A word of caution to the reader: I would like to note that while this article may seem a bit harsh and stereotypical, it’s all just to be satirical: I myself have done every single one of the things mentioned here.
1. Song Lyricists
You know when you’re listening to a song, and the lyrics happen to very much coincide with your life? Yeah, I’ve had that moment too. I’m sure everyone has, it’s the wonderful thing about music. But I do not feel the need to update my status daily with the “song of the moment” that describes my life to a T, like these people do. Sometimes I move right past the post, sometimes it happens to be a song I recognize and normally will give an eye roll, and then there are the confusing times when I think that the person is attempting to write poetry, which brings me to my next point…
2. Hipsters
We all know a Hipster. They are far from a rare breed these days, and as much as they would like to pretend that they are above Facebook and spend all of their time wallowing on Tumblr and WordPress, we know the truth. They infect the most popular social network as much as we all do. Except they post cryptic status’s about movies low-budget enough for only them to have seen, and pictures that are tilted or of just a single body part, because it’s artsy.
3. Babies
Unfortunately, most of us have gotten to the age where we have one or two friends on Facebook who have kids (or nieces/nephews as is usually the case). We have all seen the gushing posts about the first steps or first words. And of course come entire albums dedicated to the first time he/she blinked. It’s enough to make a girl want to spit up, especially after seeing pictures of said action occurring.
4. People Who Think FB is Twitter
Though most of us have brilliantly welcomed the new digital age, and have apps of Pintrest, Tumblr, Facebook and Twitter on our phones to separate different interests across the social media spectrum, others have not. As friends of said people, we are forced to get updates every ten minutes about their commute to work, the food they had for lunch, and how freezing their office/classroom/dorm is. If you read this and fear you are one of these people, here is the link to Twitter. Create an account and get started. I myself have one, and have tweeted almost 1,100 times in the past ten months about exactly the things I mentioned above (a fact that I’m not sure if I am proud or disappointed about…) and more interesting things as well. Follow me if you’d like. *shameless self promotion, let’s be honest*
5. “Let’s get druuuunk”
We are college students, yes? The weekend comes around, and most people are out doing the same thing, or at least, I’m going to assume that’s what you’re doing. There is no need to let us (or your future co-op employer) know on the reg how many shots you took, or how you shotgunned a beer/won at pong. And, the morning after, we do not need to know how bad your head hurts. See the note above, and get a Twitter for those types of things to save us all from reliving your night with you (though you should probably make it private as to avoid future employers seeing.)
6. Inspirational Moments
Gahndi knew what he was talking about, that’s for sure, but I do not need to be reminded every day, “To be the change you wish to see in the world.” I’m sure there is a site out there in the World Wide Web where I can look up inspirational quotes if I am feeling especially down, and then I can proceed to write them in my journal instead of posting them for all my friends to see…
7. Spam
“A cancer patient only has one wish…” Yes, you know it, I know it, the cancer patients know it. Since email was invented, stuff like this has been flung all over the Internet. I remember when I received my first chain letter and I freaked out, sent twenty emails and went crying to my mom because I thought I would die the next day. It was then that I learned how completely fake they were, and I believe that they should be left in the past along with floppy discs and PCs that weigh 500 pounds. And it’s not as if I don’t care about the cancer patients, I do, cancer is a horrible disease and I hope they find a cure. But if you agree, just like the status, don’t repost it, you know?
8. Girls Wearing No Clothes
Remember when we were in middle school and girls took mirror pictures and Myspace pictures of themselves wearing little to no clothes ALA Miley Cyrus. Remember when we were in college and girls still do that? I am here to tell you ladies, that no matter how much your bra shows, or how short your skirt is, the boys will not like you more. That is where that dreaded s word comes from (sl*t). Let’s all try to be a little classier and save the nudity for the bedroom, shall we? (It’s not a coincidence that I am saying this shortly after Halloween either…)
9. Bros
Do you like sports? Do you like beer? How about girls doing #8 on this list? Then you are probably a bro. And if we did not already know this from seeing your posts about #5 or angry status’s about the latest game, you will also change your profile picture to your favorite sports player, or having beer with all your other bros. Well, at least ya’ll are dependable.
10. Sorority Girls
And lastly, we come to the sorority girl, something I am very familiar with. You probably know every last one of your friends’ philanthropies from the event and fundraiser invites you constantly get notifications from. Then there are entire albums dedicated to one night of going out, 200 pictures of girls posed with hand on hip, head thrown back that makes people think there had to have been a training seminar before they were let in. And the infamous sorority squat: knelt over, hands on knees, huge smile on their face. Sorority girls are constantly clogging my newsfeed…and I’m not just talking about my sisters ;)