We’ve all been there: You meet a guy, are attracted to the guy, talk to the guy, hang out with the guy, maybe hook up with the guy, date the guy… And then somewhere along the way, you get hurt, and wonder where it all went wrong. Did things go too far? Were there red flags you missed? Could the awkwardness and hurt have been avoided?
It’s no surprise that relationships are risky; I mean, of course it’s risky to open your heart to someone and become attached. But there’s got to be a way to build a good relationship, right? One that is comfortable and secure, rather than frustrating and confusing. We’re all told to “listen to your heart” when it comes to relationships, but we also have to use our heads.
One way to understand the connection between our hearts and heads is with the “Relationship Attachment Model.” This model shows the different ways we bond with people in relationships, and how those bonds interact. The more we bond with people, the more attached we are in our relationships. The five areas of attachment in the RAM model are “Know,” “Trust,” “Rely,” “Commit,” and “Touch.” Each area is on a continuum from low to high. Understanding how these areas work together can help us build more satisfying relationships, and avoid unnecessary frustration and hurt.
Although being attracted to someone is often uncontrollable, becoming attached is a choice. This is empowering because it means we can determine how and when we want to become attached. Usually the first way we bond with someone is by getting to know this person, which is why “Know” is the first scale on the “Relationship Attachment Model.” As we get to know someone, the natural progression is to start to “Trust,” and then to “Rely” on this person. Eventually, people may feel safe enough to “Commit” to each other, both externally (in a dating relationship) and internally (in the heart). One way to express that commitment is through “Touch.”
For example, after you meet a guy, you may get to know him through hanging out and talking or doing things together. As you get to know him, you will naturally start to trust him, and have an idea of how he acts when you’re not around. The more you know and trust him, the more you will naturally rely on him, for little things like showing up on time and for bigger things like support on a bad day. As your relationship grows, you and he may decide to become more committed. Then, showing your romantic affection through the element of “Touch” naturally follows.
The general rule of the Relationship Attachment Model is that whenever one of the five areas is higher than the previous one, we create tension and unnecessary risk in the relationship. For example, if you don’t know or trust someone in your dorm as a good driver, letting them borrow your car and relying on them to drive safely can be risky and stressful. To avoid risky and unhealthy relationships, you should only “Trust” someone as much as you “Know” them. You should only “Rely” on someone as much as you “Trust” them, and “Commit” to someone as much as you can “Rely” on them. You should only “Touch” someone as much as you “Commit” to them.
These five areas of attachment work together because they each come from a different part of you – whether mental, emotional, physical, psychological or spiritual. These different parts make up your whole self, and everywhere you go, your whole being goes; you can’t leave part of yourself behind. To build good relationships, we can choose to become attached in a way that keeps us, and our hearts, “safe.” The logic of the “Relationship Attachment Model” helps us know where to draw the lines in our relationships and allows us to be more conscious and deliberate about the way we become attached to people. This helps us reduce stress and hurt, and reminds us that if we use our heart and our head, love doesn’t have to be so blind after all.
To read more about the Relationship Attachment Model, check out How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by Dr. John Van Epp.