Kellyn wrote this article in collaboration with her friend over at Her Campus at the University of Pittsburgh to share their story on the emotions they felt losing their dear friend. Check out their article here.
When you lose a friend, it feels like the world has been ripped out of your hands. When things are going well at school – classes are easy to understand, you feel completely comfortable around the friends you’ve only known for a few months, you start to feel more like an adult – you get a phone call that you never wanted to get. When you hear the words “he didn’t make it out” you start to panic and all you know is you need to move, to go anywhere else but there. You want to outrun the phone call, pretend it’s not happening, and that you’ll get the “it was a joke” call in two minutes, but it never comes.
You make a silent vow to learn how to hunt so that deer won’t run across roads anymore. You scream, and fight and cry, and take Advil hoping it will make your whole body hurt less, but it doesn’t. You hear your mom’s voice and whatever strength was getting you through the day immediately breaks and you no longer care if everyone on your floor witnesses your sobbing.
When you lose a friend, you get home as fast as you can and crawl your way through grief with your friends that loved him as much as you did, that understand more than anyone else what it’s like. You stay up until two in the morning three nights in a row because sitting around a table drinking tea is one of the few things that make you feel like maybe things aren’t completely falling apart.
You see his family. You sit in their house, trying to imagine what things might be like now. You go through his room and take a shirt to sleep in. You take a necklace that you’ll now wear while watching his favorite show, because for some reason watching it makes you feel like he’s there with you, and that he’ll always be nearby.
You go to his favorite spot and take pictures of the view. You spend three days trying to write a letter to him, to tell him everything that you want to in just a couple pages. You walk to a tree at midnight to bury a jar for him, full of pictures and memories that you can’t believe are over.
You develop more pictures for your dorm room. You pour everything you’ve got into a memorial service, hold it together that night, and even crack a smile when everyone is standing in a circle singing Adele off-key. You continue through the dark cloud hanging over you and keep going to class, keep up with work, and join new clubs because keeping busy is what you know how to do.
When you lose a friend you feel lost, but not alone. There are people who feel the same and who will always tell you how much they love you. You keep wishing that it isn’t real, but eventually have to accept the fact that it is. You keep a smile on and keep living life because, above all else, he would’ve wanted you to. You remember his kindness, compassion, and love for every living thing.
When you lose a friend you realize that life is different now, but someday it will feel okay again, even if it’s not today.