Over the summer I got a job at my local mall at the store Altar’d State. They invited me to come work on Black Friday, and how could I say no? I love watching the circus.
Little did I know the horrors that lay ahead.
5:00 a.m.
I am still tucked into my little bed, snoozin’ away. Meanwhile, my coworkers are at the mall preparing the store. What exactly they did to prepare the store, I am not sure. But they said it wasn’t fun.
6:00 a.m.
The mall opens. Chaos ensues. All of the parking spaces are gone. People are rioting in the streets. I am still asleep. In the distance, sirens.
8:00 a.m.
I arrive at the mall. It takes me about 30 grueling minutes to find a parking space. Shoppers are milling about in the parking lot, making bad traffic even worse. I see two old women locked in a screaming match to the death. I see a family with a stroller packed with shopping bags and two miserable toddlers walking along behind.
9:00 a.m.
My shift begins. I stand at the front of the store passing out flyers explaining our deals. 9 out of 10 people do not accept my flyer. The same 9 out of 10 people then ask me 1 million times each what the deals are today. If they’d taken the flyer they would know. This hurts my feelings.
9:30 a.m.
The store is offering free cider and water for customers. Many people who are not customers come and drink our drinks, then leave the cups hidden in the store because using the trashcan next to the drink table IS APPARENTLY TOO HARD. A woman walks up to me and starts explaining how upset she is that she found an empty cup on one of our shelves.
“I expect BETTER from a store like THIS. I am APPALLED at the conditions in this store. I could have you all SHUT DOWN for this. This is DISGUSTING. I am a LOYAL CUSTOMER and you DARE treat me like this?”
I’m sorry????
10:00 a.m.
I am helping a customer, a mom shopping for her daughter. She is taking two of every item she picks out. I take her to the cash register and she has about 6 pairs of shirts, 4 pairs of dresses, some skirts and pants, and two of the same pairs of shoes. As I ring her up she is explaining to me how the clothes are for her daughter.
Me: Oh, that’s so nice of you! She’ll be so excited. How old is your daughter?
Her: She’s 23! And I got two of everything so she and I can have matching outfits!
MATCHING. OUTFITS. She got like 10 outfits to match with her daughter who is an ADULT. I found this slightly concerning.
11:00 a.m.
A middle school-aged girl knocks over a display of candles. The candles are in glass containers and freakin SHATTER all over the ground. I walk over with a little broom and dustpan and she says to me “Oh, you should really take care of that. And maybe get better candles next time.”
OKAY. SURE. Because I personally craft all the candles for Altar’d State stores nationwide. Next time, I will make them better. Just for you.
12:00 p.m.
A woman in a UVA t-shirt and hat comes into the store. She is delighted to find that we sell a handful of UVA apparel. I approach her and ask if there is anything else I can help her find.
Her: Are there anymore UVA shirts? My daughter goes there.
Me: No this is everything, sorry!
Her: Are you in college?
Me: Yeah, I go to JMU!
Her: Oh… my daughter looked into JMU, but I wasn’t impressed. I knew she could get into a better school.
Me:
Her: She’s a third year, what year are you?
Me: I’m a sophomore.
Her: *blank stare*
Me: A second year.
Her: Oh! Why didn’t you just say so?
Okay lady, I have a hard time believing you don’t know what the word “sophomore” means.
1:00 p.m.
It’s my lunch break. We are not allowed to leave the store for lunch. Corporate sent our store a ham for us to eat. So there’s a nice room temperature ham just hanging out in the back, but I opt for the room temperature pizza. This is an uneventful time.
2:00 p.m.
I am now working the cash register. There is a very long line, and women in the line are bickering with each other over who was where in what line. The next customer comes to my register, she has about ten items, so I start placing them in a large bag.
Her: Oh heavens no, that bag is much too large, can I have a smaller one?
Me: *starts aggressively cramming everything into a medium bag”
Her: No no, that bag is still too big, can I have a smaller one?
Me: This won’t all fit in a small bag, can I give you more than one small bag?
Her: No that is too many bags.
So I literally balled up all of her items and crammed them in this tiny bag. It was overflowing and really ratchet looking but I guess the customer is always right.
2:30 p.m.
I have another customer at the register. She has a ton of clothes, and her total rings up to over $500. She explains to me that she has just begun Christmas shopping for her daughter, but since the daughter is now in college, she won’t get as many Christmas presents as she had before. She hopes the daughter won’t be disappointed with the small amount of clothes for Christmas.
I just want to clarify that most of the store is buy one get one free. This woman is worried her daughter will be disappointed with ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS WORTH OF CLOTHES.
3:30 p.m.
A fleet of small children rush into the store. They are enchanted with our Christmas trees displayed in the store. I am not sure exactly how it happened, but I look over and one of our trees is on the ground, ornaments rolling away in all directions, and there’s a six year old wiggling his way out from underneath the mess. I try to ask him if he is okay but he runs away giggling. I put the tree back in place and hope no one else noticed the child getting smushed.
I just want to clarify that it is a very light-weight tree that is only about two feet tall and did not pose a serious threat to children.
4:00 p.m.
A mom and daughter are shopping together, and I ask if they need any assistance. They proceed to throw several items of clothing into my arms and ask me to follow them. As I follow them, they keep giving me more clothes to hold. I ask if they want me to put it in a fitting room, and they say no. They give me more clothes. This goes on for like 30 minutes and then they CHANGE THEIR MINDS and don’t buy anything, leaving me all alone buried under a pile of clothes.
5:00 p.m.
I finally get to go home. I am EXHAUSTED. I never want to speak to another human being ever again in my life.
Good thing I have another shift tomorrow!