For most of us – millenials – we live on our phones; always recording 10 second videos, sending texts, and swiping right. We are heavily engulfed in the social stigmas that plague our society through social media (e.g. Instagram, Twitter, etc..). One these stigmas being that, for all of us, we should be in a relationship with a loving partner.
We see people on the “IG” holding hands, smiling, feeding each other food #vomits; tweeting about “how johnny is the best bf for texting me goodnight” (*rolls eyes*).
But, cynicism aside, while I do not believe Johnny is the best for making an effort to take 3 seconds out of his day to text goodnight, I do think that many individuals would like to see themselves with someone who they believe loves them – maybe due to the pressure of the media and friends or wanting to experience what we see love produces; no matter the reason we all want “that someone special”. But, how does one date in a society where technology runs the world (and not girls)?
Where people would fall in love with a new phone rather than a caring compassionate person? Where people rather smell leaves through some sort of app rather than going outside?
Around a couple of months ago I decided to go out on dates to get “the skinny” on this whole new frontier of dating, not with the intention of falling in love or getting into a relationship but, to help people, who live in a society where technology is the forefront of our lives, navigate the complexities of online dating and hopefully to find someone to call their own.
Now, I know I am a gay male but, I feel my experiences are similar to those of many heterosexual cisgender people and, hopefully, I can bestow wisdom upon thee.
Disclaimer: I will not be using any real names for the protection of the identities of these men.
First there was sweet Alan; sweet, charming, caring, crying, overtly emotional Alan. I met him on Grindr – a gay dating app – and he seemed pretty decent, given the information from his profile.
Well, the profile picture of him and his dog did help to sway me in the decision of responding to some of his many messages and ignoring some of his red flags.
In the beginning, almost immediately, we hit it off! In all honesty, it was great. We talked on the phone every night; we laughed; we shared secrets; we were those annoying people who you see in movies; the people who stay on the phone longer than anticipated because the other refuses to hang up. In the first week he was showing high amounts of affection – a little smothering – but for the most part, cute.
At first, I felt naive because I refused to see what was there and simply went with what he was selling (i.e. his charismatic smile, his 6’ 3’ presence, his dazzling pretty teeth, and, swimming in his gorgeous blue eyes) also, I like a guy who shows affection; who is caring and kind plus, he does have the most adorable dogs I have ever seen – which I always got pictures of.
So, as time progressed, and the swapping of pictures and conversation grew tiresome, a week into meeting on this app, we decided to meet in person. Now, I know I meet seem crazy for thinking a guy could be too perfect to be true but, he is educated, intelligent, stimulating, charming, kind, tall, and cute so, I was deeply invested. Personally, I thought this guy was great – not ‘I love you’ great, but great, nonetheless.
For our first date he asked where I wanted to go, so, I choose a nearby restaurant named Roscoe’s Chicken – just kidding, of course we went somewhere fancy.
Pro Tip 1: When going on a date with a complete stranger you met off of the inter-web, be sure you pick the place and pick somewhere close by so, if need be, you can catch an uber home that will not cost more than $15.00.
That evening, dressed casually, we went out.
Pro Tip 2: Try to dress casual for the first date, something that is simplistic but still displays that I am putting in effort. If someone looks like a #bum on your first date, then drop them, because that is telling you that YOU will be the putting the most effort to keeps things afloat if it goes beyond a first date. Strive for someone who will mutually put in effort.
Also, if someone you met off of the inter-web is picking you up, make sure it is not in front of your dorm, house, apartment, etc… Give them an address of somewhere close by and walk to that address, you will be thankful later when they are not standing in your residence, playing the American Horror Story theme song, screaming “LOVE ME!”
Going in he was the perfect gentleman: he opened doors, gave me his jacket, and, pulled out my chair – things seemed to be going smoothly.
Pro Tip 3: Be a strong independent woman who don’t need no man and pull out ya own chairs, and open ya own doors. I did not do so, mostly because I was lazy but, also, as we all know, it is nice to have someone show that kindness to you – especially on a first date. Also, I have a crippling need for attention from others.
We are sat. We received our menus and our waiter offers the drink selection for the night, in which, we ask for a moment. I know what I want to drink but, he does not. I look down at my phone, as I am wearing his jacket, and I wait for him to decide. Time has passed and I think he is ready, so, when I look up he is staring at me then we make eye-contact and he stares into my eyes which, could be a good thing – if we have not been talking for only a week.
Pro Tip 4: Put your phone in the middle of the table until your date is coming to an end and whoever picks up their phone first, before the date is over, bares the financial responsibility of the date.
As he was staring, I noticed the glossy cover over his eyes – almost as if he was a puppy in love, amazed with such beauty, which shocked me because I usually look like a dying cat who just woke up from a long night working in the alleys.
So, me being naive and thinking that he was just being a hopeless romantic – which he was – I decided to indulge the staring competition and stare back, then I asked if I had something on my face, to which he repsonded: “Ye, you ugly,” and he peaced out and that is how I got my heart broken – just kidding. He said, “no, you’re just so beautiful.” At that moment, I wanted to melt into my seat.
Pro Tip 5: Never melt in public, it is dangerous, inappropriate, and, inconsiderate – especially to the people who will have to clean you up after.
To break this staring, heartfelt, competition, the waiter came over to ask us if we were ready to order our drinks and food. I was famished, so, I began telling the waiter my order. I panned over to see Alan still staring which, personally, goes from romantic to creepy ‘real quick’ (as in zero to ahundid). He then says something to the sort of: “I love you”. I decided to pay that remark no mind, mostly because I thought I was hearing abrasions telling me false statements, but then he repeats himself – louder.
At this point I am taken back.
To note: I am not, in any way, disillusioned and rejecting to the idea of love but I am also not accepting of the idea of loving someone whom you have only known for a week. Personally, love is not a disney fairytale, as Walt would have you to believe but it is, simply, a person you find who is opposite of you in some ways but also, alike. In my opinion, I feel love does not hold you to have encountered one soulmate but, throughout life, you can have multiple monogamous relationships and some type of love in each one.
Being that I do feel this way, I was a bit ‘off-put’, as one might say, by his remark.
I was was so ‘off-put’ that I responded by saying, “sure champ”.
I do not know why I said that, but I did see the look in his eyes convert from glossy to infuriated.
He then proceeded to ask if I loved him back. In this moment, I had a difficult decision to make. On one hand I could say yes and receive free meals, date him, end this experiment but inevitably break-up, but, I chose the latter, a situation in which I had to stay true to my research, myself, and to someone who was not looking for the same things I was but deserved happiness.
I furthered explained by saying: “I am incapable of loving someone who I met a week ago. So to answer your question, no. No, I do not love you but you do seem like an amazing guy and I enjoy being with you, maybe love is something we can revisit in the future.”
Pro Tip 6: When you’re on a date with someone, make sure to never use the words “our”, “future”, and most of all “LOVE”!
When I am done speaking, he looked baffled, and began asking me the question “why”, which slightly confused me being that I just gave a reason to why I did not love him. Meanwhile, the waiter is standing there, and at this point he decides to excuse himself.
Alan kept asking me “why”, and I kept asking him, “why, are you asking me this question?” After a few “whys” have passed Alan then begins to cry. While crying, he was mumbling words which I could not make out.
In his state, he begins to raise his voice and get louder. Naturally, I put my head down because people began to stare.
In the middle of his rant he stops and just starts repeating the word, “no” and then goes onto to say that I did not deserve him; he was to good for me. He excuses himself to the bathroom and ask for his jacket.
I sat and waited his return. In retrospect, I do not know why I did not leave in that moment. He returns but, with the same glossy puppy eyed look from before and begins to compliment me. I was faced with another difficult decision, receive free food and compliments or leave because I come to realize that this guy is unstable – for lack of a better term
I figured either way I was going to die, either by his axe or through starvation but, I decided to excuse myself from the table using the excuse of the bathroom, go to the bathroom to request an uber and used my dexterity and stealth skills taught to me by Angelina Jolie (from the movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith) and weaved my way out of the restaurant. When I was safely in the uber, I decided to block his number and his social media accounts
All I could think at the time was the fresh piping hot tea – with two sugars – that I had to tell my friends when I got back to campus.
In all honesty, I have no clue of the whereabouts of Alan, or if he is still at the restaurant waiting, or if he has found love but, I do wish him the best in journeys and I hope he finds someone that loves him the way he so clearly loves other people.
To Be Continued…