Disclaimer: The experiences of women in interracial relationships can vary immensely from person to person. This is based on conversations with close friends and family members in interracial relationships, but doesn’t at all speak for all women.
“Racism doesn’t exist.” “It’s not nearly as bad as it used to be.” “Our generation is much more accepting of people of color than our parents’ generation!”
I started believing these statements during my time at a predominantly white high school in Wisconsin. The few people of color that went to my high school didn’t seem bothered by the way they were treated, so I thought that racism was slowly starting to go away.
Then I started dating a man who’s Chinese over a year ago, and I was almost instantly met with questions I’d never been asked in previous relationships. The micro-aggressions and off-color questions made me newly aware of the prejudice against people of color that has always existed in Minnesota and the United States. Although the questions are asked out of curiosity in a harmless manner, they perpetuate negativity and stereotypes surrounding people of color.
1) [Insert stereotypical question about their anatomy].
Questions about height, weight, penis size, body hair, etc. are usually off-limits unless you’re having tell-all conversation with your closest friend. When I started dating a person of color, even drunk acquaintances would ask me for intimate details about our relationship. Friends I had only spoken to a few times would pull me in close and ask me, “Is it true what they say about Asian penises?” quietly. (As if it’s okay to be racist and stereotypical when you’re drunk and whispering). I used to give them the answer they’d know if they just thought about how absurd stereotypes are: No. Now, I don’t dignify a question like that with an answer. Sweeping generalizations are just that, sweeping generalizations.
2) “Are [his race] guys just your type?” or “Are you just attracted to [his race] guys?”
No. I’m attracted to guys who treat me right and make me happy, just like you are. To ask if I’m attracted to every Asian man in the world, solely because he’s an Asian man, is absolutely ridiculous. Relationships and attraction are not exclusively grounded in someone’s race and gender identity. Do you want to eat every hamburger you encounter? Even if it’s half-eaten, three-days old, and/or it doesn’t have the toppings you want on it? No. You want a Juicy Lucy made with grass-fed beef. You want a turkey burger with Swiss cheese and avocado. You want a Big Mac at 2am because nothing tastes better than a Big Mac at 2am. You want a hamburger that’s loyal, honest and listens to the same music as you.
3) “Are you guys going to have kids? Mixed babies are so cute!”
Woah. Let’s unpack this one.
a. What a shitty comment to make to a couple that hasn’t decided on, let alone talked about, having children together! What response are we supposed to give you? What do you want me to say? Seriously? Actually.
b. People don’t have children so you can look at them. People have children for many very personal reasons, and if or when they decide to have or not to have children, I can almost promise you they haven’t chosen to have children for your viewing pleasure.
c. This generation and the way we fetishize mixed race people and babies is contradictory and out-right ridiculous. (It even has a hashtag on Instagram!) We idolize the beauty of people who are mixed race, giving them labels like “exotic” because they have typical traits of people of color, but conform to white beauty standards. Our society poo-poos interracial relationships, but adores and idolizes the products of those relationships. See the problem here?
4) Do you do that because you’re dating a [person of color]?
No. Just no. I’m eating Chinese food because I like it and there are four Chinese restaurants in Dinkytown alone. I’m listening to this music because it’s awesome. I wear these clothes because they fit me, and I like how they look on me. I act this way because it’s who I am. I’m correcting your language use because it’s offensive. That’s it.
5) Are you dating him because you’re an activist?
For those of you who are reading this with mouths hanging open in shock, I know. Thank you for being as shocked at the audacity of people who ask this as I am. How dare someone think I chose this person to date based on their race and culture? Being an activist does mean I care a lot about social justice and racial equity. It doesn’t mean I’m shallow enough to date a person of color solely to amp up my social ranking in the activist realm.
Bottom line: questions like these, although you’re curious, are not okay. Bookending these questions with phrases like “No offense, but…” or “Not trying to be racist, but…” doesn’t make asking it suddenly better either. If you feel the need to apologize for or justify your question, you’re probably being offensive. I’m always open to having a conversation about my experiences, but think twice before saying these things. Your questions will likely answer themselves.