At Notre Dame we are driven to make a difference. However, we are also often energy-starved when extracurricular activities are not so “extra” and studying intensely days before a test might get you an “A.” I know we’re all trying to solve world hunger and become the next financial rock stars, but there comes a time when we need to take a deep breath, look at the world around us and contemplate the people with whom we interact each day.
I am taking a pathos course designed to prepare students for the demands of medical school. The course reminds pre-med students the reason they are actually becoming doctors (a reminder many need with the new healthcare system). One skill the class has spent time discussing is “being with” others. Preoccupying thoughts about homework to be done later that evening, the interview the next day, or that embarrassing moment earlier involving spilling coffee and face planting in the snow, often overshadow sharing moments with others. To be truly engaged with the person with whom you are speaking is quite difficult in a world with so many distractions. My professor, perhaps with the intent of creating a good “bedside manner” for future doctors, suggested we should work towards devoting all our energy to the moment—this way, as each minute passes, we know we are living that minute to the fullest.
Now, I understand “living in the moment” is a cliché. During last weekend’s JPW mass, Fr. Pete McCormick reminded the junior class of how quickly graduation is approaching—how quickly we can get caught up in the hustle and rush of the fast pace of life at Notre Dame, perhaps subconsciously putting off the pleasant reflection of our experience here for the future, when we will be alumni wandering the campus in old “The Shirt[s].”
One way to get off the autobahn of college life, and stop to witness and reflect on the beauty and majesty around us, is to create authentic relationships with our peers. Friendships help ground us and give us perspective; true friends see the forest when you, too personally involved, can see nothing but the trees – heck, sometimes only the moss on the bark of the trees! For instance, it makes my day when the woman working at North Dining Hall reads my name off my ID as I swipe to gain entrance to the dining hall. She is taking time to say hello in an informal, friendly way. Small acts of kindness often are more important than they seem; they are expressions of friendship reminding me I am welcome here. Just knowing someone took the effort to make this subtle, positive gesture brightens my day and helps me focus on the bigger picture. Expanding on this notion, the confidence that comes with “belonging” is the product of effort, engagement, time, and respect for others.
So, why is it so hard to take time from our day to let our guard down and interact intimately with another? “Being with” another person in the moment has become difficult because we can’t find the time to actually do so. We don’t want to engage with each other, probably because putting in the effort means the chance of rejection, and true respect is hard to achieve. There are many instances in which friendships never blossomed to their full potential because of the ridiculous games of an increasingly complex – and arguably polluted – new set of social mores and rituals. I say “complex,” not sophisticated because sometimes these new rituals have more in common with the animals on the Discovery Channel than any previously known human customs or protocol.
A friend of mine, *Kate, had this insane crush on *Bill. One night, Kate decided to go out in hopes of seeing Bill. As she entered the bar, she immediately caught the eye of Bill, for whom she always had an almost kindergarten-esque infatuation. Now, although they had class together, their conversation had always merely consisted of a few back and forth jokes – nothing binding or serious. While both obviously desired to create a friendship – a “belonging” together – the complex web of modern relationships kept them apart. As the night progressed, he approached her, and, after some back and forth flirting, she decided to make herself appear “hard to get” by ditching him and talking with other friends. I like to call this “The Helga Pataki” syndrome, as portrayed by the once popular Nickelodeon show, Hey Arnold. Looking a little further back in history, I also blame Machiavelli – this psychological tantalization technique often used to test the persistence of a guy is responsible for dull stomach spasms, aka “butterflies.” Kate continued to tease Bill by walking through each of the six bars—and he followed. They later shared a burger, the flirting and laughing continued, and to top the night, they shared a kiss. By Kate’s standard it had been a good night. The next morning, Kate decided to text Bill a casual “thank you for a great night” message. However, there was no response from Bill.
On both sides of the story we see Kate and Bill playing the “whoever-cares-less-wins” game. Kate, by resorting to the counterintuitive strategy of an early 21st century Nickelodeon character, won this new competitive Olympic sport of acting uninterested to persuade Bill of her apathy for anything but a one-time good night. Now let’s analyze Bill’s status in this insane new social phenomenon. He is either 1) totally uninterested in Kate (in which case I would respond he has mastered the Machiavellian art of befriending someone in order to use her for his own end, a.k.a. womanizing), or 2) he has learned the same thing Kate has—if you appear to disconnect yourself emotionally from others, you will not get hurt. If it is the latter, the sad irony is that both parties were interested, however, neither party benefitted from this “great night” as a result of the liberating rejection of the traditional, battle-tested social norms of the past.
I believe one of the primary reasons why people have trouble “being with” others is because they are afraid to admit their insecurities – their fears – their vulnerabilities. How can we expect to act honestly with others if we are not truly honest with ourselves?
An example of this involves people’s Facebook pages. Occasionally we catch ourselves browsing (ok, Facebook-creeping) other people’s walls. Everything seems so organized, popular, and perfect on their wall – and while this may be the case – let’s face it; nobody posts his or her mistakes or adversities on Facebook. In this way, Facebook is a sort of online masquerade ball used to distract Facebook “friends” from the true insecurities of that person. I am not recommending we make our statuses “I am having the worst day because I got a D on my biology exam.” I just want to bring to light the fact that we are not perfect, and we should wear that with pride. Hopefully doing this will help us be honest and open not only with others but also ourselves, by not expecting airbrushed perfection in others.
Now here is the “dork” in me: to reference the popular TV series, Once Upon A Time, Rumpelstiltskin chooses power over the “weakness” of emotion (in the show’s story, love). Both Kate and Bill are Rumpelstiltskins – unwilling to show how they actually feel in fear of rejection in a world where the goal in a relationship is the unattainable, elusive perfection portrayed in Facebook and the cover of Glamour magazine. If you put time and effort into a relationship, something beautiful will blossom. On occasion, it’s my belief that some people are unwilling to put in the effort because they are afraid of rejection – they are afraid of letting someone into their personal reality of imperfection.
To quote some old, slightly famous baseball player (joke, it’s Babe Ruth), “Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.” Never take counsel from your fears; always improve but embrace the fact that we are all uniquely – and often beautifully – imperfect. Look at others in this light, too. You will grow. You will be happy. You will become more experienced in our real (imperfect) life on this earth and this is the greatest gift you can ever give someone and yourself. The dating culture, as well as the broader relationship realm, would be so much less complicated if we learn to communicate effectively and take risks in getting to honestly knowing one another.
*Names have been changed.