Well, how can I nab that spring fling I’ve been waiting all fall semester for you ask? I and professionals and charlatans alike say by appealing to the male specimen’s most reliable of biological impulses, base attraction. Apparently, there are scents that weaken a man’s will and make him propose, but despite my initial motive to ensure your partnering up for the upcoming warm weather (but in NJ temperature is hardly ever certain), many a hilarious perfume campaign made me forget why I went scavenging for sexy scents at all. Thus, you will soon see a combination of legitimate choices to light the flame of dry, hot passion deep in a recess of your soul and illegitimate choices, which will do no such thing. You may not attract a hot guy, but you may just laugh hysterically or become a better human being for having gained new knowledge.
Back to my point, I guarantee you that you will be drawn to a legitimate fragrance, the usage of which will prompt a great, world-shattering romance in your near future. Not to allude to an icon in each article I write, but as the Coco Chanel once said, “A woman who does not wear perfume has no future.”
So here’s to your future, Princess/Collegiette!
Disclaimer: some of the following product suggestions should be taken with a gargantuan grain of salt, as they are pricey, rare or only serve to entertain and re-entertain me as I type and edit.
Vivienne Westwood Naughty Alice: Calling all Lewis Carroll fanatics? Miss Vivienne’s perverse appropriation of the most classically naïve blue frock-donning character in English literature is inspired. As soon as I recognized the allusion she made to a childhood favorite I was immediately disgusted, but after about 2 seconds I thought it genius. To capitalize on my and your personal obsession with the recurring good girl gone bad motif (Rihanna, Bristol, need I name more) is commendable; Vivienne hit the mark in marketing. This fragrance causes my fun-loving imagination to run rampant, has Alice gone bad/become naughty because she’s now wearing Westwood’s perfume. Will I become naughty if I choose to fall down the same hole, i.e. act likewise? So, if your goal this spring is to transform from a sweet, unassuming freshman (despite the behaviors I witness on the weekends, I refuse to dispense of this belief) to a naughty, naughty freshman, then this is for you. All “joking” aside, I think the playfulness, the cute and clever-ness, of this fragrance is exactly the same attitude you should adopt in your quest, be it presently non-existent or since embarked upon, to nab one or many spring flings
Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian Unbreakable Any Collegiette can see that this celeb collab(oration) is begging to be mocked. Thus, it is my pleasure to give in to ridiculing this “celebrity” fragrance. 1. Personally, I do not know of any unbreakable glass perfume bottles; my own experience has proven to me that no glass item is unbreakable (in a former life I was a klutz and so I’ve demonstrated this physical fact in many a kitchen/restaurant/laboratory) so why name it unbreakable Khlomar? Secondly, I’ll be gracious for a moment to say kudos for creating a unisex fragrance, that’s actually unique. But thirdly, to resume my mock session, this entire campaign is going to be heartbreakingly hilarious when they break up. Don’t get me wrong, I would never root for a solid relationship to fail (in fact, I’m admirable of valid celeb coupling), but I do love reading about the innumerable relationship woes and post-breakup details of the rich and “famous.”
Frederic Malle Portrait of a Lady This fragrance is sure to entice the dwindling/multiplying? English majors among us. It’s my personal favorite because of its frank allusion to Henry James’ mid-career masterpiece, The Portrait of a Lady. It is no less than a stroke or should I say, a scent of genius. Even though, as pointed out by Wagner of mimifroufrou.com, Malle “has specified that the name of the fragrance comes from a general impression of aristocratic elegance exuded by Isabel Archer in The Portrait of a Lady,” he does not “aim to put the novel into a fragrance structure.” Not only would it imbue one with an elegance of aristocratic proportions, I imagine it would make one smell smart, like Princeton smart, and as far as springtime mating is concerned, maybe you could attract an Englishman or an adorkable bookworm
Lanvin Marry Me Two of my favorite commodities, Lanvin and marriage, married (I couldn’t resist)wonderfully in one fragrance; what more could I ask for? As soon as we saw tiger couples happily wedded at Princeton during frosh week we all thought how lovely it’d be to revisit the place where exams, snow, and golf carts assaulted us for 4 consecutive years. Though we undoubtedly have many more papers to write and problem sets to solve before that magical dream comes true I think sporting this fragrance would sooner make that dream a reality (if tiered cakes and wedded bliss is your thing).
Jennifer Aniston Lolavie/Eau de Parfum I know it’s so 2000 and late, but I will never forget the Aniston-Pitt-Jolie debacle. As pretty as I find her last name (Francophones, you feel me), to me Jolie will always be “the other woman,” which is why I am so righteously eager to support J. Aniston in all of her endeavors (I watch Friends reruns to this day). I hear that she is supposed to come out with an anti-perfume of sorts, a “non-perfume perfume.” According to my sources, this blue-eyed bombshell bottles up the scents of the ocean in her variably named fragrance.
Hello Kitty Eau de Parfum This bottle is absolutely precious; it has crystals, Hello Kitty, a classic atomizer bulb (perfume puffer), Hello Kitty, carnation pink contents and Hello Kitty! Because one could have easily made the target demographic for this for ages 5-10, I appreciate how tastefully, read grown-uppy, it’s been done so it may appeal to Collegiettes, like you and I, who no longer carry Hello Kitty lunchboxes and wear pigtails (in public).
Fresh Brown Sugar This fragrance smells edible, like tart lemon candy. With this sweet fragrance, Co-founder, Lev Glazman “wanted to capture the emotional experience of sugar, what it stands for in our hearts.” How heartening.
DKNY Be Delicious Juiced I love that the name of this fragrance is a directive, “be delicious.” B-E-Delicious! And how can you not be wearing scents of apple and exotic flowers. The bottle itself resembles that of a green apple, which only intensifies its citrusy appeal. Speaking of intense appeal, one spritz of this apple a day will not keep the boys away (as I’ve deduced from the ad campaign) so be warned. Collegiette, I can’t even stay away; it’s so arresting, enticing…seductive
The Pink Room Darkly Audacious This perfume has an irresistible air of mystery both in its storyline, given to it by the maker, and its availability. I don’t know why WWII is so unfailingly romanticized, but that is the setting for said story behind this fragrance. For some reason (yes, it could be said fun-loving imagination), I can’t help but to imagine flashing dark eyes, red lips, a single bright cufflink, and an overwhelmingly passionate lover’s kiss when I think of “The Pink Room.” This fragrance has an elegant vibe about it, which appeals to me because I do like to pretend to be worldly and cultured at times. Don’t you.
Clive Christian No 1 for Women Perfume Spray Not only is this expensive (price tag: $310-$865) it’s rare, as in limited supply; as noted by Nordstrom “the neck is 24-karat gold-plated sterling silver, stamped with unique hallmarks and set with a brilliant-cut diamond solitaire. The stopper is fashioned after the original design granted by Queen Victoria.” One might actually have to become the Queen of England to score this valuable fragrance and in light of said country’s recent (by recent I mean from about 3-4 months ago…give me a break I can hardly wake up for 8 am lectures, let alone keep track of the UK) turmoil I choose not to brave the TSA for London’s sake anytime soon.
You may end only falling in love with a new perfume, but can’t that suffice…for now? Ciao, belles!