Everyone has that one relative at Thanksgiving who gets on their last nerve. You could have more than one. No matter who you are, you definitely aren’t pleased as punch by every single one of the people at your Thanksgiving table. Here are some specific, annoying characters you might see this year at the Thanksgiving table.
The Great Aunt with the Personal Questions
No, Aunt Anne, I do not have a boyfriend. I don’t know if you’ve seen the statistic, but niche.com rated Northwestern guys #1,094 in attractiveness out of 1,191, so any future spawn you’re imagining from a college relationship would probably be some of those babies that people pretend are cute. And the truth is, Aunt Anne, there are ugly babies. Furthermore, have you seen my baby cousins, your grandchildren?
The Family Friend who writes Erotica
“Have you read my new book, Ride that Cowboy? It’s number #1,052 in Amazon sales under romance > texas.” No, random stranger, I haven’t read the book. And I’m not too keen to, considering you are like 70 and writing about people my age copulating, I do not want to read that, no thank you. And no, I do not want to hear how your latest main character was inspired by your mother because – ew.
Your Uncle Who Has Something to Say About Your Major
“So… What do you plan on doing with that?” Well, dearest Uncle, I plan on doing whatever I damn well please! Maybe I’ll come work with you. If what you do is perfectly respectable for you, why would something “as unfulfilling as teaching” as you say, be so bad for me? Can we stop judging our family members based on their interests and careers now, please? And no, I actually don’t plan on going into education “with that” but I’d appreciate if you would stop asking me every holiday like I’ll have something new to say.
The Cousin Who Doesn’t Say a Word Until the Football Game Comes On
Cousin Derek strategically avoids the questions you get hammered with by being completely sullen and silent for the entirety of the meal. That is, until the football game comes on. Then he has a beer in hand and is chumming it up with all your male relatives, and they’ll all leave thinking “That Derek is so charming” while carefully forgetting how little he talked when anything other than touchdowns and the effectiveness of the secondary was brought up.
The Uncle who still thinks you should sit at The Kids Table
Yes, Uncle Mark, I did spoon some of that Kraft Mac n’ Cheese on to my plate, but, no Uncle Mark, that does not mean I should sit with my four year old cousins. I am 20 years old, and I can probably hold a conversation at the adults table better than you. I secretly think this is because you want to talk about things you know will offend me and don’t want me at the table to call you out. But sure, you can blame it on my mac n’ cheese. I don’t mind
Despite all these crazies, there’s still your sweet Grandma who calls you beautiful and your aunt who always saves you an extra slice of pie. We hope you have fun with all your relatives this holiday season, whether you’re calling them out for their antics or laughing uproariously with them.