Dear Kelly*,
It’s me, and I have A LOT that you need to understand!
Photo from Be Limitless
You sit at the heart of many of my insecurities. Now, I know that I could’ve just not taken what you said personally, but I did, and I’m very sorry to say it.
Kelly, I don’t know if you remember the one time when I was sort of in your circle of friends, before you joined your honors frat, but I do. One time we were sitting in the middle of two dorms on our residential green, smoking hookah (I’m pretty sure we were enjoying your friend’s bubble gum flavor) and just hanging out. I was always the quiet one whenever I hung out with you guys because I usually did not know what to say. However, a moment came up where I could say something. (Now, I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I do remember what you said to me like it was yesterday.)
The dialog went a little something like this:
“Do you ever think before you speak?” you asked in a surprised, yet annoyed, tone as you were sitting on the other side of our circle.
“What, are you talking about me?” I asked, without confidence.
“Um, yeah — you say random things, like, all the time. It’s really strange, and a lot of the things you say just shouldn’t ever be said,” you smartly responded.
I then opened my mouth not knowing what to say, and obviously couldn’t find anything to say. So you just butted right in, without giving me a chance to think of a comeback.
“You know, you’re just really hard to hang out with. And I feel that that’s better said than not,” you said.
I was stunned– most people I’d known and spent time with fully understood me and my sense of humor, but you for some reason didn’t. At first, what you said made me feel a little hurt, almost like I wanted to bust out in tears. But today, our 20-second dialog has affected many aspects of my underlying insecure personality. I don’t think you realize how much your words and actions truly impacted me.
I have a lot of conversations with people on a day-to-day basis, but sometimes I wonder if what you said to me was actually an accurate representation of how people view me. Many people love me for my sociable and easy-to-talk-to personality. However, not everyone feels this way about me. A lot of people seem opposed to listening to or spending time me, and I always wonder if it’s because I said something that was too random or weird. I think I deserve to be well-liked, but I always have to think really hard about what I say and certain people are very hard for me to talk to.
Now, it’s not that I didn’t realize that your words were something to not take personally; it was the fact that you were someone I really looked up to, and anything you said seemed to matter. After all, I really wanted to measure up to you!
You have all the right looks: 5’7 tall, naturally platinum blonde hair, a slimish-athletic figure, great eyes and a very photogenic appearance. You know just which angles make the best selfies (maybe it’s your graphic design degree), you know just what to post to Instagram and it takes you no time to get above 50 likes and you always know what looks good for everything. (I’m sure you read that nodding your head in a self-congratulatory way). On top of your good aesthetic, you always have someone to spend time with, you’re always ahead of the social scene and you always had good grades.
I greatly compare myself to that without really trying to. A lot of people feel the same way about this as I do, and a ton of people I tell this story to say, “What, Kelly? Oh yeah, I know Kelly and I adore her! Her life is absolutely perfect and I envy it.”
Because I looked up to you, I feel as if you are right about me being ‘hard-to-hang-with.’ I think about every single word I say now. Nobody should have to do that, but I even do it when I’m around my family! How messed up is that? I really wish I could just go spend time with people and just live my life without worrying if I’m coming off the wrong way. But I leave the bars sometimes freaking out and overthinking each word I said!
With your high standard you set, Kelly, you must remember that your words can have quite the negative impact on people, if you aren’t careful. Not that I want to be you, but I really have done more than watch each word that comes from my mouth. I’ve pushed myself to come off ‘more perfect’ in every walk of my life. Most people think that I’m excelling, but often enough I’m dealing with insecurity.
Please tell me you’ll learn that your few seconds of advice for me measure up to years of beating myself up! I know that you don’t want me to bring it up at this moment in time, but you can smile and move past a situation where someone is acting among your measures of strange. It’s a kind and graceful thing to do, even if you are the wisest one in a group.
Thanks for reading, Kelly. Take care!
GIF from Giphy
–Anonymous XO
PS: I’ll continue to be me until we meet again. If that happens! Even though I’ll be quite insecure at moments, I’ll be killing it at life and keep living even if I say something “random.”
*Name changed to Kelly for privacy reasons and author likes to remain anonymous