You tried your very best during Welcome Week. You put on your new Acne Jeans, did the perfect winged eyeliner, and straightened your hair all week. You planned your Starball look (edgy but casual) a week in advance. You woke up at the crack of dawn before your 8AM to put an entire look together. You socialized with every classmate, never turning down an opportunity to go out.
You even tried the whole look-cute-pretend-to-study Bobst thing. When that didn’t work, you actually went to 404 to ‘work out’. And, still, you couldn’t find your life-changing, totally-compatible, soulmate. I know, surprising. And, so you did what you promised yourself you would never, no matter how desperate, ever do. You made a Tinder profile.
And then, within a second, you had 852 matches and 213 messages. And then, one day, the run-in’s began to happen. First, it was at Starbucks. Totally normal, totally expected. Then, it got progressively weirder. You’d find them outside your random class in the back of the corner, and then at the Gallatin lounge that no one uses. It probably went something like this.
1. Wait… that’s not…cute, artsy, vegan Parson boy? No, it can’t be. I’m on NYU territory. It can’t be, right? Yeah, no. Right?
2. Hold on, I got this. I knew I should never have deleted that stupid app. Ugh. Whatever, good thing, I saved his name, age, high school GPA, home address, credit score, and social security number. I knew it would come in handy!
3. Oh, no. It’s him. Definitely cute, artsy, vegan Parson boy. Please Help. Please.
4. Good thing I’m wearing my Marvel Pajamas and haven’t washed my hair since last year!
5. Wait, duh, just hide! I can do this! I’ll turn around, look away, pull my (nonexistent) hat down, and slowly shrink! Act calm. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill!
6. Wait, he’s walking over?! What? This was so not part of the plan. You should have never left Rubin. Why did you do that? This is basically the sole reason we have Seamless and Netflix.
7. Wait. You got this. You so got this. You’re basically invincible.
8. Just smize and…bite?
9. You got a date! So proud of you girl.
10. #Blessed.