Mid-spring semester always seems like the time of year that we just get fed up. Fed up with classes, fed up with PhilaU, and fed up with friends and roommates. It’s also the time when we start making decisions for our living situations for next year. Whether you will be living with the same people, or new people altogether, it’s time for a lot of discussions about what you like, what you don’t like, what you want to change, and what you’re willing to compromise on. As someone who likes to avoid conflict like the plague, I came up with some dos and don’ts for solving problems in a healthy way.
DON’T hide behind your phone
Everyone has been guilty of sending an angry text every once and awhile, whether it’s while you’re on the toilet and realize your roommate didn’t replace the roll or if they forgot to take out the trash on their way to class. What I hate about texting is that you don’t have the context of what the person is saying. You don’t hear their inflection or see their facial expressions and body language, so a text can be interpreted differently by every person who reads it. The period at the end of the sentence might seem like an indication of anger to one person, but to another it might just be an afterthought. People are willing to say things from behind a screen that they would never dare say to a person’s face. That’s how text conversations turn to volatile arguments very, very quickly.
DON’T go into a discussion with your mind made up
If you attempt to talk things out with roommates, but already have your mind made up about what you will and won’t compromise on, the whole thing becomes pointless. You can’t go in unwilling to make a change. Then some people will feel intense pressure to compromise, or even fold altogether, whereas others are domineering the conversation. The whole point of sitting down and addressing issues face to face is that you can hear another’s point of view, and let that affect your decision making process. If you’ve already made your decision before you even discuss anything, the discussion becomes counterproductive.
DON’T be quick to yell or curse
I never want to yell at a friend, and I never want a friend to yell at me. Escalating a discussion to a screaming match will never solve anything. Most people have very visceral reactions to being directly yelled or cursed at. It clouds your judgment and automatically puts the person on the defense. Even if cursing is normal in everyday conversation, you shouldn’t bring it into an argument.
DON’T make it too personal
When you live with people, everything they do bothers you at some point. Make sure that during your discussion you are bringing up topics that make the person easy or hard to live with, not what makes them a good or bad person. Focus on things that they can change, or that they can compromise on as a roommate, instead of things about their personality that you may not like sometimes.
DON’T wait to discuss issues
These types of meetings are awkward. They’re usually not fun and they will often always cause a little bit of conflict. It’s also often hard to get more than two people together with a college student’s busy schedule, but if the meeting gets put off, it won’t happen. When it doesn’t happen, people stew over their grievances and the situation becomes exacerbated. It’s just easier to get things out on the table as soon as they happen. If you’re open enough with your roommates from the beginning, it could eliminate the need for a formal sit down altogether. If one person suggests a roommate meeting, listen, and have one as soon as possible. That way it can be taken care of and put behind you.
DO try to make it fun
When I know that I’m going to have a sit down discussion with my roommates about an issue, I get very nervous. I hate confrontation and I will spend the whole day preparing for it in my mind, thinking of ways to get my point across without offending anyone, and hoping they will do the same. Dreading the event can ruin my whole day. If you can plan the discussion around a fun dinner or while playing a game, you can make it something to look forward to.
DO organize the discussion so that everyone gets a chance to give their input
The best way to hash things out is to give everyone a chance to say their piece. My roommate came up with the great idea of making a complaint box, where people could anonymously put in slips of paper beforehand and then discuss them randomly, addressing everyone’s issue. We had dinner, and passed the box around in a circle, with everyone picking out one slip of paper. The person who wrote it could own up if they wanted to, but if they didn’t, people could still talk about it and try to reach a solution.
DO set a time limit
Give yourselves around an hour to talk. We are college students and we are very busy, and you don’t want it to turn into an all-night affair. This will keep people from lingering too long on one topic, and beating it to death with discussion. If the topic doesn’t come up after an hour, it clearly wasn’t that important to everyone.
DO pick a few discussion topics to prioritize
Everyone has their pet peeves about their space. It may be cleanliness, organization, or loudness. Everyone also has little things that bug them, but that aren’t pressing issues that they really care about. Make a list in your head going into the discussion about the things that really matter, and that you want to solve. Too often, real issues can get sidetracked by nitpicky things that don’t matter in the long run.
DO remember that these are your friends
Sometimes living with people can make you feel like you hate them. You rarely ever get a break from them. When you’re in a bad mood, even their voice annoys you. It’s important to remember the good qualities people have. If you chose to live with these people, you chose them for a reason. Don’t say anything so hurtful that you can’t come back from it. Most roommate issues aren’t anything worth losing a friend over. Once the meeting is over, leave the negative thoughts behind you, and remember the awesome things they do. Whether it’s waking you up in the morning when you miss your alarm, sharing their snacks, or watching your favorite movies with you when you’re sad, everyone brings something to the table that you can appreciate.