One of the biggest things I was worried about before I came to Kenyon was the weekend nights. I had heard creepy stories from my older friends about guys who took them home, read articles about date rape and how to prevent getting drugged at a party, and got another sex talk from my parents so I knew to be safe.
When I got to Kenyon, a lot of those worries went away. I wasn’t on a huge university campus—the oldest people were my sister’s age, so I felt more comfortable. I felt at ease at parties, almost bold. I was enjoying meeting new people, dancing, and being loud.
I was shocked when one of my new friends told me that they had had an uncomfortable experience with a guy. We were both new and felt uneasy that in the first few months of college, we’d already witnessed an experience that we had been warned about. A month later, one of my friends from home called me to talk about a distressing experience she had had with a guy.
I worked on a hotline in high school and therefore, unfortunately, I have heard horrible stories from people of all genders who have been made to feel uncomfortable in sexual situations, sexually assaulted, and raped. I thought I was well equipped for college, but suddenly being here, I realized that it was a lot different to handle these situations when they’re right in front of you and not through a telephone. It felt real. It hit me and my friends that every person we were romantically involved with didn’t automatically go away afterwards—we saw them in Peirce, on Middle Path, in our classes, on the weekends at parties.
Hopefully this article serves well for college students who are getting a little burnt out from the end of the year may be getting more careless. This also serves as a good reminder for incoming students who are preparing for college life. Everyone’s actions have consequences. Here are a few tips that I have used and collected in the event that you go home with someone:
1. Know what you want before going in
Sometimes you think that you feel one way, and then you go out and act outside of how you really feel. No one should ever pressure you to do anything you don’t want to. Unfortunately, alcohol is often a good persuader. It can make us do things that we wouldn’t do in a rational state of mind. Talk to your friends beforehand, or have someone sober who can text you while you’re out and give you a reminder to just have fun when you go out (not necessarily sexual fun) and to be safe.
2. Make sure that someone knows where you are
If you go out with your friends, have a talk beforehand just to make clear that no matter what happens, you all keep an eye on each other. If I see one of my friends talking to someone, I keep my attention on them so I know where they are, if they left, and whom they left with. My friends and I always text each other if we leave with someone so the other knows where they are. More importantly, this helps me to gage if my friend is too drunk to know what’s going on and therefore cannot give consent.
3. Keep your phone on you
I know this one is difficult, but it is so important to always have your phone on you, just in case things get dicey. When I was once in a situation that I really felt uncomfortable in, I was able to get out of it by texting one of my friends to come and get me because I didn’t feel entirely safe trying to leave on my own terms. It’s unfortunate, but it is incredibly useful to have your phone on hand. Text a friend as you’re walking back to tell them which dorm or apartment you’re going to. Make sure to leave your phone nearby when you get to the room, and do not be afraid to use it if you need it.
4. Speak up
Yes it’s awkward, especially if you don’t know the person, but this is incredibly important. Do not be afraid to ask if the person is clean, if they have a condom, and let them know if there is anything that you are uncomfortable doing. Unwanted pregnancies or STDs are not worth avoiding a little awkward conversation. It helps both parties be on the same page. And you will feel a lot better afterwards, even if it’s a little weird and maybe kills the mood in the moment. Also, do not be afraid to not do something if you don’t want to. Be on alert for the slightest push or urge if you’ve already made it clear that you aren’t interested in something. If a comment strikes you odd, or maybe they move you a little too forcibly, these are red flags that you should not take lightly. A good partner won’t push you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with, and if they can’t respect your boundaries, they aren’t worth it.
5. Don’t overly gossip about it
This is a small school y’all. Obviously, it’s fun gossip for Sunday brunch, but word gets around quickly, and it’s just not fair to leak all the intimate details of an experience with other people. It just causes drama and unnecessary attention. If something went wrong, there are resources on campus that you can go to if you feel uncomfortable, but as far as gossiping with friends, less is sometimes better.
6. Be courteous
It’s awkward to stand next to your one-night-stand in the Fusion line the morning after, but I guarantee (even if neither of you are romantically invested in the other person), both of you will feel crappy if you ignore each other. There is nothing easier than just saying hi, waving, or making any other sort of acknowledgement that the other person exists. It’s the decent thing to do.
There are so many resources on this campus if you have a sexual experience that is traumatic or leaves you feeling uneasy in any way. No victim of sexual assault asked for it or deserves it, and you should never feel pressured to be hooking up with people, even if “everyone else” is doing it. Only you know what is absolutely right for yourself, and it’s important to listen to yourself in these situations.
Image Credit: CFS NS, Giphy, Agile Lean Life