Recently, I came across a brilliant comic by Yao Xiao. The cartoon talks about how we ought to stop apologizing to those who care about us when we really mean to thank them. The crux of her argument is that we don’t need to apologize for simply existing. This seems like an obvious thing, but over-apologizing for things is a trap I think many of us fall into. I know I do—in high school, I had a friend who even started “forbidding” me from apologizing because I would do it so much. Of course, apologizing in and of itself is not a bad thing. If you’ve hurt someone or done something wrong, that’s clearly the appropriate time to apologize. But when you start preemptively apologizing, or apologizing for simply being yourself, that’s when it becomes a problem.
One of the things Yao Xiao highlights is our tendency to apologize when we’re feeling down. Everyone has bad days, and everyone goes through tough stuff. One of the best things you can do when you’re feeling down is talk it out with someone who cares about you. Simply getting your feelings off your chest and out into the open can be a huge help. But sometimes it’s hard not to feel like a burden when you’re talking about yourself, especially at Kenyon, where everyone is always so busy and worried about their own stresses. And even if you do make that step to talk to a friend about how you’re feeling, it’s easy to fall into apologizing—for taking up their time, for “being a drag,” for “rambling.”
This problem is particularly pertinent among women. Our problems and feelings are too often described as silly (or written off as PMS). We’re constantly reminded not to take up space: we’re told to “sit like a lady” and cross our legs while men sometimes take up two bus seats without guilt because they like their legs spread out. We’re told that leadership roles are for men, and that guys won’t like us if we act too confidently. (Though thankfully many badass women are breaking that stereotype in recent years.) Women are told time and again that we’re the weaker sex and that we have to rely on men to take care of us. And we’re told that we only belong in certain places (like the home) but not others (like STEM occupations, or even something as simple as the weight room in the gym). The result of all of these societal expectations is that women start to feel like a burden to those around them, and feel the need to apologize for simply existing.
But here’s the thing: you don’t need to apologize for taking up space. Or for going to others for help. It’s human nature to need others, to need to talk, to need outside support. You shouldn’t have to apologize for simply being human. And yes, the person you go to for support is taking time out of their day for you, but that’s why you thank them. Not apologize. If someone gives you a gift for your birthday you say, “thank you,” you don’t say, “I’m sorry I was born.” The same logic applies. Your friends, family, and other people in your support system care about you for a reason. Because you’re an awesome person! So there’s nothing wrong with thanking them for being there for you, or for listening and caring about you. Appreciating others for the little (and big) things they do is never a bad thing, and can make someone’s day. But the great thing about thanking people is that it takes nothing from you. When you thank someone, you don’t diminish who you are as a person. You don’t apologize for existing. So the next time you go to someone for support, don’t apologize for needing them, thank them for caring about you, and then do the same for them the next time they need support.
Image Credit: Yao Xiao on Autostrattle