Hasn’t every girl sat down, at least once, with a copy of the famed sex-crazed magazine and been shocked, disgusted, disturbed or doubtful? Who hasn’t mocked the glossy pages, wondering how in the hell did this get published and if the editors or writers actually tried those 50 things to do without your hands (if you know what we mean)?
Lie #1: Cosmo is a girl’s Bible.
I’m sorry, my Bible is actually my Bible. I mean my best friend could be considered a pseudo-Bible, although definitely not one Sunday school curriculums would approve of. Where else would you get your advice than from your slutty best friend whose sexcapades are as vast as the Atlantic Ocean? To say I’m a little disgruntled is true. And also not. As a self-satisfied 19-year-old, I don’t feel as if my worth can be categorized in the way Cosmopolitan magazine claims:
1. Are you boobs uneven? (Answer: NO)
2. So You Want to Try Spanking? (Um, even more of a no)
3. Make Skype Sex Hotter (Only if you want to be called the “Naked
Roommate of Norton”)
4. Should You Sleep With a Coworker? (Unless you want an office walk of shame,
I’m going to say no)
Lie #2: Guys think flushed cheeks are hot.
No. Looking like a Cabbage Patch doll wearing stripper’s rouge isn’t sexy. It isn’t even cute. P.S. if you’re doing your blush in the Deli and staring at me, it is weird and it is you. And you look like a doll.
Lie #3: 6 Reasons You Should Drink More
Is this a joke? I mean, sure, it’s Kenyon. But honestly with the excuses “It keeps you thin” and “it makes you smarter” I have to say Cosmo wasn’t on their top game with this one. Can you say beer belly?
Lie #4: Emitting sex appeal on the job makes you alluring
Wearing sexy clothing is definitely the start of a superb career. I guess being sexy is how to get a promotion. Great – I’ll be homeless and jobless post-grad.
Lie #5: He holds a long, piercing gaze.
According to the famed magazine, this means he’s either playing you or using eye contact as a seduction method. Maybe it’s just me, but the only prolonged eye contact I’ve experienced has been with a creepy old men on a Vespa in Italy and with my best friend when we’re in a fight about who is more stubborn, me or him. Hey, maybe I’m wrong and it could have worked out with me and that Bapi in Positano.
Lie #6: How to take a profile picture that catches funny, smart and educated hotties.
I don’t even. Some of the recommendations include no lingerie or a swimsuit picture; that seems like a given if you are trying to catch a decent man who doesn’t frequent the strip clubs. Yet the best piece of advice in this one I’d say is when they recommend the “MySpace Angle” selfie. No, just no.
Lie #7: The Sexiest Things To Eat On A Date
Eat: “Lobster. Because eating with your hands is incredibly sensual.” I’m sorry, but obviously whoever wrote this wasn’t in Florida when I had lobster juice up to my wrists and dropped at least half of it on my sundress. Be glad you didn’t witness that. I think the only sexy eating-with-your-hands scene is the famed food scene in 9 ½ Weeks (See #4)
Lie #8: When it’s okay to be jealous—He Hangs Solo With Close Female Friends
I don’t know about the rest of you, but my best friend happens to be a guy. We’re freakishly close, like talk daily, hang out alone all the time and sleep in each other’s beds. Not to mention, he has a girlfriend. I hope she isn’t jealous, because he’s about as friend zoned as one guy can possibly be. Therefore I’m going to call BS on this tip, seeing as how I have a perfectly functioning platonic male-female relationship in the midst.
But, I’m going to give Cosmo this: 6 Signs You’re In The Friend Zone. They were DEAD ON. I mean it’s not hard to garner when you’re in that forsaken caution-tape zone. I know I’ve been there, both in the zone and having zoned others. But seriously take a look if you’re pondering why that hot guy you hung out with at the bar hasn’t even kissed you yet although you’ve helped him with his Spanish verb conjugation and texted him for a week straight; this is how you know.
I’m not ragging on the famed sex themed magazine. It oozes sensuality, tips and all the literary items one goes for when they need a nice read for a plane. But someone has to debunk the myths that run rampant through “tips” sections of magazines, because honestly where do they come up with some of these things?
Photo Credits: Flickr, Cosmopolitan