Dear eating disorder,
I learned the hard way that happiness comes from within. Happiness is not derived from the number on a scale. No number in this world will ever define me, nor will my past.
You and I had a love-hate relationship. I thought in order for me to love myself when I looked in the mirror, I had to hate something I loved the most—food. You made me believe I would not be beautiful until I became as thin as possible. You made me believe I was not worth anything unless I achieved what you required of me. You made me believe I was in control of my life. You made me believe everyone around me was wrong and you were right. You made me believe beauty is pain. You were wrong. You led me astray. You broke my mom’s heart. You tore my family in half. You made me lose friends. You dragged me through the worst two years of my life. But you did not win. I did.
I won.
You left your mark on my life, but I am not ashamed. You will always be the chapter in my life where I learned that on my pursuit of happiness, I forgot what happiness truly was. When the chapter came to a close, I learned how to be the best me. The me who is stronger than you. The me who is beautiful. I learned what happiness is. I learned that you do not define my worth, I do.
Everyone who’s suffered because of you the way I did should know they are not alone. I’ll be their mirror. I’ll reflect everything I see when I look at them. I’ll show them the light I see within and the beauty I see both on the inside and outside.
Beauty is not pain. It is not harming yourself to change yourself. It is not putting your friends and family through hell. The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. No one should have to change for anyone, no matter what. Be yourself. Be beautiful – it shouldn’t be hard, you already are. Baby steps in the right direction are still steps in the right direction. I’d like to take the first step for anyone struggling.
You are more than your circumstance.