Admit it you’ve either tried it, you’ve wanted to, or you’re curious what would happen if you did. And we all have our reasons (or excuses if we’re being honest) like “it was a joke or a dare”, “my friends made me do it”, “I just wanted to know what the hype was all about”, “it was convenient and fun”, “I wanted to find someone” (which lets be honest- if you’re writing that, you should be on eharmony), “all my friends have it” and there’s the worst one of all “I was trying to get over someone.”
Either way, downloading Tinder, having a freak out moment when it asks you to connect to your Facebook and accidentally superliking people because you didn’t even know that was an option can temporarily wreak havoc on your brain. We are all naturally social beings and Tinder has just granted us more convenient access to act on a whim and satisfy present desires. The only question is what desire are we trying to satisfy?
Now this isn’t going to be a platform for me to describe various Tinder experiences, but rather a challenge to women’s reasoning for why they followed through in the first place and why they continue to pursue the trend afterward. Media and adulthood nowadays has glorified hookup culture and it becomes more and more difficult for women to decipher if they are acting on their personal values or simply living by subconscious social cues that have been ingrained to seek one’s self worth through external validation. Given that, I have two cases two make, of which I will attempt to address both sides, while offering my opinion based on the reasoning I have developed from past experience. I’m not saying that makes me an expert, but I do believe that it very well rang true for me then and still resonates with me now.
Case for Self Validation
1. You’re never satisfied- even after one match you feel like you need more and more people to match with and more people to message you (even as a backup conversation) simply to make you feel like you’re a hot commodity. And when one person compliments you- it just becomes a standard expectation so that anything less is immediately neglected.
2. It becomes a game- I can only speak for myself, but perhaps some of you can relate. Because at one point you realize you’re really not interested in any of these people, but only continue conversation for the mere sake of being wanted and feeling as if someone or multiple someone’s are interested in you. However, even then, the satisfaction from the constant attention only lasts so long.
3. It becomes a ranking system- in the beginning people keep their standards high, just as anyone would in real life and when it becomes tiring and more difficult. You already had that mini admonishment for judging people solely based on looks, but eventually you become numbed to that and the ranking becomes normalized. You ask yourself- are they the type you would let sit in the messages, or the one you would respond to until you get bored, or the one that might just turn into something real? But is that fair to either of you?
4. If the one you want doesn’t want you, maybe you can compensate by being wanted by multiple strangers. Going on Tinder to get over someone is like trying compensate for lack of quality with quantity. And I’m not saying that aren’t good people, but it isn’t necessarily guaranteed that you’ll find a connection like the one lost. If anything, you’ll just be left constantly searching.
5. The fairytale- now this may be a stretch but sometimes I think we often like to believe we are the exception in life and this exploration could turn into something different where we will find an actual connection through a short, heated fling. I won’t deny that’s not a thing because I have a friend where this happened for her and she is blissfully happy in a relationship with her Tinder boyfriend, but that was an unintentional case of serendipity that still doesn’t change the intentions.
6. Self-aggrandizement- the act of promoting oneself as being powerful or unimportant. We all want to feel wanted, valued and important in life but isn’t that usually attained through personal goals and passions? It becomes a bit dangerous to a meaningful life, once that sense of importance comes from another human other than yourself and I’m not going to go on a whole self-love spout here, but there is some truth to that- no lie. Hence, the basis of the argument for self-validation.
Case for a Quick Fix
Now I understand that using the word quick fix can carry a negative connotation, but it’s not as if people make a Tinder to seek soulmates and reconnect with long lost lovers because if that were the case it would become a part of he plot line of the next romantic comedy, not the punch line to Amy Schumer’s jokes. In this case though, I do not regard Tinder as synonymous with the in person hookup culture because there are various differences that set the online interactions apart from a future relationship with Ryan Gosling as it happened for Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid Love.
1. Sometimes you just need to get it out of your system-we’ve all been there- the buildup that gets harder and harder to ignore while you work your tail off in other aspects of life, so that eventually your curiosity takes over and you’re left asking yourself, why not?
2. It’s a part of the college culture- if this is the philosophy, even once one grows older that the day and age for getting to know someone through physical, mutual connection is over, people will still be searching to fulfill that void in the college experience
3. It’s just for fun- if it’s so accessible, then why not make use of it, am I right? I understand that mentality and for a few moments, the angst is settled and the convenience holds you over as you get caught in the moment. But that’s all they are really- moments to curb the boredom and desire of the moment.
4. It makes you feel alive- there’s a difference between surviving and living and you’ve probably heard that a thousand times, but there is a difference between living and being alive. And getting that mini spike of adrenaline does offer the little bit
5. It helps pass time- I won’t disagree that there is a slight entertainment factor, despite the frustration, to swiping left and right (though mostly left if we’re being honest because it’s a tough world out there) when you feel like there’s nothing better to do, but at the end of the day you realize you sat in a chair for 11 minutes straight doing nothing but use your thumbs.
Conclusion: Self-Validation
At the end of the day, from a personal standpoint and perspectives of others close to me, this app just left me feeling bored and empty with a satisfaction mainly granted through the ability to ghost someone and disappear at my own will at a moment’s notice. I’m not saying that these apps don’t work and don’t have beneficial aspects because they do offer aspects of entertainment and possibilities and romance. However, in my experience the benefits are outweighed by the disappointment and lack of fulfillment of swipe after swipe that just falls short of making individuals on both ends simply disposable. They’re disposable due to easy access and cursory judgments.
However, if used correctly with patience, you might get a few dates with a few cute, stand up guys, but be prepared for a lot of duds rather than studs at the end of the day. Given that, if I did come to any conclusion, it was that I am still quite the traditionalist. Dating apps are not the internet and we may need the internet to survive in this revolutionized time, but I don’t believe we need a Tinder, a Bumble or even a Match profile to chase a destiny that’s already been set by an epic kind of love that will hit you when you’re not looking. Maybe that’s just the hopeless romantic in me, but if anything, Tinder did confirm that I personally didn’t need it in my life because (if the regret was any indication) all it did was reinforce the notion that I needed an external source of fulfillment in the form of a pretty face and toned, gym bod. All I saw was a face and not a heart and sadly, I was okay with that, so I needed a change in the form of a deleted account that didn’t stay deleted for long, but eventually would after the repeated boredom and dissatisfaction.